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This heartache is too much

(14 Posts)
BrightonRocks89 Wed 05-Aug-15 20:12:48

My two and a half relationship is coming to an end even though we don't want it to desperately, its circumstantial. There's a lot of backstory but the situation right now is she's away on a planned visit to her relatives (all cool, oh and we're a lesbian couple). She left today for a 3 week trip and I have to move back for my final year of uni in September at the latest. But the realization of not being with her has broken me and I cannot stop crying, haven't eaten, constantly panicked about the future and on top of it all I have 2 assignments to be handed in next week (missed them due to mitigating circs). I just cannot cope right now, the heartache is over-whelming, I keep thinking about all the memories we shared, how I have never been totally myself apart from with her. I feel totally hopeless.

We have talked about trying to carry on our relationship once I return to the UK. However my problem now is how can I focus on my work? And do I stay here until she comes back and spend a couple of weeks together (over my birthday), or do I leave before she comes back as the pain of the last days and her/me leaving is too intense. My mind is muddled and I'm in tears again. It would be sooo much easier if we wanted to split up, but we don't, mainly because she's in debt and paying it off with her job here.

How can I cope? In this situation what do you think by experience we should do, fight/or give up?

Zillie77 Wed 05-Aug-15 20:18:08

How far apart of the two of you? Will you be able to see each other at all during the school year?

I know at your age (assuming that you are a young person, because of your references to being at school) a year apart seems very horribly long, but it will go by pretty fast. Why don't you two make a plan for regular communication (like Skyping twice a week at a mutually convenient time) and see how that goes?

BrightonRocks89 Wed 05-Aug-15 20:27:04

Hello, thanks for posting!

I'm 25, she's 28. And I'm in Sweden right now, to go back to Brighton. Sorry for the lack of grammar my mind is not functioning correctly!

We have already gone through the Skype/long distance stage at the start after meeting in Brighton, then she came to be with me there for around a year before having to return as she got into loads of debt (took ages to find a place, staying in hotels for weeks, months..) As you can see its all been rather a mess to begin with but we acted impulsively as we became madly in love. So now we are debating whether to continue and find a solution so we can actually be together, or end it.. Its hard to think straight and be rational at this stage as it hurts too much.

LemonCream Wed 05-Aug-15 20:33:19

Well, there's one good thing about being a student.....long holidays. And Sweden isn't the Far East, so not that difficult or expensive to get to. Being in Brighton, you're not that far from Gatwick.

Do you trust each other?

If so, then surely you can weather 9 months doing the LD thing again? It's not ideal, but think how happy those holidays will be smile

You sound very much in love, so surely it has to be worth a try?

springydaffs Wed 05-Aug-15 20:36:23

Darling, this doesn't sound like love but obsession/addiction. She isn't your lifeblood.

Perhaps access uni counselling to explore why she has become important to you to the point you literally can't function without her. Your uni counselor (and gp) could sign you off until you get straight and can finish your assignments.

BrightonRocks89 Wed 05-Aug-15 20:41:28

It just feels that we have been trying soo hard for a long time and things have gone wrong or simply cannot be fixed. What if she comes in Brighton and the same thing happens? I feel it might be best for her if we did end it as I felt so guilty about the money troubles she got into, I want us both to be on the right track - does it seem worth fighting for? I cannot tell at this moment sad

BrightonRocks89 Wed 05-Aug-15 20:56:25

Springydaffs.. I did wonder this, however its been more her wanting to carry it on. She was in her words 'broken' when she came back to Sweden and wanted me there to be with me, I hesitated for so long as the emotions would roller coaster again so was reluctant. But it has been amazing! And how we operate as a couple seems like love, we know all about each other, have gone through a lot emotionally, but maybe we are to reliant on each other? I was cool until it has hit me now I will have to leave. We have amazing chemistry, and are like best friends and lovers, Maybe we are too emotional with each other :/ But why have we been fighting so hard to just be with each other if it isn't love?

FredaMayor Wed 05-Aug-15 22:08:23

OP, your uni assignments are really important, especially if you've already been granted mit circs, because then it means you won't be able to resit. Have you tried student support at uni yet? They are used to helping with the issues that are affecting you now and someone may be able to mentor you. Even though it's the summer holidays your personal tutor or their deputy may be able to help - they have heard it all and will be sympathetic to you. If you still need help , the uni chaplain or your student rep may be able to point you in the right direction. I know its very very hard to keep it all going when you are feeling such heartache, so let your support network help you.

