Husband of 4 years has zero sex drive

[RubyD]

I am sure this has been posted many times before, I know it happens often and I need advice about what to do.

I met my husband about 4.5 years ago. It was a secret at the start so quite passionate and we got engaged very soon after and married within the year. We didn't live together until a few weeks before the wedding but the physical side was pretty enthusiastic on both sides until stopped partying and started trying for kids. Sadly we lost 2 babies in the first 6 months of getting married and we then had to try for over a very emotional and stressful 14 months to conceive our first daughter. I got pregnant again very soon after baby number 1 and we had baby number 2, 9 months ago now. The problems with my husband's sex drive started after we got married, tbh before the babies were lost so I am loathe to blame that entirely. We have had a rough start to married life but everything else is good now, however, he has not actually instigated sexual contact in most of the time we've been married. When i get pregnant he takes it as his cue to stop touching me, he says he feels uncomfortable so this means long months of abstinence. I would say we have sex now once every few months and only when I feel so upset about it that I mention it. The longest time was about 6 months.

Life with the babies doesn't help of course, we are both tired, baby number 2 has a disability and also doesn't sleep well at night but generally I don't think we are in any worse position that any other family. He says he loves me but just doesn't think about sex. I feel unattractive, unloved (he doesn't really show affection in other ways - we don't kiss passionately ever) and he says he understands why I feel this way but doesn't do anything about it. He went for hormone tests which came back clear so I am thinking i have to either get out of the marriage with a man I love which would be devastating for all of us or just accept that my sex life is over. I am just 40 now so this upsets me greatly.

An old flame has contacted me recently and suddenly I am having all these passionate dreams which I do not want to have. I know an affair is not the answer but frankly I do not know if I can go without physical contact for the rest of my life. I have mentioned seeing a counsellor together for sex therapy and he said he would go but told me to organise it and I am just feeling he is going through the motions to please me. If I was in his shoes and really wanted to change things then I would be calling up and making that appt pronto. He just seems to want to pass the buck to me which makes me feel like I am forcing the issue and he just isn't that bothered. I feel like he sees me as his friend/mother/sister combined and not a wife.

So that is where we are now. Does anyone have any advice? I don't think he will change that much really so am feeling quite depressed about it all.

[pocketsaviour]

I certainly couldn't live like this and I don't think anyone should settle for it.

However
I have mentioned seeing a counsellor together for sex therapy and he said he would go but told me to organise it and I am just feeling he is going through the motions to please me.
Yeah maybe, but do it anyway. Because you want to fix this more than he does, but at least if he goes along he is making some sort of effort.

If you love him, and he's a good dad and partner in other ways, it's surely worth the effort on your part to save the marriage.

[RubyD]

Thanks @pocketsaviour - honestly never thought i would be in this situation. I do want to fix things and don't want another man, just my husband. Will make an appt and hope something changes. At least I will have tried then. :)

[Imi22sleeping]

I'm in the same situation a bit different as have only one toddler but the night before we found out we where pg we had sex. He didn't touch me the whole.pregnancy and has barely since he is two soon . He is currently losing a ton of weight I thought he would feel better but he is actually feeling worse
I feel awful I had pnd too so was a mess for a long time .feeling Unloved unattractive and sad. He doesn't think we have a problem as we are just busy bringing up baby.

[nearlyhadenough]

RubyD - it sounds like you have both had a terrible few years that have all been centred around pregnancy/getting pregnant/losing babies/having babies and this sometimes sad situation must have some bearing on both of your emotional wellbeing.

Counselling may help, sex therapy is a different style of counselling and could also be useful. I have been through both...... it depends what you are hoping for.

The fact that your DH is willing to give something a try is worth so much. When he isn't trying - that's when you know nothing will work!

[HelenaDove]

Sorry but i think hes going through the motions. He will probably go along but to "keep the OP quiet"

[MysteryMan1]

I am with Helena, he just isn`t that interested I'm afraid. It is hard to keep sexual passion and desire alive for years and the thought of someone new and exciting is often a turn on.

However I would try to do something different - weekend away etc. See what happens and take it from there...

[HelenaDove]

MM Its not the OPs fault. There has been thread after thread on here of women trying everything from losing weight, sexy underwear. It Does Not Work.

[MysteryMan1]

I never said it was her fault at all. It is a 'last ditch' attempt TBH.

[wallaby73]

Sadly, it could be a case that you married very quickly (met and married within the year....) whereas if you hadn't married and gave it more time, it may have been that these issues would have come up and the relationship naturally ended due to the spark going out and nothing solid materialised....an infatuation that evapourated, and you would have both walked away. Instead you quickly went from marriage to your devastating losses, and now 2 children. It sounds tough, but it sounds to me that it isn't you, he's just lost interest on that front.

[Vernazza]

Okay at the risk of playing junior psychologist here, I will draw attention to the fact that you said sex was great and enthusiastic before you got married the problems began after you got married and BEFORE you lost any babies This is a big red flag for the Madonna-Whore syndrome!!! By all means see a sex therapist - and make sure he or she is a well qualified psychologist - but in the interim I would recommend reading up on the Madonna-Whore syndrome and see if it fits - I could be way off base, but if not, it may be a case of a very bright lightbulb coming on for you. Good luck OP. x

[onereminder]

"How DARE you expect him to have sex with you if he doesn't want to!"

Oops, sorry - I thought you were a bloke complaining about a woman not wanting sex and gave you the usual MN response.

I've full sympathy with you. x

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Even if he is just going along with the idea of counselling, I don't think this is a reason not to push ahead with it. Once he and the OP are in counselling, the counsellor will pull him into the process. Having had counselling myself, I cannot imagine a counsellor letting someone sit back and 'book out' of the process - they will make sure he becomes involved.

I am the spouse with no sex drive. I have depression and anxiety, suffer insomnia more often than is good for me, and am overweight - all of which have added up to destroy my sex drive, which was always pretty low, to be honest.

Dh has been fairly understanding about it - and it has gone on for years and years - but I know how difficult it is for him. It just adds to all the other things he has to put up with about living with me and my depression.

It is tough, and I feel like a total failure as a person and as a wife - and maybe the OP's husband feels the same - and I can tell you that those self-critical feelings make it even harder to summon up any libido. Feeling pressured to have sex has a hugely negative effect on me too - whether that pressure is coming from me (because one thing I am very good at is self-criticism) or from dh.

[RubyD]

Hi everyone - I think it is a mixed bag with us and no one reason why he isn't interested. He does worry a lot about everything and drinks and smokes to release stress. He does no exercise at all and I think if he channelled his energy into our relationship sometimes rather than externally it would be a good thing. I don't think it is me, just that he is not interested generally.I will try and work it out with him, no-one is perfect and we get on well otherwise. Dashing off with the kids so sorry if this is a bit rushed!! :)