Anyone got parents like mine !

[yoda]

Morning all,

This may seem quite trivial compared to some of the other posts, but it is giving me quite a bit of grief and would appreciate some thoughts.

I seem to find that my parents are quite intrusive and feel that they are too 'in' with my life. It's hard to explain but they keep buying things that we don't really want, and wanting to do everything with their grandson. For example, my ds first day of nursery - they phone the night before to say that they are coming over to come and meet him, regardless that my dh would have liked to do that or that it's a grandparents right to buy his first bike - which they then wanted to buy secondhand

This is so hard to explain as it is nothing major that I could get really riled at, it is just little things that they ask nicely to do, but it puts me in the position of not really being able to say no as it would hurt their feelings, but i end up feeling bad, my dh feels uncomfortable and we know have stopped telling them things that we are doing, 'cos I don't want to have to face a confrontation....ie, my ds first nativity play. My dh and I want to see this together, but if i told my parents they would invite themselves along. It's such a shame as we won't even be able to show them the video, as they will make it plain that we have hurt them by excluding them.

The last straw has been that I have been informed that they are buying us a big tv for xmas, but we don't need one, we have a perfectly good one already We had mentioned that in the future we would like to get a big one, but not yet. So my dad tells me that a certain store has the television for us and that we will be happy with it, even though i have made it quite clear that it isn't what we were looking for. I just got told that it was a present and that we would be happy with it What do i do?

I know they mean well and have the money to do this, but i wish they wouldn't. Unfortunately, a lot of this is to do with them not speaking to my brother and his family. A huge row, not all my parents fault, that has completely crushed them. I feel very sorry for them, but the 'love' we are now receiving is suffocating. Any thoughts ? I really don't want to hurt or offend them, but I am 36 and I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to spend time with only my family, they visit weekly for the day.

thanks

[theUrbanDryad]

hmm...the only thing i can really suggest is that you, tactfully, talk to them. explain that you're feeling a bit stifled and that you'd like a bit of space. they're not mind readers, so they can't be expected to just know how you're feeling. i think any grandparent would be upset at missing their (only?) grandchild's nativity play - was there a specific reason why you didn't want them there?

as for the tv - there's a very simple solution there...either sell your old one, or take the new one back to the store, explain that it was an unwanted gift and get the money. failing that, again i suggest you talk to your parents and tell them it wasn't what you wanted.

good luck!

[Starrmum]

Let them buy you gifts - I can't see why you're not happy about that!

Otherwise, you definitely need to talk to them about needing more space and privacy. However, it is a difficult one because it is their grandchild and they can be entirely forgiven for wanting to spend time with him.

Perhaps you need to create a bit more distance and keep your schedules/diaries more private as well.

but do talk to them - especially if there's already been a row between your brother and them - but be diplomatic (although clear and firm)

Good luck!

[taylormama]

it is hard to set boundaries isn't it. It isn't trival anyway if it upsets you. I currently have two of DS's grandparents wanting to buy him his first pair of shoes (he is 5 months BTW!!!)and i have said to them both that they can! I understand that GPs want to be part of their grandchildren's lives but be firm. It is a shame that they fell out with your brother and his family - could they be overcompensating a tiny bit and showering you and your family with their time and gifts etc? They may not even realise they are doing anything "wrong"....

[Bozza]

I think you can show them the video. Just say that there were only two tickets per child. That is the case for my DS anyway. I can't even take DD which is a bit of a logistical nightmare because all my potential babysitters will also be going! Family two far away for a couple of hours midweek.

[yoda]

Hi,

Thanks for all your replies. Yes, i do agree that they are overcompensating and not really knowing that it is bothering us.

Returning the gift isn't really an option, as they visit every week and often question where previous toys/gifts have gone.

I talked to my mum this morning and explained as tactfully as i could that it was too much of a present and not what we would have bought - and she agreed with me unfortunately she has also tried telling my dad without much success.

Anyway i have had a phonecall this afternoon with my mum in tears after talking to my dad again. I feel absolutely crap that i have upset my parents but angry that i am feeling this way over something i didn't want or ask for in the first place !

As for the nativity play, virtually all of my ds milestones/firsts have been 'shared' by my parents, and i just want to do some things by ourselves.
thanks

[yoda]

Hi,

Thanks for all your replies. Yes, i do agree that they are overcompensating and not really knowing that it is bothering us.

