Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Concerned about DP's lack of social skills

(91 Posts)
Moominmamma86 Wed 22-Jul-15 22:12:48

My partner is a very kind, sweet man. I knew when I met him he was a bit unusual but we connected really well and despite the odd bump we're here several years later with a child, but I'm both concerned and frustrated by his lack of ability in social situations, whether it's with my family or friends or people we've just met, a lot of the time he just can't cope. He'll say odd things, his body language is unfriendly, he doesn't smile or do "small talk"/ ask questions. At times it can be so embarrassing and I worry we'll never have friends as a couple because I'll always be worried about introducing him, or they'll just think he's weird.
I've thought on occasion that he may even have undiagnosed aspergers syndrome but that's probably not it. He's definitely a bit different though! And I know he can't really help it but it gets me down, I feel so tense whenever we have to do anything socially and part of me thinks he needs to just make the effort to learn a few social skills instead of ducking out the way he always has. I don't want my friends and family thinking he's not worth getting to know!
Has anyone else been in this situation and is there anything I can do? Do I just need to learn to be ok with it?

Moominmamma86 Wed 22-Jul-15 22:15:30

I should say, I think at times he comes across as pretty rude as well and possibly makes people feel uncomfortable, not just me if you see what I mean.

ancientbuchanan Wed 22-Jul-15 22:17:44

Going to pm you.

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel Wed 22-Jul-15 22:28:48

Sounds like my DH there.

I dont bother with him and just dont bother with socialising together. Id rather we did, but I dont know what else to do. I socialise myself and leave him with the DCs. I often see and hear about other couples doing things together in groups and wish DH would want to do that, but he just doesn't.

Sorry Im not much help, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only person in this position.

crustsaway Wed 22-Jul-15 22:34:56

Im not being mean here but you took him on as is didnt you.

This is several years later so I don't understand why you've just cottoned on?

Euphemia Wed 22-Jul-15 22:45:33

I've been with DH for 20+ years and we've never had "friends as a couple", socialised in a group or had people round for dinner (other than individual friends of his/mine).

It's just the way he is. It's not a big deal. He's my best friend and strongest advocate, and he comes through for things like family weddings or funerals.

Moominmamma86 Wed 22-Jul-15 22:46:33

I haven't just cottoned on, it's always worried me.

newnamesamegame Wed 22-Jul-15 22:47:10

Is he making an effort and a bit awkward or is he actually not bothering or actively hostile with people?

If its the former I think generally people will realise that social stuff isn't his forte and cut him a bit of slack. If the latter I think you need to take a long hard look at your future. Give and take with someone's friends and family is part of the deal. Not all the time, but you do need to be able to show willing.

crustsaway Wed 22-Jul-15 22:55:36

Then why did you progress and have a child with him then if its always bothered you? very strange.

Squeegle Wed 22-Jul-15 22:58:48

crustsaway, did you mean to be so rude? I have seen you on several threads, you may help people more if you work at empathy rather than outright aggression

crustsaway Wed 22-Jul-15 22:58:57

Most people don't change, did you think he would?

crustsaway Wed 22-Jul-15 23:02:17

Im not at all aggressive thank you squeegle. Im honest and asking why a person would think someone would change. I don't beat about the bush and post accordingly. I am not rude.

Moominmamma86 Wed 22-Jul-15 23:02:22

Oh for goodness sake, crustsaway if you've just come on here to be judgemental then please go away. People do things for sometimes complex reasons! Is that a struggle for you to understand? Very strange.
I didn't ask you to criticise my choices, just for some friendly advice.
angry

saintlyjimjams Wed 22-Jul-15 23:02:36

Socialise without him.

Does he have his own friends or only your/couple friends. If he has his own friends socialise with them as a couple & yours alone.

Or socialise in places like the cinema. Does he just hate certain types of gathering? If so bin those & try others!

Moominmamma86 Wed 22-Jul-15 23:04:42

Btw "I don't beat about the bush" is a classic way of justifying rudeness and lack of compassion. Can I take a wild guess that you don't suffer fools gladly either?

Moominmamma86 Wed 22-Jul-15 23:05:45

Thanks for the advice and kind replies from others of you btw blush. Focusing on the wrong things here!

Squeegle Wed 22-Jul-15 23:05:50

Obviously crusty, your own perception of how rude you are may not be shared universally.

Hint: if someone asks for support don't go in at them going "didn't you think of this before?". It is about as helpful as someone saying "I told you so".

crustsaway Wed 22-Jul-15 23:06:33

Im not being judgemental Im asking a very valid question. Im asking whether you thought he would change. Im thinking you just dont want to be with him anymore. Thats ok too. Be honest.

Squeegle Wed 22-Jul-15 23:07:45

Fwiw OP, I think it's worth you taking the advice of the others. If he doesn't want to socialise don't make him. Does he have his own friends?

crustsaway Wed 22-Jul-15 23:09:08

It goes like this...

I met my partner a while ago, he was socially awkward.

He hasn't changed but I no longer really want to deal with this.

Now that's honest.

Moominmamma86 Wed 22-Jul-15 23:12:43

He does have some friends, he tends to be a bit of a loner but colleagues at work who get to know him over time do like him and he socialises a bit - just not often with me as I'm usually looking after ds those evenings. I think certain people warm to him, but people who are more conventional do not. And in any group setting if he doesn't know everyone really well he'll tend to be pretty unfriendly.

CatsandCrumble Wed 22-Jul-15 23:13:44

I would say that you do need to keep socialising with him. Otherwise he may just get more awkward and you will lead separate lives. Lots of people are socially awkward for various reasons, I'm sure if you like him then others will too.

Can you gently but clearly point out to him some things he does which appear rude? Just so that he is a bit more aware to try to avoid them?

Moominmamma86 Wed 22-Jul-15 23:13:56

It goes nothing like that actually crustsaway, thanks.
I think I'll leave you to it.

Moominmamma86 Wed 22-Jul-15 23:17:37

I have tried to point things out in a nice way, it's hard to do that without making him even less confident though.

crustsaway Wed 22-Jul-15 23:18:26

You carry on then OP.

You either find a way to cope with what you have or you decide to get out.

Im not judging Im just stating the obvious.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now