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Husband wants to leave me after 31 years

(42 Posts)
Kimjayone Wed 29-Jul-15 08:17:30

My husband who I have been with for 31 years married for 25 has told me two days ago that he no longer loves me and is wanting a divorce. There was no warning our sex has been regularly and I am completely in shock over this.
His mother passed away 18 months ago and he bacame very depressed.he started a new job and is out with his new circle of friends weekly.which I have been fine with.he stopped kissing,holding hands and hugging a few years ago and I crave affection.he never really has been a affectionate person and just pushes me away im feeling so confused and saddened with this news.I don’t know what to do.
Lynne

NewOrleansGirl Wed 29-Jul-15 08:24:46

Lynne, I am so sorry to hear this. I have no experience of this myself, but tonnes of people on MN do and they will have practical advice for you shortly. Have you tried counselling? Perhaps he hasn't dealt with his grief and maybe there are issues in the marriage that can be talked through? Do you have support in real life? How old are you both? Do you think he has met someone else at his new job?

rumred Wed 29-Jul-15 08:25:03

So sorry to hear your husband is behaving this way. You will be in shock. Have you got friends and family you can tell and get support from ? There's likely another woman around so prepare yourself.
Not being affectionate must have been incredibly hard. At least you know why and that it's not your fault. Sending you very best wishes. Someone will be along with structured useful advice soon

Kimjayone Wed 29-Jul-15 08:28:07

I found out last night from our daughter that her dad had mentioned to her 3 years ago that he was thinking of leaving me and asked her how she felt she was 22 at the time and said it was up to us.never happened and I was totally unaware he felt like this,as there wasn't any signs to me that he wanted out in fact around that time I was telling everyone we where getting on as if we had just met.
He is still living in our home which isnt ideal but we have a mortgage my mother who is 77 and our son who is 22 living here and he is looking for somewhere to rent.I have moved into our spare room and when our 5 year old granddaughter stays I sleep on the couch.like I did last night,my husband told me to share our bed so our granddaughter didn't see something was wrong but I told her this morning his snoring was keeping me awake which amused her.

VivaLeBeaver Wed 29-Jul-15 08:28:57

I'm sorry, I really am.

You do realise it is very, very likely he's having an affair? Women leave relationships if they're unhappy, men leave for someone else. The new circle of friends, going out, lack of affection are all signs.

What should you do?

Practical stuff, photocopy as much evidence as you can of bank statements, any other financial stuff, his payslips, etc. pack his bags and tell him to leave. Get yourself checked out at an std clinic. Find a good divorce solicitor. If you want evidence of whether or not he's having an affair do some shooping, phone messages, emails, etc. but you might never find any proof. Tell your friends and family and let them support you.

Get angry with him and though it will take time realise you will be better off without someone who treats you like this. Don't let him make you feel guilty, he may try to blame you, etc. it is not your fault!

DoreenLethal Wed 29-Jul-15 08:30:12

Get back into your bed and kick him out.

Mumteedum Wed 29-Jul-15 08:30:14

I think you're entitled to understand why. Has he said much?

Do you have a good friend? Get as much support as you can. And see if they'll go with you to find a solicitor. If he is talking divorce already then it might be sensible.

Lots will not charge for an initial meeting but this is really only for you to decide if you think you'll take them on in my opinion. It's not free advice. They'll take basic details and give you an idea of what they'd offer you.

It's v early days though. Be kind to yourself and get as much real life support as possible. It must be an awful shock.

Goodbyemylove Wed 29-Jul-15 08:34:53

The new job and going with a new circle of friends is the bit that rings alarm bells ie other woman or at least a new lifestyle with potential other woman.

It's hard isn't it. But make sure he goes sooner rather than later so as not to prolong the agony.

Kimjayone Wed 29-Jul-15 08:39:13

Thanks for the quick replies.He has never been much of a talker,and I really can't see there being another woman as he has been so depressed over his mothers death we regularly went out together at the weekend that was until last weekend when he dropped this bombshell on me.and I went to a wedding party with our daughter instead.(he was suppose to have gone with me but I never gave him the chance to get changed from his work clothes) and I went to my daughters house whilst she got ready.

Kimjayone Wed 29-Jul-15 08:41:16

And to add I had a great night too.

bberry Wed 29-Jul-15 08:45:09

If he has told you it's over he needs to move out IMO...

It's not your job to hide his decision from your grandchild and lie...

He has made his decision and I think everyone should know and he can answer their questions rather than moving out and leaving you to answer them....which I imagine is his intention!!!

Yes, sounds like he has found a new life and wants to pursue it alone.... Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out....enjoy your new life

Start gathering financial information and see a suction sooner rather than later....

bberry Wed 29-Jul-15 08:46:05

Solicitor... Not suction?

onereminder Wed 29-Jul-15 08:56:08

Hold on what the actual f---?!

