Another dd1 and exh question

[lou33]

Sorry about this, but i need more general opinions about what to do.

Dd1 is mainly a typical teenager, she's a good kid but has her moments, tho nothing overly serious

However, every time she speaks to her dad on the phone or msn she becomes impossible to handle. She starts shouting and bullying the other kids, talks to me like i am rubbish and is generally verbally aggressive as well as tearful

I know she misses him but at the same time she cant be allowed to behave like this, today she told me she wished i would die in a big hole, the other day compared me to a prostitute.

I understand why she does it, however unacceptable, but my question is about punishment for that sort of behaviour. I have told her she has no internet, mobile phone or tv in her room for the forseeable future, but it just made her firstly aggressive,, then trying to make me change my mind, then stroppy to the kids again.

Ds1 is having a birthday treat on saturday, and i am seriously considering telling her she can not come along. What do you think?

She is 14 1/2

[lou33]

I forgot to add i am also makingher tidy her room but she is doing her utmost not to.

She told me she was upset cos of her dad, that at the end of the msn session tonight he started to cry. This incenses me, thathe would do that in front of her, as once again he is not thinking about how she may feel or react to seeing him like that. I had to tell her that his tears are for himself and noone else, because it was his own choice to leave the country and not come back, noone made him. I also told her that if she continues reacting like this after being in touch with him i will have to consider stopping it for a while as it has too much of an impact on her and the rest of us.

[lou33]

bump and help!

[BuffysMum]

I am at a loss to help.

Perhaps you can set limits like when you feel like that you may..........go in your room and beat the hell out of your pillow/bed - go do some sport etc.

don't think it will help if you stop the contact - it will just make you the baddie!

[lou33]

i know but i wouldnt do it as a permanent thing but if she reacts like this each time they speak i dont know what else to do

shall i stop her from coming on the birthday thing on saturday?

she is still pushing it now btw

[BuffysMum]

would she be actually care if she wasn't allowed to go?

[Freckle]

Are they on a webcam on MSN? Otherwise, how would she know that he was crying?

Does she have pocket money/money for chores? Mobile phone top ups? Perhaps restricting that would be more effective than banning her from her younger brother's birthday bash.

[lou33]

i don't know, i think so, because it means missing out on a day of fun, but then again she may well apologise and come along and then get stroppy there and ruin his treat because i have to tell her off

[lou33]

she was on webcam with him

i'e taken her mob phone, stopped her internet connection and banned tv in her room, but she is still behaving the same way, that's why i am thinking of the weekend, tho i feel terribly mean

[hannahsaunt]

It must be hard to separate the behaviour (which is unacceptable) and the cause. Have you talked about how she would feel if she were to have less regular contact with her dad (once a week, once a fortnight, whatever is less than now) - would it help? Does she have someone to talk to about how her sessions with her dad make her feel (as in, if she can't talk to you, is there someone else or can you broach this with her?). Following through with punishments is vital so good for you sticking to what you had already said would go. Would it be better for you to mediate the sessions she has with him (keeping internet out of her bedroom would be vital for this). This is all off the top of my head - hope it may be helpful - thinking of you all.

[7up]

no advice for you lou, im dreading going through all this with ds whos 12 and used to listen to me and apologise if wrong but now shouts at me and doesnt give a stuff if he upsets me, im dreading thenext few years

would have a word with herdad if hes been crying infront of her, thats just no on

[MABS]

Lou hun, no advice just hugs XXxx

[lou33]

she's just not giving in

she is refusing to go to bed, she is shouting at me, shouting at the kids, and now i am in tears as well

they dont have regular contact with him, he phones when he feels like it, this is always the result but i cant go on with her behaving like this another minute

i told her she has until monday to show an improvement or else i am calling social services as i cant cope with this

she argues just like her dad, my youngest is crying again like he used to when his dad shouted at me, she says the same sort of things he did to me, it's wrong and i dont have to put up with it

[lou33]

she keeps coming out and saying sorry, but i keep telling her all i want her to do is what i have repeatedly told her, and that is to to go her room, because i dont want to speak to her right now

[lou33]

and she came out again

[hannahsaunt]

Do you think at the end of the day she's worried that her dad walked out on her and she thinks you might do the same - hence the pushing to the limit and beyond?

Really hope she gets through the other side of this for all of your sakes.

Thinking of you all.

[lou33]

we have had this conversation

not that long ago, i told them all i am not going anywhere, they are stuck with me

[lou33]

she got up this morning and reacted as she always does, said sorry, then carried on in her normal way,i really dont know what else to do to help her (and us)

she sees a youth worker/counsellor at school, and is going to be seeing someone a bit more highly trained from next week, also through the school, at my request. I met the woman on tuesday and ran through what she is like and has been going through and why ithink she is so angry, so i am hoping it might help, but it certainly isnt making for a v happy household right now.

[throckenholt]

can you try and talk to her as an adult - say that is what you are going to do.

(I don't remember your history - so this is just generic stuff).

Tell her you are aware she is upset by the situation with her dad - you can't do much to change that - much as you might want to. Tell her - fine - she is allowed to be upset - bits of it upset you too. However, being mean to everyone around her is not the way to deal with it. If she has a problem she has to find a way to deal with it that does not make life unpleasant for those around her.

Tell her you think removing all her privileges was a desparate act on your part - and you know it is not working. But until she will agree on better behaviour then you don't know what else to do.

Tell her - she is nearly grown up now - and she must realise that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes - and must live with those - and make the best of it.

And tell her you love her, want to help if you can, and want her to be at the centre of a happy family.

It's tough being a parent.

[WhizzBangCaligula]

Maybe this counsellor wotsit will help Lou.

One more thing to add to Throckenholt's post - could you involve her in sanctions? Agree with her on what's reasonable behaviour and what isn't, and ask her how she thinks she should be sanctioned for bad behaviour? She might be more likely to go along with punishments if she's agreed a) the behaviour level and b) the actual sanction when the behaviour doesn't measure up.

[lou33]

i've done all this, which is why i dont know what to do next

we sat down only a couple of days ago and went through all the things you have suggested i say

[throckenholt]

how about doing it again - but this time coming up with a written list of agreed things.

I saw once a technique - you sit down together - write down all ideas, however way off, without discussion. Then when you have got all the ideas - go through them all - discuss them one by one - throw out the stupid ones, agree on the others.

If she feels she has some stake in the process and a chance to influence decisions it should help.

And emphasise the talking as adults bit - ie you need her help to sort out the situation as best you can. Tell her before you start that you can't wave a mgic wand and make things perfect.

[lou33]

i dont know what to do

right now i have to go get her from school and tell her that her 15 yr old cousin has died, and i am worried how she will react to that

i figure its better to tell her without all the other kids about, as she knew him better

[lou33]

she's v quiet, the calm before the storm i think

[WhizzBangCaligula]

OMG it's one blow after another. Why has her cousin died Lou? Is it your nephew / niece as well? So sorry you're having to deal with all this.