Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He is going to lie about me in court, can't deal with it

(20 Posts)
brokenlostcantdoit Thu 30-Jul-15 08:40:20

I'm feeling so alone and like I can't cope. I need some hand holding and advice.

Might be a bit long as don't want to drip feed. Had 10 year relationship with partner who I also happen to work with although we have no DC together (I have two DC 16 and 13 from my marriage) and do not live together (I did not want to live with him due to his controlling nature). Over the 10 years I have been subjected to repeated emotional abuse. It has been physical on a few occasions. Once I went to the police after one of the physical incidents but he told them a different version and no charges were brought against him as they said there wasn't enough evidence. He is a narcissistic abuser and has a public persona that is very different to what he is like in public. Everyone thinks he is a great guy, no one except my family believe what he is like.

He harassed and abused me relentlessly until in April I left him and went to the police. He was arrested and place on bail and forbidden from contacting me or coming near me, and work put in measures to keep him away from me at work. He was eventually given a caution for harassment and possession of a weapon and I was granted an ex parte injunction. The injunction forbids him from coming near me at work as well as everything else. The return hearing is on Monday. I have just received his statement as well as 2 supporting statements from fellow colleagues at work basically saying we are just in a toxic relationship and both as bad as each other. Not the case. I have reacted in anger on occasion as a result of his continuous abuse (never been physical with him, just might have shouted occasionally or sent him text telling him to f* off and leave me alone etc). I am only human. I have 10 years' worth of abusive emails and texts from him that completely contradict his version of events but his statement and his statement from the colleagues is all lies. I can't stand being in court and having him lie about me. My solicitor will be there but I am worried I will break down completely. The statements from colleagues are all about what a great guy he is and how valued he is at the company.

I feel so alone. I have been to HR at my company as some of the abusive emails were sent from his work address and they have been useless. They refused to write a letter to the court saying they would try to work round the terms of the order, and yet his management was able to write a statement to court bypassing HR and badmouthing me. I don't understand how this was allowed.

I can't cope. I can't give up my job due to having DC to support and mortgage to pay. Getting another job isn't an option, can't say why as it would out me.

I just want to run away. Please help me.

pallasathena Thu 30-Jul-15 09:02:05

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger you know. This is a tough time for you but you have to be strong and brave and believe in yourself. If you show the court the real you, a person of honesty, integrity and decency, they will know who is in the right here and equally, who is in the wrong.

They're not stupid.

Baffledmumtoday Thu 30-Jul-15 09:04:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brokenlostcantdoit Thu 30-Jul-15 09:05:44

my solicitor is good but she is practical of course and I don't think she fully understands how difficult I find it to be near him. I have diagnosed PTSD as a result of his behaviour which I am getting no sympathy for from work.

i have had help from women's aid. nothing seems to be helping. He is not your straightforward typical abuser. People believe him. He is narcissistic and very clever.

brokenlostcantdoit Thu 30-Jul-15 09:06:37

even the police who cautioned him said he was remorseful.

in his evidence he includes a doctor's letter saying he had depression as a result of an abusive relationship. he went to the doctor 2 days after he was arrested. clearly set up to provide evidence against me but can't prove that.

Baffledmumtoday Thu 30-Jul-15 09:18:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 30-Jul-15 09:24:12

Do you belong to a union? If so, they should be your first port of call in relation to the issues you have at work.

Do you have confidence in your solicitor? If so, don't worry about your ex's 'defence' as it's par for the course for guilty parties to lie through their teeth and persuade others to make statements in support which aren't worth the paper they're written on and it's patently obvious that this isn't a matter of you being as bad as each other, otherwise you'd also have a caution for harassment and possession of a weapon.

Also, please don't worry about 'breaking down'. Should that occur your solicitor can ask for a brief adjournment so that you can compose yourself.

I suspect your ex will come across as cock o'the north which will be in direct contrast to your subdued and anxious/tearful demeanour, Be assured that Courts have seen and heard it all before and are well versed in teasing out the truth from the lies.

Do you have a friend who can accompany you to the Court for moral support and act as additional 'protection' if you should encounter your ex in the corridor/waiting rooms while you are conversing with your solicitor?