BrightonRocks89 Thu 06-Aug-15 13:49:57

I'm not sure how I can get help from uni at this time as all I've got is the internet for communication, hence why I was hoping for support on here. I'm in a small place with limited transport into the city, I'm very isolated and alone with is why I'm suddenly freaked out about our situation and cannot function sad

FredaMayor Thu 06-Aug-15 14:21:43

OP, I think right now it's important that you are able to get a strategy to cope with your feelings enough for you to be able to get through your assessments. Your fears for the future of the relationship are something that may happen and may not happen, but worrying won't change anything. I believe that you may benefit from some regular relaxation techniques to try to unwind yourself. Is there anything like that accessible to you where you are?

BrightonRocks89 Thu 06-Aug-15 14:41:42

I find it very hard to articulate my feelings on here, I feel I come across quite monotone! :-/

Relaxation techniques.. do you mean meditation etc? There probably is in town however there's only a couple of buses going daily (and none on the weekend). I have no energy either, kinda wanna hide away and not face anything, it doesn't help that I have a cold too. Have a total lack of motivation for anything sad

HPsauciness Thu 06-Aug-15 15:05:06

Ok, I can completely see why you feel awful and it does sound like you need to work the situation out.

But- you do need to pull yourself together enough to get at least some type of assignment in. You are writing on here when you need to be opening a Word document and starting typing. Just open one and start with the title, then get out some notes and write something, anything rather than leave it blank.

If you wait til you feel fine emotionally to do your assignments, you are pretty much guaranteed to fail them, that's just not a good outcome and will put more strain on your relationship.

It sounds like I am being harsh, but it sounds like you are falling into the 'star crossed lovers' trap and it's paralyzing you.

Who knows, your relationship may survive anyway.

It would be crazy to sacrifice your degree for it though and not necessary.

Take some painkillers for the cold, get some decongestant spray for your nose and crack on.

If you are writing them at this time of year, that means you have already had an extension, so write something, even if they are not perfect/that great.

Remember the first 40% is the easiest marks to get, so at least cover the pages with something, you will then not fail. Don't worry about doing brilliantly at this stage, just create something rather than nothing.

Good luck!

pocketsaviour Thu 06-Aug-15 15:50:05

Hi OP, are you at Brighton Uni?

If so, they do offer counselling during the holidays although it's less appointments available than during term time.
www.brighton.ac.uk/current-students/my-student-life/health-and-wellbeing/need-to-speak-to-someone/how-can-counselling-help-me.aspx

I would also suggest speaking to your SSGT.
www.brighton.ac.uk/current-students/my-student-life/student-support-and-guidance-tutors/index.aspx

I hope this helps - my sister works at Brighton Uni so she suggested these links. If you are at Sussex Uni just have a look on their website as they may well offer similar.

I also agree with HP to get your head down as much as possible as not only will you reduce your stress levels about the assignments, it will also take your mind off things.

Once that's done, my best advice is to keep busy - there's always plenty going on in Brighton even if you've got to leave early to catch the last bus back. Have you got friends in the area you can hang out with, so you're not stuck indoors moping?

BrightonRocks89 Thu 06-Aug-15 18:09:59

Hey Pocket, thank you for the information smile Yes its Brighton uni, the problem with getting help is that I'm still in Sweden alone, she had to go see relatives and now I'm wondering why I've stayed! But I haven't the strength to leave atm if I have any hope of completing my assignments by next week :/ I have a couple of friends here but I cannot see them until perhaps next weekend (work, transport makes it difficult). Don't get me wrong I enjoy being on my own, prefer it sometimes. Its just the big changes that must happen and the possibility that I might never see her again. I'll try email uni counselling to see if there's any advice they can give, thanks.

Does anyone have any tips to physically feel better? I suffer from anxiety although I never have gotten help for it. For the past few days theres been a dull ache in my chest, I feel sick constantly, low energy, shakey with heart palpitations sometimes where I feel I need to pace around. And I cannot focus my thoughts.

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