Returning the gift isn't really an option, as they visit every week and often question where previous toys/gifts have gone.

I talked to my mum this morning and explained as tactfully as i could that it was too much of a present and not what we would have bought - and she agreed with me unfortunately she has also tried telling my dad without much success.

Anyway i have had a phonecall this afternoon with my mum in tears after talking to my dad again. I feel absolutely crap that i have upset my parents but angry that i am feeling this way over something i didn't want or ask for in the first place !

As for the nativity play, virtually all of my ds milestones/firsts have been 'shared' by my parents, and i just want to do some things by ourselves.
thanks

[nogoes]

My inlaws are exactly like this. I think the only way around it is to be firm we have had to do this it does create a bit of an atmosphere but at least it means you get some time to yourselves.

[joelallie]

Well I think that the nativity play is simple enough - there are 2 tickets - perhaps they would like to tell you which one of his parents can't go because his grandparents want to! I don't think anyone would see that as unreasonable. Tell them you'll show them the video. Can't you talk to your dad directly. If there is something else you want perhaps you could ask him for that instead.

I can see that your parents are compensating for their lack of contact with your brother, but do you think you are also doing the same? I do sympathise as I spent years feeling bad about my parents - worrying I was excluding them when I was just living a normal adult life. It's not your job to make it up to your parents for the lack of your brother.

[lupo]

I think you are really lucky to have parents like this. they sound loving and genrous, mine are exactely the same and I love it when we all share ds firsts together. they love him as much as we do, so why shouldnt they be able to enjoy him, i think you are being a little selfish here, you should count yourself lucky that they take such an interest.

[22ann]

i agree about with the others re navtivity play, he is your son and of course you & your husband want to see him without the gp's. it's nice they want to be involved but you do need space as a family and you have every right to want it and have it. we see gps every three weeks now, it was every week/fortnight and my dh & i can actually breathe now - first gc on both sides.

maybe you could get a catalogue and circle what you would like off your parents for xmas?

hope you resolve things quickly

[WinkyWinkola]

I think you deserve to choose when and where your parents are involved in your life and in your child's life. You're not being selfish one bit. It's normal and natural as an independent adult and parent to be decide things like that for yourself.

Your parents are adults - you're not being mean and it sounds like they're hyper sensitive which is something that is their problem, not yours. Don't be manipulated.

Why did they fall out with your brother? Something similar as the problem you're having?

[ladyfish]

I am quite new to this conversation; it seems to me that you need to speak to BOTH your parents, not just your mum. I wonder whether there is a bit of competition between them and whether your mum is more ready to forgive your brother than your dad? as far as the play is concerned, if you can all go i would not make an issue of it, but make up your mind to speak to them and explain it is all a bit too much, what with having them a whole day each week and THEN SOME. think of a scenario in the future (should be plenty over Christmas) and put your foot down, lovingly but firmly. they must accept that you are now a separate family unit and a BIG GIRL, dads can find that hard to accept. best of luck

[Ally90]

I get what your saying!

My family were smothering.

EG Before our house was on market we went to see another one. I happened to mention it. My mum and dad drove 20 miles out of their way to go and look at the outside...then went home, got out the books on the local area and when they rang that evening told me that the walls were too thin, the ceiling would let in the cold too, it was overshadowed and that it was possibly haunted as it was built on the grounds of a monastry.

EG Offering to come and wash my kitchen cupboard doors. I know sweet and helpful but I'm a big girl now

EG buying lots of presents ie garlic chopping board (why???), cheap dips tray (why? I don't entertain), second hand goods galore, each time I said no to anything my mother would put on a pouty face like a small child then try to tell me what I was missing and why I should have it etc whinging went on for ages afterwards.

EG unwanted advice, ie obvious things such as checking the bath water before putting my baby in. And cutting my hair (i was still pregnant) because babies pull it.

Anyway, I can only sympathise with you. Its hard. However I agree with Winkywokola...They are adults, stop putting their feelings above yours. If you carry on down this road where will you end up? Resenting them? Angry with them? Do you really want to carry that round with you? Tell them in a gentle but firm way as possible, reassuring them you do love them...and then let them react in whatever way they choose. If they act adult, you have great parents...if they don't...well at least you've said your piece and can refer back to it...and it may help you feel more in control of the smothering...

Good luck!!

xxx