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Been no contact with mum for a few months and got an email today.

(89 Posts)
VivaLeBeaver Mon 10-Aug-15 17:48:05

Just don't know where to go from here.

Will try and summarise back story. Basically she's not a nice person, very controlling and toxic. Last Sept she had my 13yo dd overnight so I could go to a wedding and according to dd made comments about me being fat and how my legs must rub together and how my brother was so fat he's at risk of diabetes.

She pretty much denied most of the conversation and said in an email to my brother that my dd was a fantasist and a stirrer. My brother was furious and cut contact. All of MN told me I should do the same but I wasn't strong enough.

Fast forward a few months and she sends a nasty email to my brother saying that I had wilfully held back some paperwork. My brother had returned all his copies of wills and powers of attorneys to me and mum told me to keep them. She then started on about (this was later) some certificates of jewellery value that my brother had. I'm asked him about them for her, he couldn't find them. I found them 4 months later in with the legal stuff Id had returned. I just hadn't realised this stuff was all together. I immediately told my mum I had it and she came to pick it up. But the night before picking it up sent my brother that email saying Id withheld it all on purpose.

She gets here, wouldn't look at me, would barely speak. Stood back when I opened the door and let the dogs run out last her. Ignored the dogs (she normally makes a fuss) so they carried on running into the busy street. Made no attempt to help me catch them and stood there with her hands in her pockets and her back to us. I gave her the paperwork, helped her carry a chair of hers to the car which she had asked for back. She muttered thanks and drove off.

I was furious. It was her birthday a few weeks later....I wasn't sure what to do and sent her a card. Got an email reply which said "thanks for the card". That was it.

Ive had no contact since.

So today I get an email which is mainly to my brother but I'm cc'd in. She's moaning at him for failing to return some house keys. And then at the bottom she's put;

*Regarding your claim Xxxxxx is not talking to me......I wouldn't know. She sent a card (late) for my birthday end of May - for which I sent her my thanks.
Since then I have been ignored. Just as you ignored my email re keys in April.

Ignoring emails I send to you both puts any ball in both your courts. The last contact was from me to both of you.
If both choose not to respond I have no insights as to why.*

So what do I do now? Ignore her? Or reply pointing out how rude she's been and how I consider the ball to be in her court as she hasn't apologised for being so vile. Though to be honest if I said this I think she would blow up. My brother told her last year she should apologise to me and dd and she ranted at me that she wasn't been told what to do by anyone. I expect Id get the same response. To be honest life has been lovely being NC. But I feel sad as I kind of feel that this is the last chance for any hope of reconciliation. But then I'm not sure I want it....

TenForward82 Mon 10-Aug-15 17:49:41

I'd ignore. She thrives on the drama. Typical narcissist.

MetallicBeige Mon 10-Aug-15 17:50:53

Ignore, she is desperately seeking a reaction. Don't give it to her.

DixieNormas Mon 10-Aug-15 17:59:01

If nc has been lovely id leave it, its all about the drama with her isnt it. No apology or trying to make up for what shes done

winterinmadeira Mon 10-Aug-15 18:01:01

The sentence 'to be honest life has been lovely bein NC' really sums it up for me. Just ignore her and continue enjoying the peace.

FenellaFellorick Mon 10-Aug-15 18:03:25

Ignore.

If your life has been lovely without her, and it was stressful and awful with her - why would you choose to go back to the time that you were unhappy?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 10-Aug-15 18:05:26

Her e-mail was not sent out of any concern for you or your wellbeing; this was her attempt to draw you back into her own world of dysfunction. Such behaviour is known as hoovering.

She is not and has never been interested in reconciliation.

Ignore this e-mail and do not respond to it in any way. Any reply from you will cease the no contact and will just give her what she wants i.e a response from you. Any response is the reward.

May09Bump Mon 10-Aug-15 18:07:37

Ignore her and change your email - don't establish contact again, its just not worth it.

FungusTheBogeymam Mon 10-Aug-15 18:10:57

Ignore it. And actually, I'd go one further - block her email address so she can't send you any more messages to make you feel guilty and steal your happiness.

Cut all contact. She is toxic, and nobody needs that.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 10-Aug-15 18:21:15

I would also second the recommendation to block her e-mail address from your e-mail account.

VivaLeBeaver Mon 10-Aug-15 18:38:49

You're right, if she was interested in a reconciliation she would have contacted me now with an apology. Surely even a narcissist would have some idea of why I was "ignoring" them. She must realise how rude she was when she came over. I don't know how my puppy wasn't killed. Even when I was screaming at her to go in the house so the older dog would follow her she just stood there like a statue.

I will block her email address. will she know it's blocked? Will they bounce back to her?

cozietoesie Mon 10-Aug-15 18:57:05

...Surely even a narcissist would have some idea of why I was "ignoring" them. She must realise how rude she was when she came over...

Probably not - in the sense that you could understand it - but it's irrelevant to you anyway so ignoring and blocking is best.

