May be triggering - question on euthanasia (VERY long)

NaughtySpottyBengalCat · 2015-07-31 15:41:09

I have not had an easy life. I have tried my utmost to make my life better. For decades I have tried, but I cannot make it better. It only continues to get worse and I see no point making the same mistakes over & over, being more & more hurt to no avail. I will euthanize myself in the future, but want to ensure I hurt the minimum number of people. This will not be in the short term, but rather in the next 6 months to 2-3 years. I have 2 elderly, very ill cats who I love dearly and I will keep going for them until they are gone. They are all I have in the world and I know I will not be able to live without them. I genuinely have nothing to live for. I am logical so will number the reasons and background for my decision: 1. I am unloved and always will be. I had a very abusive upbringing, being sexually & EA before I was 5. I grew up thinking I was totally unloved. As an adult I know this was not true and that my mother did her best. She only told me she loved me & hugged me once in my entire life, just before she died. I have aspergers (undiagnosed as a child) so I was very difficult for my mum who just wanted a polite, pretty little girl but got an ugly, rude, tantruming child she could not bond with. Anyway my entire family are dead and have been since I was 21. Due in part to the aspergers, in part to my background, I have not dated in over 15 years, particularly as all my relationships have been abusive, including EA, being cheated on etc. My last relationship made me realize I had no weirdo radar ( yes I know, pot, kettle etc) and being so alone I was exceptional vulnerable and an easy target. This guy only dated me to steal from me. He took thousands, including the ring my mum gave me for my 21st just before she died (blaming other people). He annihilated my trust & confidence in myself. I last saw him in prison where he was held on remand accused of multiple rape (not of me), so yes he was a bad un. I would never have been a fit mother as I am so depressed and unable to care properly for myself so I choose to have no children. I have very few friends in total, none of whom are face to face friends as they all live far away. I only have internet friends who I care for and appreciate very much, but only chat to once a week maybe on FB. They are the topic of this post. How to not hurt them. I am a total recluse and scared to leave the house. The only human contact I have is once a month seeing the Dr for 10 minutes my repeat prescription. I know having no family or friends is totally incomprehensible to many of you. Due to the aspergers, making friends is incredibly hard for me. I know many people with aspergers can make friends, marry, have a normal, happy life but I simply can't. I have tried for decades and blamed & hated myself for not being strong & human like everyone else; now I am too depressed to try any more. Before you scorn, imagine what it is like for me having no human contact. Ever, neither as a child or now. No hug or reassurance when I am upset. No-one to call to share good news with. Nothing, with no realistic prospect of this changing. This is why my cats are my children. Until I got them I had never loved & genuinely been loved in return before in living memory. They have both been very ill recently and I had to sell my flat to pay for radiotherapy for both of them. Doing that destroyed the last of my dreams, as I needed the money from its sale to pay uni tuition fees. Their tumours have gone but they both have kidney problems now and are dying. 2. I lost both my careers and I doubt I will be fit to work again. Having no family, being unable to date, no kids & few friends means having a career is more important to me than it is for most people, both financially and as a means of defining myself. I gave up the chance to be a vet to live at home and nurse my mother who had cancer. Instead I studied law at a local uni. Being a vet was something I had wanted to do my entire life, the only thing I had ever wanted, but the vet uni's were too far away to stay at home and since we only had each other, I would not leave my mum. I did not know this decision would wreck my entire working life. Although the law itself was very easy for me, I could not cope with an office environment, nor the adversarial nature of being a lawyer. I started having breakdowns, moving jobs after each one, then the same thing happening again within a year or so. I could not go on and was advised to give up law by a top psychiatrist and instead find a job I enjoyed. Job and enjoy - an oxymoron if there ever is one, but I did find it I sold my home, my car, furniture & took my lifetimes savings and tried to requalify as a vet. It was the happiest time of my entire life. For the first time ever I was at peace with myself & was happy, confident and fulfilled. I always knew it was my calling and it did not let me down. I was top of my class, won a scholarship (unfortunately only for 6 months), prizes for my work etc as vet med is my special interest. I did lots of voluntary work in a small animal practice and animal rescue and I loved it. With the recession damaging my savings & investments I could not afford to finish however, so I returned to the UK to try to work and save. After 2 minimum wage jobs I got my first legal job - temping at £7 per hour. Not all lawyers are well paid!!! After 8 years to qualify and 16 years experience it was not much and quite humiliating, but it was a job and a means to an end. I got another job shortly after also at a very low wage (a third of my first lawyer's salary when I qualified 16 years previously), but I lost it in 9 months and was on the verge of a major breakdown. Then the cats got sick and I spent every penny I had saved for the last couple of years trying to cure them. I even sold my tiny studio flat to pay for their treatment and to support us while unemployed, knowing that it's sale (cheaply to an investor as an emergency sale) would mean I would never afford to return to uni and be a vet. Both my legal career and my new vet career are gone. I know this is a very first world problem, and for someone from my background I was very lucky to have the chance to study law. However, it has left me both unable to support myself and unable to get loans or support to retrain for something more suitable. On leaving law, on the advice of the psyciatrist, I was relying on finding a career I would find fulfilling and enjoyable in order to give my life purpose when the cats eventually died. Even after 3 years, I still can't breathe for grief over not competing my degree. My whole class have now graduated and are working, except