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oh thinks I spend too much time with ds1 in the evenings ?

(88 Posts)
glasshouses88 Tue 04-Aug-15 08:12:59

Hi everyone, hope you are well.
I just would just like some honest opinions and info on what others do in the evenings.
I have 2 ds. One is 4 and from my previous relationship. One is 7 months with my current oh. Me and oh have a few serious issues but I shan't go into that now.
When oh gets home from work we all usually have dinner together and then I take ds1 upstairs where we read a book and poetry or I put on a dvd for him. If I put a dvd on for him I'll usually come bk down stairs for a while,talk with oh and play with ds2, then go bk up and sit with ds1 and we muck about, then read poetry.
Oh has said to me a few times it bothers him that I spend an hour or so up stairs.that what's the point in him being here! I took it on board yes but I love being up there with ds1 in our world.
Then last night oh basically accused me of living ds1 more because I did a whole first time thing book for ds1 but haven't done that for ds2. This is obviously not true.then he had another go at me for time spent with ds1 in evenings.
Oh and ds1 can have a rocky relationship at times.oh does a lot for him and dots on him but ds1 at times won't let him put him to bed or stuff like that.
What do others think as I'm not sure how I feel about it?

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DoreenLethal Tue 04-Aug-15 08:16:11

He sounds like a horrid man, jealous of a 4 yr old.

Do you think your 4 yr old has got the measure of him OP? If so perhaps attention to what the 4 yr old is telling you about your OH.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 04-Aug-15 08:17:42

Have you moved in a step dad who is jealous of and resents your little boy? I struggle to see how you allowed that to come about but now you have to deal with it.

RoganJosh Tue 04-Aug-15 08:18:23

Does he not ever do bedtime for DS1?

goodbyespeech Tue 04-Aug-15 08:18:37

That's a similar routine to the one I had when my dc were little. We loved that downtime together.

When you say he says, what's the point in him being there, I assume he lives with you? That's an odd thing to say if you all live together. You have the rest of the evening and the night in bed together.

It sounds like you have to tackle those 'serious issues.'

He sounds jealous, childish and unreasonable.

BabyMum1 Tue 04-Aug-15 08:22:52

That comment would really put me off... Does he generally do anything else for ds1 ? Not a man really, is he? More like a mouse... Sorry

songbird Tue 04-Aug-15 08:23:03

I think this and the 'serious issues' may well be part of the same problem really. As soon as I saw the thread title I thought 'not the boy's father'. I think ds1 sounds like a good judge of character sad

cansu Tue 04-Aug-15 08:35:40

Of course u love ds1 more. To be comparing himself with four year old is pathetic and very immature. He sounds like an arse tbh

outtolunchagain Tue 04-Aug-15 08:37:10

I think her OH means that she loves ds1 more than ds2 not more than him

Joysmum Tue 04-Aug-15 08:40:14

Is this because he is jealous your time with DS takes away from your time with him, or because your time with DS means you are taking away from family time together where all of you could be bonding as a family?

BabyMum1 Tue 04-Aug-15 08:40:40

outtolunchagain yes you're right but still very thoughtless as hasn't considered ds1 emotions of new family, daddy, brother etc
Not easy for a 4yo, oh very self centered

DoreenLethal Tue 04-Aug-15 08:45:03

I suspect it is because he then has to spend an hour looking after his own son, all by his self, poor bean.

BudgeUp Tue 04-Aug-15 08:49:55

This sounds like a watered down version of when a new lion moves into the pack and does away with the step-cubs!!

Joking aside I think that if OH is serious about creating a cohesive family unit then he needs to find a way to develop a bond with DS. He will then be less likely to resent the time you spend with him. Is there any activity they can do together?

I also agree with the other poster who said the other "serious issues" between you and OH must play a part in this and can't be separated.

Good luck OP flowers

diploddycus Tue 04-Aug-15 09:00:54

Is this because he is jealous your time with DS takes away from your time with him, or because your time with DS means you are taking away from family time together where all of you could be bonding as a family?

This.
When my DH comes home from work I want to spend time with him and both the children, he is also step-dad to the eldest. I can't imagine taking one child away to spend more time with him, alone, every single night. What happens in 6 months time when DS2 tries to follow you up the stairs? I do understand DS1 probably needs the reassurance that his mum is still there just now because there's been some big changes.

I do agree that whatever these 'serious issues' are, it's probably playing a part in this.

glasshouses88 Tue 04-Aug-15 09:02:44

Thanks for your replies everyone.
Oh accused me of loving ds1 more....which is categorically not true. I actively encourage oh and ds1 to spend time alone together and I tell oh that it is really down to him to put in more effort in creating a stronger bond between them (he is the adult not the 4yo after all) they go out and do activities together that oh likes, such as shooting, rides on tractors and cutting up wood and fishing. Ds1 loves doing it, but oh doesn't enjoy child centred activities.
Oh said last night "it was good when ds1 was in bed and asleep by 7" so don't think he wants more family time.
I agree I think it's more a serious issue thing that me and oh have.
goodbyespeech did your oh get narky with you spending time with dc in evening?
Do step families ever work?!!

chocolatedonut Tue 04-Aug-15 09:03:13

He sounds like a dick. I think that spending 1-1 time with your 4yo is great. You probably have your hands full with the baby all day and I'm sure your DS loves that special time with just you.

