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Want DC#2 but it will tear his family apart...

(59 Posts)
WhyStannisWhy Sun 19-Jul-15 16:41:52

Basic facts (I've posted about this before). SIL and BIL are currently having IVF, TTC#1. I unexpectedly fell pregnant quite young a couple of years ago, OH is the younger of the two so wasn't supposed to be the first to have a child etc etc especially with SIL's fertility difficulties which were already ongoing at that point. Tried to be as sensitive as possible but was made to feel like a dirty secret at times, however that's fine, I just wanted to avoid any rift.

It sitll caused a bit of a rift, things are sort-of okay but not entirely (SIL and BIL totally blanked DD's first birthday, things have been awkward for a while). It's caused issues with MIL in particular too. Understandable I guess as she feels torn. SIL in particular reacted badly to the pregnancy and to DD, undermines me as her mum etc.

We're now at the point where we're ready for another baby and are actually going to TTC this time, but SIL and BIL's second round of IVF has failed. We're gutted for them, they get one more round before having to pay privately but they aren't sure what to do. We don't want to delay TTC, but all I can think is what happens if I get pregnant quickly (as happened last time) and in 12/13 weeks time we're announcing a pregnancy to them, and everything goes to shit?

OH is very much of the opinion that we have to live our lives and can't wait around for them, can't be expected to put our lives on hold when we want DC2 now and it could take us a while to conceive this one, nothing's guaranteed with possible MCs and everything, but I just feel torn. Really want DC2, but I don't want to be the cause of what could potentially be a massive rift.

Plus, selfishly, it was me that got it in the neck last time despite OH's efforts to make them see that it takes two to tango. It made my pregnancy a bit rubbish and I don't want that stress this time. OH would be devestated if things got to the point where either side wanted to go no-contact.

Feeling torn - would we be totally insensitive to go ahead and TTC #2?

dollius Sun 19-Jul-15 16:51:23

Your DH is right. Totally ludicrous to expect you to put your life on hold. You might want a small age gap for your kids, and they have no right to make you feel bad for that.

He needs to be very firm with mIL and FIL that you are not to be upset with any nastiness and if they can't say anything nice, then not to bother saying anything at all.

No excuse for being horrid to you at all.

Horsemad Sun 19-Jul-15 16:51:50

As sad as it is that they are having difficulties conceiving, you can't not TTC yourselves.
It may take weeks, or it may take months, but you can't put your life on hold for fear of upsetting them.

ADesperateMummy Sun 19-Jul-15 16:53:20

I can see why you'd be worried but I think your OH is right you need to live your lives and not put your plans on hold for other people when things might or might not happen (I no I probably sounds intensive here but I don't mean to be) have a good talk with your OH explain your fears and concerns and see where that takes you

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 19-Jul-15 17:02:21

"OH is the younger of the two so wasn't supposed to be the first to have a child"

That's total bollocks! Who thought that? Surely not you and your OH? Couples have children when it suits them (if they're lucky) and it's completely mad to delay having a child just because others in the family haven't yet or can't.

Listen to your OH. If having a child is in danger of "tearing his family apart" then this is one family who need to be avoided at all costs. Honestly, the whole thing is crackers.

WhyStannisWhy Sun 19-Jul-15 17:10:34

Bitter It's something that OH had grown up being told - SIL got married first, moved out first, so it was assumed that she'd have the baby first, and MIL even acknowledged that it was supposed to be SIL who had a baby first. It's the first grandchild and great grandchild so I think it particularly stung that DD was unplanned.

There's historic issues with OH's family. FIL is absolutely lovely and adores DD, but OH grew up very much in SIL's shadow and truly believes that he only deserves the leftovers. I feel crappy suggesting that we do what they want, now that he's finally found the balls to say bollocks to them, we'll do what's right for us.

missybct Sun 19-Jul-15 17:23:04

I can understand why your SIL and BIL are experiencing sadness and frustration with the IVF/pregnancy journey - but, and this is a big but - treating you, and your DD/family like shit because you've had the audacity to be pregnant is not only ridiculous but a bit rude. The emotions they feel are their own responsibility - not yours to be sugar coating and placating by having to REFRAIN from having your own child.

Things like TTC can evoke the need to be hyper aware of symptoms, feelings, emotions and timings; however, it does not give a green light to have a self of entitlement that decrees that everybody else must cease the act of conception, pregnancy or parenting. Struggling to conceive doesn't give someone the right to treat anybody else like shit because they've had the opportunities other people haven't.

If you were goading them, or making light hearted references that were pointed, or simple being shitty to them (and none of that sounds accurate from OP) then sure - SIL/BIL/MIL would have a cause for being shitty back.

If I was TTC-ing - I'd happily admit I would find pregnancies hard if I was struggling to get pregnant, but I would in no way expect anybody to wait to have a child because me and my DP were struggling. I find that being "off" with those who were fortunate enough to fall pregnant, in some ways, is more disrespectful than what your SIL/BIL/MIL assume is disrespect by you and DP TTC-ing when they are not having any luck.

