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Relationships

Is this usual in relationships?

105 replies

JaneLouiseT · 25/07/2015 04:34

I love my husband dearly and most of the time feel very lucky we are together. But we do have some issues at times and very different outlooks on some things. My husband is a personal trainer and has an amazing physique. But he expects a lot from me and I know he is disappointed about how I look, even though I only had our daughter 3 months ago. I am slim and everyone else thinks I look amazing considering having the baby but I know my stomach isn't good and I am not toned as not been to the gym since before the latter stages of my pregnancy. I do want to look better as I don't feel good, but it is hard to find the time right now and I have no one to look after the baby so I can't go to the gym (can't rely on husband to do it as he works varying hours). So I told him I want to work out at home and he is buying some equipment for me, which is all good.

The biggest issue I have with my husband is he thinks he has to have a drink before we have sex. Which would be ok, I don't care for drinking myself but would tolerate it if he only had a few. He cannot control it and nearly always gets drunk. When he is drunk he gets more judgmental and nearly always has some comment to make about me or my body. I've told him loads of times how much I hate this and how it makes me feel and he still does it. I can't enjoy sex anymore if he has a drink and sex was and is really important to both of us. I tell him all the time and we often argue and end up not having sex at all. I know he is wrong in all this, I just want so much for us to be ok because in other ways he is the best husband and dad and I love him so much.

The main reason I am posting on here is to get some perspective about how sex is in other relationships. Tonight we ended up not having sex because I refused to put make up on. I ended up putting some eyeliner and lip stick on but this isn't enough for him so he started shouting at me and telling me if I love him I should do this for him. He know I am not skilled at putting on make-up, I know I need to learn this because other women seem to be able to make themselves look amazing and I just don't know how. This had never been important to me before I met him, I was 38 years old when I left my ex husband and all that time he has never cared too much about how little effort I made with myself. Some of it was about lack of knowledge or ability to apply good makeup, some was about confidence. But in some ways I feel I am confident because I believe I look ok as I am, I only thought I needed a lot of makeup if it is a special occasion. I got my makeup done for my wedding and felt amazing and he loved that.

I keep going off because there is so much to say to try and give a full picture. My main things I want to know is about sex... My husband has always had a routine about sex since we met, and that is fine. There is occasional spontaneous sex but usually We both shower and take care of ourselves, this means shaving etc and making ourselves presentable. For me after the shower he would then like me to be dressed in nice underwear, stockings/heels is a bonus for him, nice perfume, and full make-up. He complains when I do wear makeup it is not enough.i just think that last night it was 11:30pm before we had both showered etc and I dressed for him in hold up stockings and black lace g string. I put body lotion on in the perfume he likes on me. As soon as I came out of the bathroom he said to me am I going to put makeup on? And I said no because he always tells me I can't do it right anyway so what was the point? But as I said I relented and did a little makeup. I would have done more but it was obvious that between me going to the shower and coming out he had had a lot more to drink, which makes me not want to bother. He is not critical of me when he is sober since I told him about it. When I came back to the bedroom with my minimal makeup he just ranted at me about how I should do it better, I should know how to do it because I am 40 and 14 year old girls know how to do makeup better than me (I know this but it doesn't help me).

I told him I believe that most men would not be so demanding as he is but he said that every other woman he has been with, and it is quite a few, has always known how to make herself look good. Part of me wants to please him so much and if I knew how to apply good makeup like he wants I would do it. But part of me thinks he should appreciate me for who I am and how I am without it. I do have an issue because I feel inferior to him because of how he looks, I know he could easily find someone else who would want him. But I never fell in love with him for his body either, I am not like that, I never lusted after fit men. I just fell in love with him for who he was and his eyes and his smile and his laugh. I just wish he would appreciate the good qualities in me more, I am caring and kind and a good mum to our daughter and his step-daughter when she stays. But then sometimes I feel I am the frumpy wife and wish I could be different for myself as well as him. Deep down I know he loves me because I am different to what he is used to, but sometimes I know he thinks we are too different. I am so close to telling him to find someone else if I am not good enough for him. I always tell him how much I love him and try to make him feel special and good about himself.

I Don't have experience with men, my ex hardly wanted sex at all, hardly paid any attention to me. Do other men expect the things my husband expects? Do some men anyway? Considering we have our baby I hardly ever say no to sex because I do have a good sex drive and I enjoy it, 3 times a week is usual for us, I think most men would feel happy with that and lucky to have me, makeup or not, sexy underwear or not. Am I right?

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nooka · 25/07/2015 04:45

Yes of course you are right! It sounds like your husband has significant problems about sex, and I would suspect that it's porn related. Possibly steriod use too as it's very common in the fitness world (my dh was a body builder for a while).

Sex isn't supposed to be a performance in a relationship. Sure sometimes it's fun to dress up, but most couples have sex for intimacy, to show their love for each other.

Plus if you don't want to wear make up then why on earth should you? I've never worn make up and have had sex with my dh many many times! Not that we haven't had issues, but not matching his personal standards wasn't one of them.

I also think that most men would not be having very much sex if their partner only had a baby three months ago. He should be feeling grateful, not put upon because you aren't making sufficient 'effort' for him. Plus making love to someone who is drunk can't be that great for you. How much effort does he make to make you feel good btw? Is it all about you doing stuff for him or is it reciprocal?