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Help to see things clearly

(12 Posts)
whenitgetsbetter Mon 03-Aug-15 11:57:06

I want to know if I'm being extremely paranoid or if I have a right to think something is up and my husband is possibly cheating. I'm going to try and just stick to the facts here. I've thought something has been going on for a long time but without any proof I've been made out to be some crazy woman.
Left his old job 2 weeks ago. Usually mentions when people contact him but I found a group message from his old team that he seems to delete after every message.
Gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked certain questions in case it had just slipped his mind, but he lied and said nobody had contacted him at all that day (asked him a 2nd time and he said he was sure)
I went to the bathroom with my phone to check again the group message and he had deleted the few that were there when I found it.
I didn't confront him at this point and waited til he was asleep to get his phone to look through (although I look on his facebook I have never checked his phone although many times he has said I can). He jumped out of bed and ran at me snatching his phone out of my hand. I asked him why I couldn't look through it. He said he didn't want me too. I asked him if he had something to hide. He said he didn't but still refused to let me look at his phone. He said that I should trust that he isn't up to anything.
When he left for work this morning he still hadn't changed his facebook password so I checked again. The only girl from his team had messaged him saying she couldn't stop reading his goodbye email to her and it makes her fill up everytime. I text him straight away and within a minute he deleted the message, changed his facebook password and deleted and blocked said woman. I know he has her phone number and he's told me outright he's deleted and blocked that too.
His reason? Because he doesn't want anything to do with them anymore as he no longer work with them. Is this odd? Surely if there wasn't anything going on he wouldn't take such drastic measures? Or am I looking into things too much?
I decided to message this woman but she hasn't responded (she's getting married next year and has 2DSs). I've had one woman contact me that works in same office to say about him and this woman being seen together constantly - thought nothing of it. I've then had his ex contact me saying he's a womaniser and a cheat back in June - jealousy I thought.
So, no, I haven't got hard evidence. But does that even matter? I feel like I need solid proof for closure. I shouldn't be with him if I don't trust him, I know that.
We have been married 5 years have 2 DSs and a DD due to be born in just 3 weeks.
Sorry this is so long. I feel like a paranoid, pregnant mess but don't want to be taken for a fool either. Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you if you made it to the end.

Jan45 Mon 03-Aug-15 12:08:34

I'd think him and this colleague were possibly and could possibly still be having an affair. He deletes messages and grabs his phone off you - I'd take that as the sign he's definitely up to something, never mind what other folk are telling you.

The colleague may be about to burst his bubble, hence the frantic deletions.

Beelzebop Mon 03-Aug-15 12:15:07

I must admit that I would be suspicious as well. He's not going to tell you though. It's up to you, I'd be tempted to go to his old work and make an appointment with this woman so she can't escape. You could say you were picking up stuff for him. Check her reaction. Other than that has he done it before? X

Enoughalreadyyou Mon 03-Aug-15 12:19:42

How horrid for you. I know this is s difficult time but you aren't handling this to your advantage. It looks like he has been having an affair.

In order to get proof you needed to stop asking him and quietly monitor the situation as you gathered evidence. Going to him would just lead to lies and deletion of texts.

He has been your enemy not your friend by doing this. Asking him is futile.
He knows that you know now so he will most definitely try to minimise gaslight and when push comes to shove blame you.

Why do you need hard evidence it's clear from what you have seen and heard.

Tell him to leave while you get your head straight.

whenitgetsbetter Mon 03-Aug-15 13:36:47

Thanks everyone for taking time to read and reply. I think I know deep down but I've never accepted it because I've never had the hard evidence to wave it in his face.
I have already asked him to leave and he has refused as it is his house (mortgage is in both our names and we bought it together).
I know I done the wrong thing. I know I should have bided my time but I just wasn't thinking straight. I've never caught I'm cheating before but have suspected.

Thanks for the clarity. Now I know it's not just me and he can't make me believe it's all in my head now.

pocketsaviour Mon 03-Aug-15 13:51:46

It's a shame you tipped your hand, but his reaction told you everything you need to know. He's doing the dirty, probably with this woman.

What do you want to do now? Do you want to end things? I'd suggest making an appointment with a solicitor to talk things through - if you ring round you'll find most places off a free first half hour appt. Then you would know where you stand if you do want to end things.

whenitgetsbetter Mon 03-Aug-15 14:16:26

I wouldn't say I've lived a sheltered life but haven't got clue where to start really. I went from living with my mum to living with H who is 6 years older so never dealt with anything financially anyways. Still only 25. How do I find a solicitor? He's continuing to insist that he's not cheating but has admitted to lying and keeping secrets.
He's always been a liar hence logging into his facebook occasionally. Just feel like me whole world is falling apart and he's just stood there shrugging saying "well I haven't done anything wrong".
I dont really have a place for me and kids to go but don't think I can cope living in the same house as him now.
Sorry I know I'm not making much sense.

pocketsaviour Mon 03-Aug-15 18:36:15

OK, get yourself down to your local CAB - just go to their website and use the "Find my local Citizens Advice" by entering your postcode.

They will be able to advise you on things like tax credits, EMA, housing benefit, etc, and if you know your H's salary they can tell you how much maintenance he'd have to pay for the DCs.

For a solicitor, just Google "solicitors [my city] family law" - you want someone who deals with divorce, obviously, not criminal matters! Ring and ask if they offer free initial appointments, and if they do, take one. You can ring several firms and have appointments with all of them if you like - it can be good to get a range of opinions and advice.

Do you work - obviously you'd be on mat leave now I imagine - or have you been SAHM for your DCs?

Do you and your H own your house or are you renting?

Do you have family that could help out with the birth of your DD being so close, if he was to go?

whenitgetsbetter Mon 03-Aug-15 21:20:17

Thank you I will look I into it tomorrow. It still doesn't seem like its really happening. His refusal doesn't help. He's cried and begged yet never admitted to cheating. I don't know why but I need proof.

No I haven't worked since DS1. My DSs are 4 and 2 so it hasn't been long.

We both own the home together.

I have my mum to help me. He just refuses to leave though. We've tried to make arrangementa whereas we are separated but live together until we sell the house as I have no where to go with kids. He's so nice and accepting about it then he just switches, says he wants to make it work and when I say no he gets nasty again.

Laquitar Mon 03-Aug-15 23:57:05

Maybe he didnt have an actual affair. They pobably flirted and then got emotional close and he tried to stop it there thats why he left the job.?
Thu the goodbye letter to her.
If she had him (they had an affair) she wouldnt have tears.
I think you need to sit down and talk with him.

whenitgetsbetter Tue 04-Aug-15 07:48:38

He has explained away the messages on Facebook and the fact he's deleted and blocked her number (along with other colleagues from old job). But I can't understand why he wouldn't let me look at his phone. He keeps saying he was being stubborn and wanted control, that he thought how dare I not trust him like that. Is he lying?
I've done nothing but cry the past 2 nights and I'm absolutely shattered now. I hate that he's put me in a position where I don't have proof that he's cheated but he doesn't have proof that he hasn't (and tbf it doesn't look good what he has done), and I have to make a life changing decision based on that. I hate him for that. I don't think I will ever be able to trust him again. But what if he genuinely hasn't done anything and he's just been stupid?

fastdaytears Tue 04-Aug-15 08:09:06

I'm sorry OP, I can see why you want to think you've overreacted and he's been able to explain everything but the fact is he really hadn't. He's lied to you about those messages and nothing he's said since about them makes any sense.

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