Stuck in a loveless relationship but too scared to leave

[Loveless]

i dont know what to do. my husband says he still loves me. i wish i could feel the same but I don't. they children are such hard work and he does nothing to help. he used to be so helpful. now he comes in from work, has his dinner and disappears in the bath for an hour while i have to battle to get all the kids ready for bed and do the dishes. I have tried telling him he needs to help more. I have tried leaving the work to forcr him to do it but that doesn't work either. we have had serious money problems to the point we have lost more or less everything. i am on ADs and i dont want to be on them. i dont think that its just because i am down that i dont want to be with him. i dont hate him. at the end of the day we have been together for 10 years, but i just dont love him. i shudder whenever he tries to kiss me. sex is very very infrequent, but when we do, I don't feel anything. Its like im just going through the motions. this morning i accused him of seeing someone at work because all of a sudden he decides to buy new shirts and aftershave and makes an effort to do his hair before work. yet he comes home, gets in the bath and gets dressed into jogging bottoms or shorts. he just told me i was being stupid and walked off. I am too scared to leave as I don't want the uncertainty where money is concerned as I don't want to end up in debt again. I have looked into what I am entitled to and even got the application forms. He won't leave the house. I won't leave the house. We are council tenants so I don't know what that means of we split up. We had a massive row last night because I dared to download a song off itunes last night while he was sat next to me. He said I wasn't bothered. He knows I'm not bothered though and he knows that I don't love him. I have told him. Every morning he asks me if I will still be here when he gets home from work. He knows I will be though as I have no choice. I have nowhere else to go. Money is so tight its unbelievable so its not like I could save any to make a clean break. To be honest, I don't want to leave this house anyway. Yes it is a council housem but it is the nicest house I have ever had. I know that he knows I won't leave and he plays on this. I wish I could just up and leave but I can't. I'm sorry, ranting away, I just don't know what to do.

[bluejelly]

You must have counselling, either joint or separately

[Loveless]

he wont go to counselling. i have been to counselling on my own for other reasons.

[Loveless]

i dont want to tell my friends and family. they didnt want me to marry him in the first place and i need to get everything sorted on my own beofre i have them butting in saying 'i told you so'

[mumblechum]

If, and I mean if, you feel that the marriage has not future, you need to get a solicitor. She/he will get legal aid for you as I presume you aren't working. Within the divorce proceedings you can, if necessary, apply for a transfer of the tenancy, but this is rarely necessary as usually the husband slings his hook once the divorce is underway.
There's a lot of other stuff you need to sort out and you can find a local sol. by accessing www.resolution.org.uk (national register of family specialists).

[zippitippitoes]

I think you need to ask advice. Most family solicitors will give you a half hour initial consultation free.

The tireddness and overwhelming expereince of being responsible for the children won't stop if you split with yoiur husband.

Don't worry about taking ads and consider whether you are taking the best ones for you or the right dose for you so go back to the gp. Some do make you go off sex.

It does sound to me as though you are going through a rough patch and counselling for your marriage might help.

Why don't your family approve? has that put pressure on you?

If you do split up then you will need some internal strength and resources but it is possible to come through it. CAB can also help if you have good advisers in your local one.

[Loveless]

my family have never liked him. i was supposed to be the career girl of the family. the one that makes them proud. instead he stole me away and put pay to that according to them

the thought of divorce and solicitors scares the hell out of me

[bluejelly]

What about if you said to him 'counselling or divorce'
Do you think that might force his hand?

Try not to worry about your family's reaction. It's very easy to judge other people but you've got to do what's best for you, not what's best for them

( Also would they really want you to live in a miserable marriage for years and years?)

How old are your children by the way?

[Loveless]

i don't know how he would react to that.

children range from less than a year to 8 years old.

[madamez]

Just a little thought for you: sometimes it's easier to bear the admittedly hard work of single parenthood when you are on your own with children, than to be the one who does all the work while another adult takes long baths, reads the paper and only speaks to you to ask for sex or food.

Also, if you can manage to separate without too much bitterness,you might find you have a workable free babysitter in future.

[Judy1234]

If he goes you'll have less money and even less help with the children so I'm not sure what you gain. What about finding some kind of part time job perhaps at weekends when he can babysit so that you get out of the house and the financial position is improved. That might also help you save some money in case you do separate.

[zookeeper]

Hi loveless - you might find you are financially better off without him - if you work 16 hours a week you will qualify for tax credits, etc and get help towards childcare. Mumblechum is right - if you do decide that you can bear no more and start divorce proceedings he will most probably leave of his own accord. He might make noises that he wants to stay with the children and you should got but ltimately it sounds like he wouldn't last 5 minutes with them.

Have you any family/friends who can give you some moral support and maybe practical help? Take them with you and go and get some legal advice - even if you then decide to do nothing then at least you know your rights and you will feel stronger.