If you're tempted to fail to appear at the Court, remember that hundreds of thousands of women have gone through similar ordeals and have emerged victorious and there's no reason to suppose that your outcome will be any different.

flowers for you - and here's a wine to be put on ice to toast your success on Monday.

kittybiscuits Thu 30-Jul-15 09:24:41

I am so sad for you - it's horrendous to watch a manipulator at work and be on the receiving end of his efforts. It has driven me to the edge of my sanity at times. I know you will feel that there is nothing you can do. Please don't forget to calmly log events and generate a factual timeline. I also agree that you need legal advice about the conduct of your employer. Are you looking for another job?

brokenlostcantdoit Thu 30-Jul-15 09:55:40

Yes I am in a union but my union rep is on holiday til end of august. They have been OK but don't have a great deal of sway at work. What no one understands is the psychological impact. I can't see him or I break down.

I'm not able to get another job. I can't say what I do without outing myself but its something very rare. I have one of only 20 full-time jobs in the country. It's very specialised and I'm not trained in anything else.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 30-Jul-15 10:19:59

Make contact with your union branch or head office or their legal advice helpline as a matter of urgency and appraise them of your situation.

Has your solicitor obtained a medical report confirming your diagnosis of PTSD which is directly attributable to your ex's behaviour?

Given your specific work circumstances, what treatment are you receiving that may eventually result in your being able to contemplate sight of your ex without causing anxiety/distress?

Please go to your GP and obtain a short course of beta blockers or tranquilisers as you may not be able to avoid catching sight of your ex in/around the Court building. Although you will be in the same room for the Hearing, you should be able to avert your gaze sufficiently to prevent you 'seeing' him, iyswim, but the sound of his voice may trigger a similar reaction.

Millie3030 Thu 30-Jul-15 10:26:56

What would be the outcome in court if he does lie? If he is an arsehole there is probably little you can do to change it but what will his lies do to you? Is it financial?
You can still keep your job and just avoid him like the plague (easier said than done I'm sure as your job is so specialised) but you will have your DC he can't take them, is it the share of the equity/house that worrying you? I'm Sure your solicitor has seen this before and may be more clued up than you think to deal with men like him, just make sure she knows everything including all your worries.

I don't think if you do break down in court its a bad thing, you are only human. Sending you flowers

goddessofsmallthings Thu 30-Jul-15 10:47:37

It's the full hearing of the OP's ex parte application for a non-molestation order, Millie. Other than her legal costs there is no financial issue at stake, but if the interim injunction is not upheld her ex may see opportunity to taunt or otherwise disturb her at work.

goldierocks Thu 30-Jul-15 11:11:31

flowers
I really feel for you and hope my experience helps.

My abusive ex-husband (of 20 years) was a high-ranking police officer.
On the day he received an award for bravery from the chief constable, he smashed up our house because I did not dress 'sexy' enough for the ceremony. He was/is also an alcoholic, which was kept completely hidden from his employers. I'd also describe him as charming, very clever and completely convincing.

The first 3-4 years of our marriage were the only relatively happy ones; he was emotionally abusive, but as a teenage bride - he was mid-twenties - I had no idea this wasn't normal behaviour. Then he had his first (of many) affairs and the abuse escalated.

I'm from an exceptionally traditional family and did not even contemplate separation or divorce. I would still be married to him now, except he became abusive for the first time ever in front of our child. Something inside snapped and I knew then our child came first and I would never tolerate that behaviour ever again.

I had to call the police that night who were exceptionally shocked; they were coming to deal with their drunken boss. He was removed and charged and an immediate restraining order was granted.

Character reports were used in court - I did not recognise who they were talking about. Likewise, they had no idea about his drink problem and what my ex was like outside work. I didn't think of it as lies - to them he was a great employee/officer. They had no idea what he was like because I'd never reported a single instance of his abuse before. He said no-one would ever believe me if I reported him. He frequently smashed up the house, destroyed both my confidence and my property and threatened to kill my pets.

My ex also had statements from medical professionals, stating he had PTSD through dealing with certain cases at work and citing childhood abuse (which he hadn't told me about).