for me. I have tried EVERYTHING to raise the money to finish, including crowdfunding. I am a proud person and find it extremely hard to ask for help, but I got on my knees and begged for help, to no avail. I realize that I didn't deserve help and despite putting my heart & soul into it, I knew the crowdfunding would fail. However I had to try so there were no regrets and 'what if' s' With no guarantor or job and worse, studying abroad, I can't get a loan. Neither can I go back to law or any office job (even if I could get a job, which I can't) and save. I tried that for 2 years and failed. I can't take any more time out. I have accepted it is over. The aspergers makes office work unbearable for me which is a massive problem, particularly since so many offices are open plan now, which makes it worse. For years I cut myself with a scalpel just to get to work. I don't want to have to do that again. I wish I had the courage to keep hurting myself so I can work, but I just can't any more. On a practical level you run out of skin. With no job I feel totally worthless. I am very overqualified and cannot get interviews for basic non office jobs e.g. delivery driver. After over 1000 applications and £2500 spent on interviews (which I could not get refunded as I was too depressed and proud to apply for jobseekers until I was penniless), I am ashamed to admit to now being too depressed to keep applying for jobs. 3. In Poverty & Disgraced. Every penny I saved my entire life is gone. I don't think I will ever be fit to work again and will live out my life this way. This terrifies me. I feel I am a disgusting drain on society and I know I am totally worthless. I don't even deserve to be called human. I had chances for a great career. Yes, I hated it but I can't help condemn myself for being too weak to be able to bear it like everyone else seems to do. I can't justify being a burden on society for the next 50 years, so my euthanasia benefits everyone. My cats are very expensive to keep as they are ill and benefits does not cover much. I can't afford any hobbies or interests which may have helped my depression & being around people, though probably not. I very rarely wash or leave the house (the Dr is aware). Sometimes not for months. It saves on water & gas not to wash myself or my clothes but really I can't summon the energy. I will have no heating at all this winter and no food I like. I can't be bothered to cook so just eat bread and junk food th at I can just open the packet. I keep the house ok as it is the landlord's and of course the cats are kept in the manner to which they are accustomed. I just can't care for myself. My luxury and only contact with the outside world is my internet which I will keep. Conclusion - with no family, friends, no fun or pleasure, no job or career & living in poverty and without hope of ever having any of those basic things, I think it is clear there is no hope for me. I can't recover from the way my life has panned out. I know people will think I haven't tried, but I tried my heart out. If I had just had aspergers & no family but was never abused - maybe I would have been ok with creating my own family. Or if I had just been abused, lost my family but no aspergers I could have coped and created a new life for myself, with love & happiness. I just cannot cope with Aspergers, no family & friends, no career or job I can tolerate in addition to having been abused. It is too much for me to recover from, though I know it makes me weak and disgusting. So I think I can confidently say once the cats have passed, I am being selfish to no-one to euthanize myself. As I have aspergers I know I can be very naive and don't necessarily understand how other people think and how the world works This is why I am posting here - to get your views on what is the best way to tell people, or not as the case may be. I know maybe everyone is different but I don't want any of my friends to feel bad that they didn't guess how bad I felt and didn't offer enough support etc. I know they will all be wonderful when the girls die, but there is nothing anyone can do to help my grief - again this is why it was so important to have a career which was more of a calling in place. If I had been a vet, that one good thing I loved in my life would have pulled me through I think, but it was not to be. So - given it will be 6 months minimum until both cats die, probably more like 2-3 years, would it be best to cut contact with my friends now? I could do this gradually or tell them I am having my internet cut off due to cost, which is 100% believable. Then they would not keep in touch so would never know. I will be penniless with no family when I die so the council will probably have to dispose of my remains and I will leave no contact details for people. Do you think this would be best, or would some people rather know and say goodbye even? With some thought I could maybe make it look like an accident if that would be the best for everyone - friends and who-ever collects the body etc. Even an accident abroad may work theoretically, though I won't ever have money for a holiday so that would be unrealistic. Lastly, would I be better giving notice to my landlord and euthansing myself elsewhere, as I am sure it would cause her difficulty having a person die in the house? Even if just 're-renting or feeling spookey. But then where would be best? A hotel maybe with DND on door and a letter sent to police/council to let them know so cleaner doesn't find me and get upset? I heard hotels were used to this. Or somewhere very remote, depending on weather, but I would worry a walker, particularly with kids, may find my body/skeleton eventually and be traumatized. I don't want to upset anyone, but life is pretty unbearable now and I know once the girls die I won't have anything to live for. Sorry for the extreme length. I am not a troll or an immediate suicide risk. It has taken me 5 hours to write this so I think a troll would have got board and trippity trapped elsewhere, though I know it is an odd post. I know many will judge me very harshly, but with no possibility of happiness, unable to work & just taking off society, with no-one who loves me, I think I will be justified, particularly where I can ensure I don't hurt anyone - which is what I need to do and why I am asking for advice. I will try and come to check replies and answer queries, as this issue is important for me to get right. I am frightened of lots of nasty comments telling me to pull myself together & that I am a parasite on society & to get a job. I already tell myself this. It is like telling someone with a broken leg to walk. I just can't

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