I don't actually know whether there is something from her email provider that notifies her of a blocked message. (Some providers notify of 'failed' messages but maybe blocked is different.) Anyway - it doesn't really matter does it?

Enjoy the future tranquility. smile

VivaLeBeaver Mon 10-Aug-15 19:11:16

Thanks smile

JillJ72 Mon 10-Aug-15 19:14:23

Depending on your email system, you may be able to set a rule that diverts emails from her address to another email address, one that can self-delete within x days? That way she can email and you can ignore.... Or block the address altogether.

DoJo Mon 10-Aug-15 19:41:29

If both choose not to respond I have no insights as to why.

You cannot reconcile with someone who displays such a wilful lack of understanding of the situation. Either she does know why and is trying to get you to rise to her bait in a situation where the same old issues are dragged up again but not resolved, or she genuinely doesn't in which case she suffers from such an astonishing lack of self-awareness that there is nothing you can do to make her see things from anyone's point of view but her own.

How often do you see posts on here from people who are agonising over things that they have said or done that might have inadvertently caused office to people that they sometimes don't even know? Or people who are worried that they have upset someone by doing something that they knew in their heart was right, but still felt bad about? That is how normal, rational, emotionally intelligent people act - they don't deliberately inflame a situation and then claim to have no idea why those they have upset or insulted are cross with them.

All this email proves is that she hasn't changed and she has no intention of even considering how her part in this situation has led to the current impasse. She expects everyone to accept her version of events as stated and would like nothing more than for you and your brother to fall out too, by the sounds of things. Don't let her suck you back in - she will drain your energy and emotions, when you could be nurturing your relationships with people who deserve it instead.

No134 Mon 10-Aug-15 20:05:44

What DoJo said.

This is a brilliant summary of the MO of people who claim to have no idea why you're not talking to them:
www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

KateLennard Mon 10-Aug-15 20:27:24

No134. That's brilliant. Thank you very much for sharing it.

VivaLeBeaver Mon 10-Aug-15 20:41:55

Thanks for all the advice.

Everything Dojo says rings true. Ive been googling hoovering, never heard of it before, and that is so what she does and has done in the past. 134s article also strikes a chord, she has such a refusal to see what is infront of her.

Seen it so many times in the past. She's fallen out with multiple neighbours at three different addresses, left all four of her jobs on very bad terms with the boss. Fallen out with so many friends to the extent they've cut contact.

Every time it is always the other persons fault. Or often no in the case of her friends she claims to have no idea why they're suddenly ignoring her.....but then she will let something slip like one friend apparantly was brutally honest and told her she thought the way my mum treated my dad (before they divorced) was terrible.

I think when you spend your entire life falling out with people and having people cutting you out their lives for most people it would be obvious that they had a problem!! She is the sort of person who will have a major arguement with total strangers who she encounters when out and about.

DoJo Mon 10-Aug-15 23:06:53

Is she single? Sounds like she would be perfect for my dad! Although I always wonder whether two people like that would get on like a house on fire, or fall out within seconds and become arch enemies...!

VivaLeBeaver Mon 10-Aug-15 23:26:13

Yeah she's single. My dad divorced her. Since then she makes a fool of herself by occassionally throwing herself at married men but I think they all realise she's bonkers and run.

If there's a male version of herself I think they'd kill each other after a few weeks!

VivaLeBeaver Fri 14-Aug-15 16:13:20

Don't know whether to laugh or cry. Haven't got round to blocking her email yet because going by past history I thought it would be weeks if not months before she sent another one. Anyway she's sent one today....a long one!


To you both,

I don't know if this is worth the candle as I am likely to come under attack from one or both of you yet again. That seems to be your mutual default attitude towards me. However, I wish to ensure there are no errors in what seem to be your assumptions relating to my actions or motives.

J
• I requested various items of you in Dec 2014 to be returned to me. You did not ackowledge such. You did not tell me until much later (april 2015) you had given these items to P in Dec 2014.
• I asked P again Easter 2015 to get these items from you - she did not tell me she already had them. She stated there "could be a problem - I think he can't find the file". At no point did she admit she in fact had the file by then - & clearly did not know where it was. So she blamed you. I can't prove this of course - I was t told verbally.
• I emailed you April 2015 to locate this file
• You then visited P - & later told me you located the file on P's bookcase.
• You then sent an email accusing me of trouble making by accusing you of losing the file - when in fact you had given it to P in Dec - but not bothered to tell me...
• After Easter 2015 P then later gave me the items - but you had sent the wrong keys. I told you back in April the key set was wrong - when, (and only then), P passed them to me. (Your recent email indicates "bemusement" re wrong keys - clearly you have forgotten my April email telling you they were the wrong ones).
• You did not acknowledge my April 2015 request to dispose of any keys you still had securely - a reasonable cause of concern to me. I therefore requested August 2015 confirmation you had done so.
• You then told me to ask P for the keys.....but informed me "I" was not talking to her. Totally untrue - I pointed out had I sent her thanks re May birthday card, but have since been ignored by P. Am I now to assume she is not talking to me? (She ignores emails so I will send this as hard copy to ensure she gets it).

