Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Met someone new, but the sex wasn't what I expected, any thoughts?(55 Posts)
Well I have posted on here a few times as been single a good year and a half now and your help has been amazing thank you......However in the last few months I have "finally" met a really sweet guy, who I feel is on the same wavelength with me.
As I had such a horrendous last relationship with a controlling partner, I felt I wanted to meet someone the opposite which has been the case here. Im 40, he is 48 and he just had his divorce through in February of this year after 12 years marriage with a really awful, controlling ex partner who reaped him financially where he's having to borrow money to pay her off still. He doesnt want to tell me everything about her but I think he went through quite a heavy depressive time, only for his family to not speak to him for 2 years, dad and brother which sounds incredibly horrific for anyone to disown anyone like that because of an ex partner. All is ok now since they divorced.
She does still come up in conversation i.e. don't have a ring tone the same as hers as it brings up bad memories of her, all I fear is a text coming in thats negative as its normally from her with those nasty words texting me in the past, she was that nasty, she was on anti depressants etc etc....so I think I have a good picture of what she is like.
After a while, getting to know one another, we end up sleeping together as the chemistry is amazing between us and we are so in sync with one another being open etc, however (and this is rather awkward for me to write this) me thinking, the chemistry is strong which it is, when we get down to it, he wants to please, he says, but 2 hours later (after feeling somewhat sore and knackered like another gym session and drained) he still hasnt come. I feel pretty urgh?? so much built up passion...He says he likes to be in control but I kind of like just going with the flow and seeing what happens and if one person is first, hey who cares, we can go again. My last long term relationships where they were amazing physically, were exactly that, hence why it was so many years we were together etc.
I didnt want to stay over at his either, which isn't like me. Instead I am home feeling a tad deflated or perhaps disappointed and knackered incase we had t go through a marathon again the next morning..... my expectations may have been too high or assuming it would be something else and it not been.
2 hours...literally.....he didnt go soft, so perhaps a good thing but after 2 hours we had to have a break (food lol) then he was turned on again, but he couldn't get hard so, at 2am...Im thinking, Im losing my energy levels here and need to go home before i pass out. So I did and asked him to finish off himself (oops) I know I know, that sounds terrible but i was trying to think not another 2 hours .....and wanted him to feel more relaxed at ease. I have mentioned to him I feel he is uptight which he admits he is and he said he will trust or finds trust an issue, his ex ended up being unfaithful.
He's quite happy with me by the looks of things but Im hoping this isn't an issue, as for me this area is such a big thing xx - any ideas or anyone had the same. Looks like all he wants is to please me which is lovely and isn't selfish but 2 hours....I cant even do 45minutes in the gym - ouch!! - I'm aching this morning...I feel old....oh boy!!
I havent mentioned this to him as I don't want to do or say anything that may hurt him again so will find the time when its right if this happens again, definitely feel its a trust, nervous thing
xx thank you xx
Do you think there is a chance he had taken Viagra OP?
Nothing worse than a humper that goes on and on for hours. A finger up the backside usually sorts it out though if you get sick. It works but most people balk at the idea when it's suggested.
Tbh though it sounds as if he's really not ready for a relationship yet from what you say about his ex. in either case you may need a heart to heart with him. No point in just plodding on if you're going to dread bedroom playtime.
Run for the hills. Controlling, bad mouthing his ex and family disowning him are all red flags. You've only had his side of the story which is, according to him, everyone else is wrong and he is right.
You haven't found Mr Right, you've found Mr Always Right and he's a nightmare to try and have a relationship with.
Sebsmummy, you know I was thinking that too, re the viagra!! good point
Sounds like he could benefit from some counselling around his previous relationship issues.
You need to talk to him about this. Has sex always been like this for him or is it because of the problems in his previous relationship? Or were the problems in the relationship because of his sex and control issues?
If he is unwilling to talk or acknowledge he has an issue. Sorry, but you may need to walk away, sex should be natural and to need to make excuses to leave during sounds grim.
I'd be very suspicious about the story he's weaved about his divorce and his ex.
I wonder if he took some viagra because he wanted to ensure he could 'perform' when the time came?
Do you know any of his friends or family now? The fact that his own family turned against him would be a source of concern for me. I'm not for one minute claiming that men can't be the victim of controlling women, but sometimes men who claim their XWs were controlling and 'fleeced' them are guilty of transference and it transpires that they were actually the controlling ones (believing their XWs were controlling for standing up for themselves) and 'fleecing' actually equates to expecting their fair share of the marital assets or child support. The later tag on that the XW was unfaithful is also very typical (blaming someone else for behaviour towards you). I'm not saying that's what's going on here and it could be the case that this is new and overwhelming for him, but in your shoes I would be on the alert for red flags.
I think he probably has erection issues and took Viagra to deal with it. Not many 50 year old men can stay hard for 2 hours! He should have been upfront about it. I wouldn't enjoy a 2 hour sex marathon and it's fine to say so!
