Crush on attached friend

[sunnysummer34]

Male friend (work colleague) and me (single female) have known each other about 6 years, always been mates and regularly drink with other work colleagues. I have lots of male friends and am generally good at platonic friendships.

About a year ago friend temporarily separated from his DP (no children involved). During the separation we spent more time socialising together, I got to know him better and developed a crush. I never said anything and nothing happened between us. Friend is now back with his DP and I still have the crush.

When he first got back with DP I tried to keep out of his way, and actually took steps to avoid him, hoping crush would go away, but this summer there have been several work things that we have both been at (which his DP doesn't attend) which have reminded me how great I think he is. I'm supposed to be going to a work social tonight that he will be at and I'm considering not going just so I don't run into him and open up te feelings again. I know this sounds like a teenage problem but any suggestions about how to move on. I know the best thing would be to find someone else to focus my attention on but at the moment I'm not really interested in dating.

[SevenAteNine]

Do you think you're depressed?

[horsewalksintoabar]

The thing is OP, she he was available, he made no attempt to show you more interest. More drinking time together at work functions doesn't mean he's interested. I sound harsh but it's only because I've been there. As it happens, I did end up with my work colleague. If this guy made no attempt to ask you out when he was available AND he went back to his GF, then sadly, the writing is on the wall. Platonic friendship it is. Maybe change jobs. Move on or you'll get seriously bummed out (especially if he moves forward with marriage and babies while you're standing there, carrying a torch for him). Try and detach.

[Pinot4me]

You should read the limerance thread posted here a couple of weeks ago. It might help you.

[FolkGirl]

She already knows all that, horse. She wants to know how she can get past the crush.

Fwiw, sunny, I usually just enjoy the crush for what it is because I know mine pass after a few months. Is there anything about him you don't like? I have found that focusing on what would make them completely unsuitable for me sometimes helps a little...

[LitreOfTea]

That's sad. I don't think you sound depressed! I wouldn't be able to face dating either.

I'd usually go off somebody taken, without working on it. it would just happen naturally. As a pp says, he was single and probably sensed you liked him but did nothing. It might take a while,but that realisation would turn me off him.

[AuntieStella]

You move on by act of conscious will now.

This crush isn't making you noticeably happy and doesn't seem to be a delicious dream that you escape to from time to time.

So you need to deliberately start thinking of something else when your thoughts turn to him - it won't be another person (until you meet some you could fancy) but perhaps plans to do new stuff, rejig your home, start a course, even what you can have for dinner.

And yes, don't drink alcohol at any work gatherings with him, and if you are worried you're on the point of doing something very stupid in front of your colleagues (which includes him) it might be better not to go. Unless of course you want to change jobs (possibly entire work sector) whilst in a difficult spot reputationally.

[Goodbyemylove]

I can't see what depression has to do with it.

I have had crushes in the past but if they are not acted upon they soon disappear naturally after a few months. Mind you I've never been attracted to someone who was a good friend. That must be hard.

If you think he doesn't share your feelings just cool it. Be polite but no cosy chats and no late night drunken discussions.

[SevenAteNine]

I can't see what depression has to do with it.
Not necessarily anything, but if you are dwelling on thoughts that are making you unhappy, it's something to think about.

I have had problems with depression all my adult life, I did this exact thing when I was going through a rough patch.