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Porn

(61 Posts)
CryingMummy Tue 28-Jul-15 15:39:28

Two days ago, I discovered that DH, who works away a lot, had been regularly using porn. He has also admitted to having "crushes" on people. He says he started the porn use because there wasn't much sex and both denies that is has contributed to less sex (the admission came when I challenged him as to why he didn't seem to want me anymore) and that there is anything wrong with it. In trying to reassure me, he said he "only" watched "ordinary" women pleasuring themselves. He has also watched women with other women. I am not certain of the exact span (he says about once a week for "years"), but, during this time, I have been bringing-up our children and having high-risk pregnancies then beast-feeding.

I feel very strongly about porn. We were both very innocent when we married and I find it hard to realise how many other naked women touching themselves he has now seen. I also wonder how, as a father of daughters, he can use it.

I don't recognise him. I feel ridiculous. I don't trust him. Unless I mis-understood, it was lack of opportunity (he says he is socially awkward) rather than principles which have meant he hasn't slept with anyone else and he, very bitterly, said he had been "good". My marriage vows are so important to me and, though life has been busy and tough, I thought we could get through stuff together. He hasn't explicitly said that he thinks me a prude, but, when I asked why he didn't ask me to do something he said, surprised "But you wouldn't do that". I said, part from anal, which he doesn't want, anyway, and sending explicit photos (due to security concerns) I was willing to try anything.

I am very upset,so much the children are worried. I have confided in a couple friends in real life, but I feel adrift.

Jan45 Tue 28-Jul-15 15:49:45

Problem with porn use is, men sometimes get into it due to lack of sex with their partner, then it escalates and can actually cause a wedge between the two of you and the desire.

Surely his marriage to you is more important than watching dirty films, it's pretty insulting if not and if he is giving you that impression then you maybe need to evaluate the whole relationship.

He should be investing his sexuality into you not a screen.

What do you think yourself about where you go from here?

hellsbellsmelons Tue 28-Jul-15 15:56:55

The main question is, Is his porn watching a deal breaker for you???
Don't think about anyone else. It's very acceptable for some but not for others and you know where your line is.
Can you move on from this WITH him?
If you can't decide then you can ask him to step away from the relationship to give you a bit of time to think things through without him in your space or your head.
This is YOUR call though.

Offred Tue 28-Jul-15 16:02:37

He sounds like a classically insecure person who has become wrapped up in indulging his own self pity and therefore decided he is entitled to use other people to ameliorate his insecurity without considering how they might feel about that as people. I can see why you would be upset if you have approached this relationship as an emotionally healthy adult believing that you were entering a relationship with another adult.

Ahemily Tue 28-Jul-15 16:10:53

Very well said, offred.

Hope you're okay, OP.

CryingMummy Tue 28-Jul-15 16:13:51

Jan, I think that is what has happened, re: the wedge. He started a different contract about 18 months ago, and so is away four not three nights so the time we have together is even more pressurised.

I am not yet convinced he desperately wants to stay.

hells I want to work through this. I am saddened, deeply saddened, but I don't think it irretrievable and I am willing to work at it,but I need to know he is, too.

Offred, I am wondering that, too, but I am not sure how masturbating to videos (he says there has been nothing interactive) provides reassurance and validation.

RealityCheque Tue 28-Jul-15 16:21:21

You will not (generally) get sensible, mature and balanced views about porn on mumsnet. The majority of men watch it (including my partner). I watch with them also frequently.

For some reason, the mn porn view does not in anyway mirror real life, in my experience.

Jan45 Tue 28-Jul-15 16:24:46

I think you can safely say, as Mumsnet is a free for all, no discrimination is made on your sexual preferences, most of the views on MS are real life.

I don't know how anyone can proclaim most men watch it with no evidence whatsoever, yes some do, some don't.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 28-Jul-15 16:29:55

Who's view hasn't been 'balanced'?
I can't see anything other than general support.

CryingMummy Tue 28-Jul-15 16:31:16

TBH, what matters to me at the moment is my Husband has been watching it (knowing what I feel about it), lying about it, not wanting to have sex wih me, not really wanting to talk about it and seeming a little half-hearted about where we go from here. Vows I thought were a fundamental bedrock in our mutual life seem negotiable and, as I said at first, I feel adrift, I still have the children to care for and make Summer for and I am wary of questioning him too much and pushing a greater wedge between us.

CryingMummy Tue 28-Jul-15 16:32:25

Forgot to add all the usual caveats: I read a lot, post a bit but I changed my name because I am, quite honestly, ashamed.

Chipshopninja Tue 28-Jul-15 16:33:44

My OH watches porn, I probably watch it more than him!

But the issue here is that you are strongly against it, and your husband presumably knows this and has been doing it anyway.

If it's causing problems in your relationship and the amount of intimacy you get together, then it's an issue which needs to be addressed

Jan45 Tue 28-Jul-15 16:37:52

Admittedly porn is far easier to access now with the internet, it's everywhere unfortunately. That doesn't mean it's a human need; it's a human want, nothing more.

When porn is affecting your ability to invest in your own relationship then it's a real issue. I am also concerned about your OHs attitude towards you, he doesn't sound like someone who is part of a team, he has his own secret way of getting his rocks off that doesn't involve you - fine if you are A ok with it, you're not and you're not alone OP.