No sign of cheating, an honest admission that a marriage is over, and he should be KICKED OUT?

How is that fair in any way?

Goodbyemylove Wed 29-Jul-15 08:58:09

Well what's the alternative?

Op sleeping on the settee?

If he wants the marriage to end, he starts a new life on his own.

VivaLeBeaver Wed 29-Jul-15 08:58:24

Well how is it fair that he gets to tell the OP that the marriage is over but he stays in the house? Fair enough if he's made that decision for whatever reason. But he needs to man up and deal with the consequences of his decision and that means moving out. Not staying in the house, telling her to share the marital bed and generally been a head fuck.

Bubblesinthesummer Wed 29-Jul-15 09:04:15

Actually Viva Many solicitors would actually advice him not to leave the marital home until finances etc are sorted.

man up is an incredibly sexist comment.

Yarp Wed 29-Jul-15 09:04:15

I a so sorry this is happening. I have been with my DH for only a few years less than you and i know I'd be devastated.

I also suspect that he's trying to find a way out of his depression by acting out - including socialising and possibly (probably) having an affair, and this is a catalyst. Also, when close relatives die, sometimes people do re-evaluate their lives and sometimes decide to make changes they have been mulling over for a while

I also think he should be asked to leave. He is the one who has changed. He must face the consequences of his decision.

VivaLeBeaver Wed 29-Jul-15 09:08:02

I'm sure a solicitor would tell him not to leave the marital home. But what's best for him doesn't have to be Kimjayones concern. She can try and get him to leave if she wants to. Of course if he refuses she can't make him.

Mumteedum Wed 29-Jul-15 09:11:24

I think op said he's looking for a flat?

venetiaswirl Wed 29-Jul-15 09:12:11

If HE's made the decision that he wants out of the marriage then HE needs to take the consequences and move out. He can't have his cake and eat it. An honourable person, having delivered such a bombshell, would move out or at the very least, move out of the marital bed.
Dear OP - what a horrible shock. As mentioned upthread, try to be practical and make sure that you have access to copies of all paperwork etc. Don't assume that he'll be reasonable and decent - he may be but the chances are that he won't be and you'll need to protect yourself and your interests.
Wishing you all the best.

pocketsaviour Wed 29-Jul-15 09:29:15

No sign of cheating, an honest admission that a marriage is over, and he should be KICKED OUT?

Nobody said he should be kicked out. OP said he's looking for a flat to rent.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 29-Jul-15 09:49:48

Very sorry that it came out of nowhere as far as you knew, but he has made his announcement so now you have to take him at his word. Of course this means he has to remember now you do what suits you best. This has immediate effects. While staying civil, the old days and ways are gone. Eg he thought it best you still share a bed at least with the child staying in the spare room, but, you made your own mind up and were clever at deflecting granddaughter's questions. He can sleep on the couch the next time.

It must have been strange for DD knowing what she did but her father not following it up with any action. Unbeknown to you he was unhappy way before MIL died. Perhaps the shock of that put him off thinking of such a big life change.

As of now he can manage his own cooking and laundry. You don't have to take him into account with your own timetable or count him in on any treats or excursions. Most importantly see a solicitor with a list of questions - s/he cannot act for you if your husband has consulted them. Obviously you can find out a lot on the Internet but you will want to know where you stand. Gather together details of accounts and pensions, any nest eggs, inheritances.

cozietoesie Wed 29-Jul-15 09:56:28

...This has immediate effects...

Yes indeed.

shovetheholly Wed 29-Jul-15 10:21:02

Oh my goodness, Lynne, what a terrible shock for you.

Please, please tell those around you what is happening, and get as much real life support going as you can. I know it feels very strange to tell others, but having people around you who understand and can help in all kinds of practical and emotional ways is unbelievably helpful.

I would also suggest seeing a counsellor so you have a place to cry and to work out all of the shock with a professional who can see this from a distance. It's much better to put this in place pre-emptively, as it means that you have some hand-holding and some support from a professional already in place when things get tough.

Like others said, I think the advice to start living as independently as you can is good. Baby steps, though - it can be very anxiety-inducing at the start. Have a look on meetup and online for local groups where you can build new friendships around an activity you enjoy or a course you want to do. Learning to do things that you enjoy, instead of basing all your life around someone else, is a bit of a process I found!

NeitherHereOrThere Wed 29-Jul-15 10:31:26

So sorry sad

I would think OW as well and I suspect that it may have started at least 3 years ago. The new friends, new job, mother's death, lack of affection etc are all red flags.

Sadly the only thing you can do is to let him go and start rebuilding your life and making sure you will be protected financially.

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