I wish to comment on the above facts:
• At no time have I set out to make trouble. That is a lie. I never have.
• Had you kept me informed of your actions re items you were to return none of this confusion would have arisen. You caused the confusion - not me.
• P accused you, to me, of losing the file - I merely asked you to find it, having been daft enough to believe her accusation of you. I had not anticipated her lying to me.
P has not admitted to accusing you wrongly re lost file to me. She has ignored it. (I wonder if she has apologised to you....).
• P also left copies of the late-2014 email exchange between you/me, into which she was copied and which she nastily annotated.
She stated "I have put this behind me & am not pursuing it".
Clearly, from the annotated emails she accidentally left in the file she was doing anything but "ignoring it". There are downright lies in those comments. There are phrases there attributed to me I have never used in my life.

Are you therefore surprised at my distance? I fear what one or other of you will twist next.

J: You told me (re card asking S re liking his birthday jumper) to "Go away & leave us alone". I did that - until I of necessity I had to pursue my file & keys - twice re wrong keys sent - because you could not be bothered to update me on these issues. Re-contacting you is entirely your own fault, not mine.
Have you asked P why she told me YOU had lost the file?
Have you read the annotations on her email copy - you should.

P: I imagine you are severely embarrassed re deliberately misleading me by telling me J had lost the file - when you had in fact lost it! Have you told J the truth? The failure re file + failure to hold the items J gave you for 4 months (Dec 2014 > April 2015) has caused endless confusion & caused J to make untrue allegations of me re shit stirring over file. That is your fault.
You must be equally embarrassed by the content of your comments on those emails. In your place I would be cringing to make such dreadful & untrue allegations.
Have you apologised to J for accusing him of losing the file? You should - & also to me for misleading me - knowing it caused him to lash out wrongly at me.
Have you apologised to him & me for waiting 4 months (Dec to April) & not passing to me the items he had given you? You should.

BOTH of YOU: All this is based on lack of timely informative contact by both of you. It has been your default position, quite wrongly to assume my actions etc are motivated by evil. You are quite wrong. Neither of you has bothered to phone or visit & discuss this - so it has blown up into crazy proportions, & got warped & twisted by cover-ups and misleading, untrue remarks.

Are you surprised I fear you both?
Are you surprised I feel bullied & attacked by you?
Are you surprised I feel discarded, unwanted, seen as a stupid old fool of no consequence to you?

Unless you stop making wild assumptions etc it is impossible to discuss with you confusions - invariably of your making. Everyone has disagreements – invariably based on misunderstandings. Most do not though come to the table with wild assumptions (that they are right) & minds already made up, to sit in judgment & dictate terms – as you did J.

You owe basic courtesy & respect to any human being - I don't even get that. You gang up on me, distort the truth and then have the temerity to allege I am not contacting you (P especially). Untrue. I last contacted you P - with my card thanks. You have ignored me.
And J has told me to leave him alone. Again, I was utterly misjudged re that conversation over diet with T. Your default is to call me the liar. Time will reveal the truth.

You need to look for motives re your wild assumptions. Motive + gain. What on earth can I gain from this? Nothing – except freedom from the stress you cause.

You do gain of course - you now have the excuse, self-given, to not bother about my existence. I'm out of your hair aren't I – by your own choice? You can tell yourselves you need not make the old perfunctory “duty” contacts - few & brief that they generally were. One way of stifling one’s conscience I suppose.

If you want to honestly face up to what you have done to me, based essentially on guessed at data, out of context, by a juvenile, blown out of all proportion & employing mad assumptions then you need to start talking – face to face.

Remember the truth:

You J cut me off J.

You P are trying to pretend I have cut you off – because you are too ashamed to face me.

I don’t play childish, immature “not going to talk to you” games. That belongs in the playground & I left that behind long ago. It is not how adults behave.

VivaLeBeaver Fri 14-Aug-15 16:16:14

She is still totally convinced that I deliberetly misled her over having the file. Why the fuck would I do that. She's totally bonkers.

And as for the annotated emails. It was dd who annotated them not me, I didn't know she'd done it or I would have removed them from the file. I think the emails were copies of emails my mum had sent to my brother discussing me and dd and dd found them and disagreed with stuff so wrote all over them.

The thing is I don't think mum would ever believe me even if I bothered telling her.

notapizzaeater Fri 14-Aug-15 16:21:54

Just ignore her, she sounds as mad as a box of frogs

FenellaFellorick Fri 14-Aug-15 16:26:09

She's trying to turn you on each other.

cozietoesie Fri 14-Aug-15 16:28:38

She's either completely demented or completely drunk - or both. I'd just ignore it - and block her email address right now!

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