As for inferring you are a prude, really, what a cheek to put you down when he is the one who has the problem.

Time for a serious discussion, good luck.

TokenGinger Tue 28-Jul-15 16:46:35

I think the question you need to ask yourself is why you dislike porn so much, and go from there when deciding whether it's a deal breaker or not.

Personally, I couldn't care less if my DP watches porn when jacking off. We actually discuss it together - "The woman did this and it just pushed me over the edge." We watch it together too. But I'm very satisfied with my sex life and therefore do not view it as a replacement of me; it just enhances his own play time when I'm not there; the same for me.

Do you dislike it so much because you're not having sex enough? Do you feel replaced?

Porn is very normal and I can't work out why so many women on mumsnet consider ending their relationships because of it.

Jan45 Tue 28-Jul-15 16:58:45

The OP has already said, he doesn't want sex with her, doesn't want to discuss it and doesn't seem concerned about her own personal feelings about it, not really actions of a partner who is wanting to compromise or even fix things, he sounds detached completely.

I don't think porn is normal, I think it's one of the main contributors of a damaged society and I feel sorry for kids growing up with that shoved in their faces every time they turn on the net.

I can't work out how a man can put a sexual video before his relationship, unless of course he really does have a problem.

We are all different, we all have different levels of acceptability, we like, we don't like.......

I would hate my partner describing to me how some woman on a video got him over the edge....but each to their own.

CryingMummy Tue 28-Jul-15 16:59:07

I am not, at this moment, considering ending my relationship over his porn use, but it has come as an undeniable shock. I dislike it because of him looking at other naked women and finding them attractive enough to come to. I dislike I because I am not involved and because I feel I am being denied sex that I would like. I dislike the fact he has lied about it for years. I dislike it because I thought we felt the same about it and that is something else he lied about. I find it disrespectful of me and our marriage, I find it incomprehensible in the light of having daughters (as one never truly knows why women are involved) and I find it voyeuristic and feel like I have been cheated on.

CryingMummy Tue 28-Jul-15 17:00:30

X-post, Jan.

RealityCheque Tue 28-Jul-15 17:01:42

"I can't work out why so many women on mumsnet consider ending their relationships because of it."

This is the sad bit.

It is the accepted response on here - "LTB", " no respect", "abuse" etc etc. It's ALL bollocks. The porn haters whip up a sense of fury that it isnt normal and the user should be condemned and left.

All the posters (such as Jan) who believe that porn use is in the minority are burying their heads in the sand. It isn't. What IS happening is that you make your views so plain that people you know (almost certainly including your partners) lie about it and hide the usage.

I see this regularly in my professional capacity. Pushing it underground and denying its use is of no help.

Joysmum Tue 28-Jul-15 17:05:58

This isn't an abstract discussion on the rights and wrongs of porn, this is about advising the OP to think carefully about what her boundaries are, and what the consequences of those boundaries being broken are.

The OP is perfectly entitled to set her own boundaries as she sees fit and her DH is perfectly at libity to reject them.

What isn't acceptable in any relationship is lying angry

Whilst I'm ok with selected porn, I won't stand for lying.

Jan45 Tue 28-Jul-15 17:08:07

Nobody has said LTB Reality Check....so not sure where you are getting that from.

Porn haters, sorry, I don't love porn, I must be abnormal lol.

Never said it was the minority either, I said some men watch it, some don't.

Of course porn is used, it's available and it's normally free, that's not what we are discussing here.

OP, I completely understand your latest post and you are 100% entitled to have that view, I would too.

I've had 3 long term relationships in my life, currently still in my 3rd and I can categorically state that porn was never an issue in any of them, I've always had a healthy and regular sex life..........so there you go, I think I'm no prude nor am I abnormal.

CryingMummy Tue 28-Jul-15 17:24:22

If I were to summarise my problems succinctly, I would say:
1. the lying;
2. the disillusionment with my Husband and his disengagement;
2. the intrusion of other, naked people into my marriage;
3. the lack of sex for me.

Jan45 Tue 28-Jul-15 17:27:04

All valid and logical imo OP.

Joysmum Tue 28-Jul-15 17:41:31

I don't blame you OP. I'd feel the same as you if my DH lied to me about anything and my sex life was unfulfilling.

I'd be particularly hurt by him having crushes on others and not even seeking to talk through problems, just seeking titilation elsewhere. How the hell can you fix something if you won't discuss it.

gildedcage Tue 28-Jul-15 17:43:41

It isn't for anyone of us to set boundaries for the OP. She hates the fact that her dh uses porn. And I for one totally understand that. If it doesn't bother you then that's your lookout.

I don't think it's the porn per se that damages the relationship its the effects. When I was in this position I felt betrayed. Our sex life hadn't been affected by it when I found out but I thought my dh could have been honest with me about it. It feels like a massive lie between you that can't be wished away. Once you know you can't unknow.

I can only say let him know exactly how you feel. Your feelings are totally valid and don't allow him to deminish them. Ultimately however your dh is a grown man and you cannot police him. Only you can decide whether you can stay with him if he decides not to respect your feelings.

gildedcage Tue 28-Jul-15 17:46:53

And for the record that's not a LTB rather dh has choices but so do you.

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