Courts are not emotional places - they deal with evidence. You have his abusive emails over time which is great; he can't claim his abuse was a single 'moment of madness'.

You/your solicitor could also get personal character references. People you work with are allowed to do this in a private capacity, you don't have to ask the permission of your employer. The only time you would need to do so is if the character statements are on company-headed paper.

Can your G.P. also provide a statement regarding your PTSD and the reason for it?

As your employer is being so unsupportive, you could have a very strong claim for constructive dismissal. Are your legal costs covered by your house insurance? Many people have this cover without knowing. It might be worth investigating? I'd also ask your G.P. if they could sign you off work.

In my case, previous service record and character witnesses counted for little - my ex received a 3-month suspended prison sentence and is permanently blocked from contacting me directly or coming within a specified distance of my home or place of work.

It's not been easy - my ex was SO convincing not even members of my own family believed how serious his abuse had been, never mind his family.

You can deal with this and be a much stronger and happier person as a result. Best of lucksmile

goddessofsmallthings Thu 30-Jul-15 11:56:57

flowers for you Goldierocks - your story is inspirational and your advice is superb. Here's to you and to all brave women wherever they may be wine

Twinklestein Thu 30-Jul-15 12:16:49

If your husband comes across as confident and assured, and you are a mess to the point of breaking down in court, that will support your claim that the abuse was one-sided.

His work colleagues' opinion that the relationship was 'toxic' and 'both as bad as each other' doesn't amount to much, as they won't have seen want went on behind closed doors; and anyway the case is to decide if he's a continuing threat to you, and their view doesn't have any bearing on that.

10 years of abusive emails and texts is good evidence. As is written confirmation of PTSD by a doctor.

If the worst came to the worst and it wasn't granted and he continued to threaten and harass you, you go straight back to the police and contact the www.ncdv.co.uk and get an emergency injunction for free.

Keep going, you're doing really well.

bibliomania Thu 30-Jul-15 14:14:25

goldierocks, thanks for sharing your story.

I also have an ex with a very charming public persona - it's a very common thing. He is currently permitted only supervised access with dd, and the court and social services are being deluged with testimonials from his friends and colleagues (including several ex-social workers) swearing that he is a wonderful father and of course he should have unsupervised time with her. Luckily the social worker is listening to dd herself, to me and to the school - we've all seen a side of him that they never have.

OP, it's hard to listen to misrepresentations about yourself in court. But the hearing isn't a popularity contest. It comes down to (a) was there an anti-harassment order in place and (b) did he breach it. It really doesn't matter if he is Mr Popularity with the rest of the world. The fact that he received a police caution and that you got the injunction shows that you have been believed.

kungfupannda Thu 30-Jul-15 14:22:28

If he's been cautioned, then he must have admitted harassment in police interview. You can't be cautioned without making admissions. This is pretty strong evidence in your favour, and he will find it very difficult to explain it away.

People saying what a great guy he is probably won't hold much water with the court. Particularly not when set against his own confession of harassing you and possessing a weapon!

amarmai Thu 30-Jul-15 14:28:06

Don't take tranks- your emotional shakiness in court will help you. Wonder if he is manipulative enuf to realise this and fake his own emo? Doubt that he could carry it off. Be yourself and the court will see that you are scared of him and would not put yourself thru this trauma unless you had to.Good luck-you'll feel better in the end for having tried than if you wimped out.

bumblebeebboi Thu 30-Jul-15 16:23:30

he is a major manipulator and a world class expert at playing the victim. he has been to his own GP to obtain a letter saying he is depressed as a result of my unfounded allegations. also in his return statement which I have just received it says he does not feel 'emotionally strong enough' to contest the order and hence is trying to get me to accept an undertaking on the basis of no findings being made against him, which I absolutely won't accept.

in his statement he says he could easily provide aggressive text messages sent from me to him and could provide witnesses who have seen the abuse I have allegedly subjected him to. I am really concerned he will just get people to lie for him.

bumblebeebboi Thu 30-Jul-15 16:24:27

sorry OP first message didn't post, just wanted to say i am going through something similar with my ex. am 8 wks preg which doesnt help (luckily not his).

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now