Living under the same roof when separated

[Perfumista]

Hi all,

I posted last October as me and DP had decided to separate (we have 2 young boys) and I was feeling a little worried about having to tell people etc (that feeling of being a failure etc despite knowing in your heart of hearts that it is the right thing to do).
Well, fast forward to now, and we're still under the same roof. Ex P isn't able to move out yet (job uncertainty) though it should be by the end of the year. I'm exhausted. I feel as though lives are in limbo and I'm still worrying about everything. Eldest boy starts school in September, so I'm naturally worried about that and how he'll adapt. I'm worried about having to break the news to the boys when ExP does move out (though we'll be co parenting, so there isn't going to be any change in the day to day arrangements, which I am thankful for). I'm worried about the future (being on my own etc). Things are ok between us, but I suppose I'm just fed up that things are taking so long. I know I'm not the first and I won't be the last to be in this situation, and I am grateful that I am not in the position that a lot of people are. I suppose I'm just looking for a bit of advice from people have been separated but co habiting for longer than just a few months....

[cozietoesie]

Even a few months would be bad enough. Is he actually trying to find a place to go?

[Perfumista]

He was initially, but then with the work issue, he put it on the back burner until it is sorted. It's just taking a lot longer than expected.

[Peppasmate]

I'm in a similar position to you. I think you've reached a point where a firm date needs to be set.

You all need to move on.

[Ellie88]

Been in this situation 2 yrs, house sold and I'm moving out next month. It's bloody hard being under the same roof. We told the kids early on we'd separated and live separate lives, no eating together etc. we have the kids alternate weekends so one goes out one stays home. It's not ideal but we've stayed fairly civil and the kids have coped very well. (11 & 8)

[cuppateaahhh]

I did this for a few months but found it so awkward so I moved out while the house sold. Like you say it just felt like being in limbo and I was glad to have my own space when I moved.

[ninetynineonehundred]

We did this for a year!
It became totally unbearable and he only moved out once I pointed out how much the kids were affected.
We could possibly have salvaged a friendship if he had stopped being so unwilling to do anything but then we probably wouldn't have split

It was FAR harder living like that than it is now. The relief when he finally went was massive and hasn't gone - that was 4 months ago. Yes it's tiring and tough and money is really tight but the kids and I are so much calmer and happier now he's gone.

The two hardest things for me is seeing that he will never change because he enjoys playing the victim too much which means that I'll be service divorce papers in the next few months, and having to watch my beautiful girls go off with him at weekends. That really hurts.

BUT I'm regaining my social life, remembering what it's like to walk upright because there's no buggy in front of me and I'm starting a business!

Don't underestimate how much energy this is taking from you. It will return and can be used to move your new life forward.

Take care

[Perfumista]

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It has made me a feel a bit better. ninetynineonehundred- well done to you. It sounds like you are most definitely onwards and upwards. I think for me that is what is going to be the hardest; having weekends without the boys. But then, I want them to have the time with their father and I'll probably end up doing loads of cooking and listening to music and watching the Sex and the City boxset endlessly. I have become a lot more introverted of late (probably because I have this great big cloud hanging over my head), so it would be nice to get my mojo back. I am actually quite a fun person... I just want my identity back now.
Thanks again x

[cozietoesie]

... I have become a lot more introverted of late (probably because I have this great big cloud hanging over my head), so it would be nice to get my mojo back...

Actually, it sounds to me as if you've been 'spending' more than you've been getting back in - carrying the household without a whole lot of/any return from your STBXP. You probably need to recharge the batteries.

You have to set a firm date - and the earlier the better now. It's been going on for far too long.

[Perfumista]

cozietoesie- you are right. I have. I'm the one doing all the worrying and mental preparation and it is exhausting. I'm already preparing for the fallout (i.e. oodles of questions from friends and family). So, once the job situation has been sorted, I will have to give a date. Thing is, whenever I have asked about a date previously, I get "So you want me out then?" I say "Well, you were planning on going last year, so I think I've been quite reasonable in not pushing you". I need to move on. I feel as though he already has, and is quite happy in his own bubble. I know children are very resilient, but I still get weepy when I envisage breaking the news to them. And then there are my parents and in laws...

[Winniethewylde]

I could have written your post OP. I'm in such a similar position to you but you seem to be a little further along the line than me. Married 8years, 2 young DCs, marriage has been dead for years. We've recently decided to depart but we're still living together and the children are unaware. I totally know where you are coming from when you say you have become introverted. That's me too. I don't know who I am anymore.

It's horrible, for you, strength and positive thoughts too. You will get through it and life will be back in colour again I'm sure.

pm me if you like, we could go through it together

[Winniethewylde]

*not depart, meant separate

[cozietoesie]

It sounds as if you're feelng 'sorry' for him? Have you split up the finances and the practical living arrangements by the way? (eg are you still using the same bedroom?)

[Perfumista]

cozietoesie- that's next... I'm too soft hearted. Always have been. I need to toughen up a bit
Winniethe wylde- it's lousy, isn't it? I don't know who I am anymore. I am living a great big lie and it tears me up. The boys have no idea. You will get through it too. We can do it together!
*

[cozietoesie]

So you're just living as ever you were - except with the separation hanging over you? (Including having sex etc?) That's not sustainable so I wouldn't be surprised if you were cracking up. Have you actually made up your mind that you want to split from him?