DH wants to kick DD out

[pleasegivemeadvice]

I don't know what to do. My DH wants to kick our DD(16) out.

They have had a difficult relationship for a couple of years and he has said previously that he wants her out to both her and me. To me this is not going to happen which I have said repeatedly.

Last week there was an argument and he ended up locking her out telling her not to come back and then going to bed. I stayed up, unlocked the door and tried to find her but I couldn't. Eventually received text from her saying she was staying at someone's house. Next morning he left for work before I was up and then went straight away for the weekend. He didn't get in touch to see if she was ok.

When he got back I was angry with him and asked why he didn't get in touch. He said he thought she was back and he wanted her out anyway. I haven't spoken to him since. I have heard him telling her this week that he doesnt want her here or to leave.

I don't know where to go from here. We also have another DD(11) who adores him but this situation can't continue. Apart from this I would have said that we had a good relationship. I am fairly sure that he won't leave so it would be me that has to leave with the girls and this would cause my youngest DD a lot of distress.

DD's behaviour, whilst challenging at times, in my opinion is not that bad although they do wind each other up.

Also it is his birthday today and I'm feeling bad that he's spent it not being spoken to.

Apologies for the length of this but I just want some advice.

[sakura]

Choose your daughter is the only advice I can come up with.
Sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds hard.

[cozietoesie]

How is her behaviour 'challenging' ?

[FantasticButtocks]

Is he her actual father ? Where does he think she should go?

[FenellaFellorick]

where does he think his 16 year old daugher would live? On the streets? Or does he not care?

And he'd be ok with her homeless, right? With her vulnerable on the streets? With what could happen to her? And that wouldn't be his problem, right?

I'd choose her.

Someone who would try throw my 16 year old child onto the streets is not someone I could love or respect and I sure as shit would not choose him over her.

[gamerchick]

I'm also wondering what she does is bad enough to be shown the door.

If she was constantly smashing the house up or attacking family members then I would understand.

[wickedwaterwitch]

Of course you shouldn't leave! He's being unreasonable - kicking her out isn't the answer to challenging teenage behaviour.

This book is very useful on the subject

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/25/secrets-of-the-teenage-brain

[YouMakeMyDreams]

You're saying your other dd would be devastated but this could so easily be her in another few years when the teenage years kick in. He is damaging your dd. Could you really stay with him favouring one dd who may not be flavour of the week either shortly while he kicks her out?
Choose your daughter.

[Fairylea]

What on earth has led up to this? All sounds very extreme.

I can't ever imagine locking my 16 year old out to stay on the streets....! Choose your dd.

[FantasticButtocks]

Surely, you and he should make joint decisions about your dd. Does he usually not discuss important things with you? Why does he think he can throw his weight around like this and just tell dd he wants her out?

[Floundering]

Regardless of what she is done she is your child, & any man that makes you choose has helped you decide kick HIM out.

[pleasegivemeadvice]

In answer to how her behaviour is challenging it's difficult to explain. 90% of the time she is lovely but sometimes if she doesn't get her own way she gets angry and then she will do things like flick light switches on and off (which can go on for hours) or repeatedly turn the tv off if we're trying to watch it. She also throws things and pushes furniture over. But to be honest when DH is not there it tends not to happen. This sort of behaviour only happens about once a month.

[jelliebelly]

What on earth has just done that deserves living on the streets??

[gamerchick]

PMT part of the month?

[Fairylea]

Goodness me if he can't cope with a difficult - but normal ish- teen I dread to think how he'd cope in our family (pre teen stroppy dd and a 3 year old with severe autism). He needs to grow up himself. Your poor dd. No wonder she mostly behaves like it when he's there! He sounds like a bully.

[jelliebelly]

Sorry cross posted that behaviour sounds like the kind of thing an attention seeking toddler would do - how do you handle the behaviour at the time? She must feel utterly worthless if her dad doesn't want her

[spanky2]

Once a month sounds like pmt. she's a child. He needs to get a grip and sort out some anger management for himself. His behaviour would be a deal breaker for me. It's disgusting. Choose your dd.

[SleepShake]

Has something happened between them? Have you asked her why her dad upsets her so much? There more likely is some history.

[Cynara]

Very different circumstances, but when my siblings and I were growing up my mother chose my father over us. We don't talk to him and have very strained relationships with her, although as siblings we are close to each other. My mother is distraught and remorseful but she can't undo the damage.

Choose your daughter. Can you imagine living with a damaged relationship with her for the rest of your life if you don't?

[dickiedavisthunderthighs]

She's a child with raging, confusing hormones. I'm 40 now but I remember those days like they were yesterday. My parents would never pretend to understand a lot of my behaviour but they loved me throughout. If you don't want lasting damage to your DD you need to tell him to leave.

[juneau]

She flicks light switches on and off for hours? Ditto the TV? And what do you do when she does that? It sounds infuriating to me, but the two of you don't sound like particularly effective parents if you can't deal with what sounds like a fairly pathetic attempt at teenage rebellion, tbh. I thought you were going to say she was out all night with boys doing drugs or something. I think you need parenting advice, more than anything, so you can deal with her irritating behaviour appropriately, rather than falling out with one another and your DH stomping around and either threatening to leave, or threatening to chuck your DD out.

[FenellaFellorick]

good grief, once a month she's a bit of a tit (and yes, could well be pms!) and certainly sounds like it's to do with him, if it is apparently directed at him and doesn't happen when he's not there and for this her own father wants to throw her out onto the street when we all know the likely outcomes for homeless teenage girls?

[pleasegivemeadvice]

Thanks for all the answers, I really appreciate you all taking the time to answer, I was planning to leave but I wanted to confirm that I was doing the right thing. My question now is probably stupid but how do I do it, I'm fairly sure he won't leave the house.

He might even want to keep my youngest with him and I couldn't cope with that, like a PP said she could behave like this in a few years.

[wickedwaterwitch]

Sounds like attention seeking to me - they're like toddlers in adult bodies, teenagers. And yes I'd think pmt too.