The last guy I slept with had erection issues and blamed it on his cheating ex. So unattractive.
I think it's vey common for him not to cum the first time. It's nerves or that he wants to retain control and would feel somehow 'weak' after coming. It's a psychological thing - fuck all to do with trust or exes though, that's bullshit. Tell him you were disappointed and hope he cums next time.
I have had this twice (once with now dh) on the first night together, and I haven't slept with that many people. Also I'm sexy as hell, haha (well used to be at least), so it's not that. I do think they don't understand how important them cumming is to us though.
I don't think he sounds ready for a relationship at all, and the story of his past - too many red flags for me. Sorry.
Take his sob story about his ex with a pinch of salt. His own family fell out with him over it? Hmmm there must be more to it.
As for the sex, well if you wanted to go home rather than stay that says it all. I would leave it but based on his recent past more than anything.
TRexinginAsda - loving the name....just back from Asda lol!
I think someone else said the same and experienced the nerve thing related to the sex on the first night when meeting someone, but normally gets better, but my god I'm feeling on edge with him like this blasted ex is doing my head in and she's still on his mind - I don't know half the story and don't want to but just an easy life would be nice.
You are right, its a "big" thing cumming for us.....it is....ok so obsessed lol but it makes us feel good and natural too, surely?
I don't think he is ready for a relationship, something (when the sex came into it) didnt feel right, you know that feeing its natural, this wasn't at all and made me feel worse afterwards, I am a sensitive cookie but I have had great natural sex, in the past, so this is made me paranoid as well as wary of that bloody ex....sorry rant over....its been a long night, thank you for your help, just trying to get answers hmm on what to do or leave even?
You've come out of a horrid relationship but I fear you're about to go into another. He may seem very different to your ex but that is a serious amount of baggage for one person.
You deserve someone who has their life on track OP, who has a strong family and friend network and who you can just have fun with.
I'd run a mile, tbh.
How he speaks about his ex. His family disowning him for 2 YEARS. He's mentioned in bed that he likes to be in control?
The hills are thataway
So, weird uncomfortable Viagra sex, and a totally implausible story about the crazy ex-wife.
What did he do to her that his family fell out with him over it? Or perhaps the n/c had nothing to do with the divorce? Getting into debt to pay off ex-wife? Hmm... Perhaps he's just crap with money or he gambles?
None of this hangs together OP, the crap sex is the least of it.
What he tells you may or may not be true. It wouldn't be the first time a victim if abuse had their own family turn against them in favour if a manipulative charming abuser.
The thing that made me hmm was saying he likes to be in control in bed. Maybe there is good reason he said that. Wants to feel in control after nit having any.
I'd want some sort of evidence of what he says being true.
Even if it's all true he, as with anyone out if an abusive relationship, probably needs to work on the issues abusive relationships leave people with.
thank you, wafflyversatile - i think you have a good point!
Red flags are flying for me - having read your post.
The sex thing is the least of your worries. Its not always right and mind blowing with someone new the first time. 2 hours would bore me to death though,I have to say.
He sounds too hung up on the past and certainly not ready for a new relationship. People who slag of ex's always put me on edge and is rarely a good sign.The telling you hald of it but not all of it - also seems a bit of a mind game. I am very scepticle though when it comes to men.
I may be too out of dating practice to offer much of a valid opinion but I would say that any relationship that causes headaches, worries, doubts in the early days is probably not worth persuing. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period - your glory days. This is supposed to be the period of time that if you go the distance, you look back on and reminisce over.
Red flags galore.
Please don't use the phrase "reaped him financially": assume it's a rape reference, which is unacceptable. If he used this term to you about his ex that's horrible and a red flag.
if he has paid or is still paying her money there will be a reason why, eg maintenance for DC, a legally-determined settlement.
Not coming is also a side effect of some anti-depressants.
I think people are jumping the gun a bit on this guy. What he tells you about his ex wife doesn't need to be tied up with what goes on in the bedroom. Me tioning 'control' doesn't mean he is a bad person, lots of people like power play in the bedroom but are very equitable in real life. I think its good to tell people what you like early on so it doesn't cause problems later! My boyfriend is similar in the lengthy sex stakes, finds it difficult to come and it isn't anything to do with viagra. Its because he had a vasctomy that didn't go quite right many years ago and in the years of being single after his marriage he got too heavily into watching porn.
He has given that up now in a decision to try and fix himself and it has helped, plus we have tried some different ideas and helped him find a way to come. I still have the same issue myself though! I think we DO get used to having great sex with someone we married (or whatever), especially if, like me, you married someone at least in part, because the sex was great, even if you didn't admit that to yourself at the time! So yes it is disappointing to find that you fancy someone but it doesn't work out physically so well but it can be worked on if he seems great in other respects.
Join the discussion
Please login first.