What to do about my DM's dislike of DP

[Nonamer2015]

Hi

Quick summary of situation. I have been separated from my child's father for 17 months (he had an affair and left). I have moved on and am in a relationship with a lovely guy who I get on really well with for the last 14months (we don't live together). My DM has always been close to me and we are in very regular contact and spend afternoons together with my daughter.

DM has taken a dislike to DP (I feel almost jealousy), if I mention we are going for a day out I.e my daughter myself and DP my DM invites herself along and if I don't invite her I am accused of putting DP before her. If I am on a day off my DM expects me to spend with time with her and not DP, if I do I get the cold shoulder. I still make plenty time to spend with her.

Nothing I do is right with regards to spending time with DP. She just doesn't like him and he has given her no reason to feel like that.

I feel like she is not letting him spend time with my dd and I to try and have a bond with her. She doesn't feel it is his place and as he isn't her father shouldn't be getting involved in her life. I feel torn between spending time with my DP and my DM and I just don't know how to tell her I need space and don't want to feel torn like this.

What should I do? Is she right to be acting like this?

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

No she doesn't. She has the privilege of denigrating him, but not the right to play gooseberry.

You need distance from your DM, not least because your DP will run for the hills fairly soon if he has her glowering at him on outings.

[sonjadog]

I think you need to be firmer with her. No, she cannot come on all your days out. Yes, you can spend your free time with your boyfriend. You are an adult and your child's mother. You decide who she spends time with.

Since you split up from your ex, have you reverted to a mother and child relationship with your mother? It sounds like she has forgotten you are an independent adult. Don't ignore her or cut her out, but it sounds like it is time to make it clear that you are living your own independent life.

[Nonamer2015]

Thank you for the replies. I do feel I need to distance myself a little but I don't want to hurt her in the process. However, The last thing I want is for it to drive a wedge between DP and I. I have been open with him about my concerns on this issue.

I guess there was an element of dependence since the split but I have picked myself up and gained far more independence than I thought I would, little things like doing my own DIY as well as financial stability. It's just a way of letting her know I am very grateful for my parents help when I really needed them but I'm good now and just want to get on with my life. But it doesn't seem she is as keen to let go.

It is just how to go about it that doesn't reinforce her thoughts that I am putting him before her. As far as I'm concerned it's not a competition and she should understand that I want to spend time with my DP and dd without her.

[sonjadog]

Have you tried saying that to her? How has she/ do you think she would react?

I guess she enjoys being involved in your life. I'm not sure there is a way to detach without hurting her a bit, but sometimes hurting someone is unavoidable. If she is a sensible woman, she will most likely get over it and get used to the new normal fairly quickly.

I would be firm about what is and is not happening. No arguments or unpleasantness. Just clear boundaries.

I don't have the same situation as you, but I have a mother who would like to be involved and to decide over my life in ways that are unacceptable to me. She has never really accepted that I have grown up and am now an independent person. After a difficult period of adjustment we get on great now. But I did have to put up with sulks and tears and emotional blackmail for a while before she accepted that she no longer made the decisions.

Good luck!

[sonjadog]

Btw, it is natural that you chose your partner over your mother. Don't let her tell you otherwise. That's what adults do. They grow up and form their own families. Their lives do not revolve around their mother. Obviously be sensitive and include her, but if she accuses you of choosing your boyfriend over her, well yes, that is how it is meant to be.

[ollieplimsoles]

Is it possible she is feeling protective over you and dd since your ex treated you badly?

She may not trust this person very much after what happened to you and I think she is just being over protective.

Some clear boundaries are in order I think op, you also don't need to tell her when you go out with your dp and dd, its important that the three of you have time to bond together. If she doesn't know about every outing, she is less likely to feel left out.

Try to distance yourself a little bit from her and change the dynamic of your relationship a little bit.

Glad you are back on your feet and she was there to support you through a difficult time.

[MiddleAgedandConfused]

Is your mum single?

[Floundering]

Stop telling her all your plans too, invite her to some & keep majority for your new family.

Ignore the sulks and she'll come round.