My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

Horrendous situation, please help

267 replies

spaghettihead5 · 29/07/2015 14:20

In recent months and weeks I've realised for definite H is very active during the night, then that he has an ow (he denies it). I gave him divorce petition on Mon.
In the last week I've realised that whereas I thought he was going out in the middle of the night for liaisons, in fact someone unknown to me is coming in to our family home, possibly with their own key. I've heard sexual activity downstairs in the sitting room and in two of the upstairs bedrooms while my children & I sleep in adjoining rooms. OMG. I'm frightened how he would react if I confronted him while DTD but I can hear a woman climax, humping, blow jobs etc almost every night if the past week.
I've talked to a solicitor about urgent next steps, the risk to the children.
I want to make sure that when custody of the children is discussed he will be unable to have them overnight. Can't believe this is happening.
What else do I need to get in place to protect the children and I before I confront him? How to confront him?Do I need evidence apart from my witness testimony on what I've heard because H will say it's such an improbable, outrageous suggestion I have imagined it and maybe I should get my mental health checked out.

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 29/07/2015 14:35

Get advice from your solicitor. However, if an unknown person is entering your house without permission, phone the police.

pocketsaviour · 29/07/2015 14:43

I can hear a woman climax, humping, blow jobs etc almost every night if the past week.

You can hear a blow job?

Mummymoanasaurus · 29/07/2015 14:45

Why have you not confronted him? Are you afraid of him? Or afraid of what you may see? If I thought that was taking place in my home whilst I was sleeping I would be making sure I definitely knew what was happening. As said you could call the police and say you hear intruders, if he was caught in the act by the police he wouldn't be able to harm you or deny it.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 29/07/2015 14:45

Are you hearing him watching porn?

Edenrose206 · 29/07/2015 14:46

What an awful situation!!! Horrifying, spooky and disgusting... Why not phone the police when you next hear "activity" and say that someone has broken into your home and is prowling downstairs? At least if they come to the door, your DH will be caught with his trousers down!!! (Literally.) I think your solicitor needs to know pronto, too. How awful for you; I'm so sorry. I'm sure other posters will be along in a few minutes with lots of very thoughtful suggestions (as opposed to my knee-jerk response to call the cops)!

bgottalent · 29/07/2015 14:48

Why don't you go downstairs to see what's going on? Could it be a porn dvd?

RealityCheque · 29/07/2015 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

gobbynorthernbird · 29/07/2015 14:52

Why do you think that there is a risk to the DC, either in your home or potential overnight contact?

Binit · 29/07/2015 14:52

Film it on an iPhone for evidence.
Apart frm anything else, is he not completely knackered?

bestguess23 · 29/07/2015 14:53

Reality, I'll join you Biscuit

MorrisZapp · 29/07/2015 14:53

Um. You confront him by walking into your own living room next time you hear a blow job being performed there?

gobbynorthernbird · 29/07/2015 14:54

And calling the police is a ridiculous suggestion. If (big if) there is someone in the house, they're there with the full knowledge and permission of a resident.

PotteringAlong · 29/07/2015 14:54

Really? And you've not said anything / been to see what's going on? Really?

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 29/07/2015 14:54

You must have a particularly randy ghost, obviously.

pocketsaviour · 29/07/2015 14:55
PurpleDaisies · 29/07/2015 14:58

Being cheated on is horrible and I can understand why you want to split with your husband.

Are there other reasons why you don't want him to have overnight contact with your children? My dad was an adulterer who treated my mother very badly in that respect but he was still a good dad to me and my sisters.

You need to try and separate your dislike for him from what's best for your kids. That might be no overnight contact but cheating isn't necessarily a reason to do that.

spaghettihead5 · 29/07/2015 14:59

Yes I am afraid of him. Yes I am afraid of what I will see, despite having no feelings for him.
No it is not porn. I also hear furniture being moved, things getting knocked over.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 29/07/2015 15:01

What did he say when you served divorce papers?

spaghettihead5 · 29/07/2015 15:05

To those who scoff, my inability to sleep and my anxiety levels tell me this is no wind-up.

OP posts:
star8369 · 29/07/2015 15:06

can I have a Biscuit too please reality

PotteringAlong · 29/07/2015 15:07

But come on, who listens to someone coming into their house in the middle of the night to have sex with their husband and doesn't go to look or say something?

5hell · 29/07/2015 15:08

surely he would have to be a VERY odd, brazen, brave and stupid man to just bring an OW to your house...what if the DC got up and saw him?!!

I think you need to be sure that what you're hearing is actually another person in the house, and not porn (bad enough), or some live online sex thing (also bad), or next door...our minds can play tricks on us a bit, especially when we're upset or stressed
(not to belittle your worries, but i once thought i could hear my friend having noisy sex, turned out to be a bird outside Blush)

i doubt whatever he's upto is worse than what you're thinking, so go confront him next time you hear it
good luck

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

spaghettihead5 · 29/07/2015 15:09

All your conflicting advice reflects my own uncertainty what to do. I don't believe there's a manual on how to handle this situation.
Please keep your suggestions coming.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 29/07/2015 15:10

As it would appear you are effectively living apart from your h while under the same roof, your relationship with him is effectively that of housemates and, unless you have a calendar pinned up somewhere showing dates/times when either of you will be out of the house and guests are due to visit, you can't be expected to know whether he's in or out at night.

It would therefore seem that you have 2 alternatives to discover the source/cause of the noises which are:

1 Armed with your mobile phone set to camera with the flash off barge into enter the room where the noise is coming from, turn the main source of light on if it's off, and take a quick snap if he's not alone.

  1. Call 999 and say that you fear there may be an intruder in your house.


In both cases you can claim that you woke up in the night and on hearing strange noises feared the worst.

If he is having a clandestine liaison with a woman while you're asleep it could be that she is unaware his dw is slumbering in another room and only a very cool cookie would be unperturbed by the sudden arrival of a dw while she was in flagrante with the husband but, nevertheless, you should be prepared to call the police if you feel in any way threatened by either/both of them.

However, please know that if your suspcions are correct this in itself will not prevent him having his dc overnight after you/he have moved into separate accomodation as adults having sex with each other while children are asleep does not present any risk to the minors.
ButterfliesnWaterfalls · 29/07/2015 15:13

You don't have feelings for him? You don't want to confront him? You're going to allow another woman have sex with your husband in your house?

Shock

I don't understand, is he still living with you despite being served the divorce notice?

Have you actually seen a woman enter your house?

What a bizarre situation!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.