Regarding the "first time" book. My mum has thousands (no exaggeration) of pictures and a completed baby book for me (first child), my middle sibling no book and slightly less photo albums and, well, for my youngest sibling there's hardly any grin. Not because she loves me the most but because she had no time!! When I was a newborn she had time to spend all day filling out my baby book, taking pictures, getting them developed and putting them into albums (with date and location lovingly written on the back of each onegrin). He's an arse hole for trying to make you feel bad and to even suggest you love one more than the other

Glitteryarse Tue 04-Aug-15 09:09:46

Why can't she spend one hour with Her four year old son alone? hmm

op I think the more serious issues are at play here and this is just a symptom. I'd be very wary of a man that was resentful of you spending important bonding time with your four year old especially when a new baby and man are thrown in to the mix.

Your still his only mum regardless if there is a new family - he doesn't gave to get lost in the blend.

diplod I'll tell you what op does - she tells the new baby to go down stairs and play with daddy, just like I do to my 2 year old when I'm busy with my dd1 who is 20 this month.

Every child needs 1-2-1 time it's important.

No wonder the little lad doesn't want a story of him kids are really attuned in to adults who don't like them

glasshouses88 Tue 04-Aug-15 09:16:41

chocolatedoughnut that is exactly how is it regarding the book thing. Ds1 I was mat leave from work, ds2 I was in exam time at uni when he was born, and now I have 2 to run around after!
diploddycus I would LOVE ds2 to follow us up stairs!! And so would Ds1.
I've got a baby who is attached to me all day and because Ds1 is a bit older he remembers a time when I would jump in the pool with him, chase him around soft play, race up stairs with him. I can't do that just now, so it's nice for him to have mummy time. And it's nice for me to have a positive atmosphere with lots of love!
That's why I posted twice, wasn't sure if it was a parenting issue or relationship 1.

BudgeUp Tue 04-Aug-15 09:18:20

In that case I'll revise my opinion in line with everyone else's! Your OH IBU.

Tell him that lots of people hate child-centred activities. God I remember preferring to gnaw my hand off rather hand off rather than go through another round of swings and slides!

But you suck it up because you're part of a family and because it makes your kids happy.

DS1 obviously senses his stepdad's reluctance to engage with him and therefore requires your extra reassurance.

diploddycus Tue 04-Aug-15 09:18:30

Fair enough, Glittery. Not what I do with my sons though.
Are they both getting one on one time though? Is the 4 year old at school? Because then if you've been alone with the baby all day, that's different. I'd assumed you were with them both all day.

Regardless, your partner is an arse.

Glitteryarse Tue 04-Aug-15 09:19:22

It sounds like a relastionship one.

He really shouldn't be making you feel bad about quality time with your ds.

I have spa days and trips out alone with my dd1 even though she is an adult now its so very important to have her mum to herself for a short while

Joysmum Tue 04-Aug-15 09:24:08

At 4 years old my DD was in bed by 7:30. That didn't leave much time for my DH's time with her before bed.

A whole hour out of that would have been a huge proportion and left practically nothing.

By doing the video/reading/etc downstairs the child still gets one to one but within the family and without fragmenting the family. The DH feels closer to both but it takes nothing away from the one to one time so surely that's a good compromise?

diploddycus Tue 04-Aug-15 09:28:30

Sorry, I think we cross posted! That's lovely you'd want him to follow you up the stairs. It sounds like a lovely time in the evening and would be nice for DS2 to join in with it.

Definitely a relationship problem (well, a DP problem). You sound like a good mum flowers

glasshouses88 Tue 04-Aug-15 09:32:14

budgeup don't feel you need to revise your opinion. Everyone's different dependent on their experience and situation. I'm asking for opinions because I have no experience of this situation!
We live in Scotland so 4yo doesn't start school till end of this month.they have both been at private nursery for last couple of weeks while I inished exams I missed at uni having just given birth.
I think all I'm trying to do is give ds1 reassurance. Like a few of you have pined out perhaps ds1 can detect a reluctance in oh. Ds2 also has all his family up here and his dad living with him, which ds1 doesn't have. His dad is here and sees him every other weekend (although ds1 would like more time with him, but ex says he's too busy working) but not the red of his dad's family.

mrsplum2015 Tue 04-Aug-15 09:37:47

I don't know. My dh and I try to share our dc and encourage reading and TV altogether in the evenings downstairs. Why can't you have your time together downstairs? If you'd be happy for your ds2 to join in then why not your partner too?

Of course it's lovely to have one on one time and I would love to do that with my eldest every night but then what about my husbands time with her and the other children's time with me?

Who puts ds2 to bed? What time are you upstairs with ds1? Does it leave you with no couple time?

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