Ilovetorrentialrain Sun 19-Jul-15 17:23:10

Hi I too think your DH is right. You really can't put your family on hold for this. As you suggest, nothing is guaranteed anyway, but they key point is you don't owe anyone anything in terms of how you plan your family.

I'd go so far as to say the fact your DD was unplanned is none of anyone's business either!

I'm not completely unfeeling towards your SiL - apologies if I sound blunt. Just addressing the key point here.

All the best.

Phoenix0x0 Sun 19-Jul-15 17:32:57

OP you sound lovely and thoughtful, but your DP is correct. You need to live your life and do what you want, when you want. You cannot live by someone's else's rules.

As someone who has had a number of IVF's and whose friends/family members have had children during this time, it was hard. It was also especially hard when these IVF's failed.

However, I never. NEVER ,acted the way in which your SIL did ,when people announced their pregnancies or when I met their newborns. These IVF failures were personal to DH and I; and in no way, did either of us want to punish those around us.

Personally, she behaved very badly and has been allowed to continue to do this (undermining you) now.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy Sun 19-Jul-15 17:36:51

Your DH is right. I am ttc and have issues and I would be mortified if that effected my sisters decision to have her second child.
When you have fertility problems it is very hard to watch people around you effortlessly get what you want, but your SIL and PiL are feeding the idea that she deserves a baby and you and DH don't deserve another until SIL has one. Please tell me you can see that this madness?
Ttc can take a while so it may be a few months before you're announcing anything. This is your life. Do you really want to look back and regret that your children don't have the age gaps that you wanted? That (God forbid) there is a problem but you delayed getting help in order to keep you in laws happy?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 19-Jul-15 17:39:29

Your DH is right. You can't plan your own family around someone else and their family, it would be crazy. Do what is right for you and your Dh.

Lambzig Sun 19-Jul-15 17:41:38

I think your DH is right too. In my case between ivf 2 failing and finally conceiving my first baby was six years. Do you want to wait that long before ttc? Yes it was difficult for me when My much younger DSis had two children quite close together while I had failed treatment after failed treatment, yes I distanced myself a little bit, but not for one minute did I think she should wait for me, neither did I resent her for it, I hoped it didn't show.

They have treated you unfairly and I think you should do what timing works for you and DH, but continue, if you can, to be supportive of your SIL.

DorisDazzler Sun 19-Jul-15 17:42:01

They sound utterly bonkers. I think they've treated you terribly.

tribpot Sun 19-Jul-15 17:42:38

Your DH is right but given it was you who bore the brunt of the animosity last time, how does he propose to combat that this time around? I would suggest he needs to announce the pregnancy (when there is one) with 'we do understand that this is a difficult announcement but we would ask you to be happy for us'. (This more for the benefit of his parents than his sister).

Then I think you need to reduce contact with his family so as to avoid a blow up that will be stressful for you and potentially lead to a bigger rift. Having said that, when/if (hopefully when) SIL has her baby I would expect to find your dc pushed to the background if the parents-in-law regard her as the golden child. So you could find yourself in a rift whether or not you have another baby. In which case you might as well go for it!

worserevived Sun 19-Jul-15 17:42:40

You can't put your life on hold because someone else has fertility issues. That way madness lies. What if you left it a few years, and the for some reason couldn't conceive?

My SIL1 hasn't spoken to either me, or SIL2 since we had children, because she had a mmc at 6 weeks a few years ago. She is now thankfully pregnant but still hasn't spoken to either of us. Prior to this she was a perfectly pleasant individual. I didn't hold off ttc DC2 to keep her happy, as being in my 40s I didn't have the luxury of time. It wouldn't have made any difference if I had, as her issues started with DC1.

Have your family on your own schedule.

CookieDoughKid Sun 19-Jul-15 17:47:33

Everyone needs to grow up. You need to live your life and have your own identities. Seriously. Of course be sensitive and don't rub their noses but if they don't want to be involved with your children. It's their problem.

seaoflove Sun 19-Jul-15 17:47:54

Of course it's sad that they're suffering, but ultimately their pain is not your responsibility. Their pain should not trump your happiness. They have no right to treat you like dirt, and nor should MIL and FIL validate their shitty behaviour by siding with them. It's not right.

WhyStannisWhy Sun 19-Jul-15 17:53:45

Thanks for the replies. We're both aware that when SIL has a baby, they will be the golden child, but we'll do our best to protect DD from bearing the brunt of that - that said FIL is her #1 fan and I doubt anything will get between the two of them as she adores him back.

I know how it feels to be the least favourite and ignored grandchild from my dads side of the family, who I ame totally NC with so we'll do whatever it takes to protect DD and future DCs.

We're lucky that my immediate family are incredibly supportive and DB and DSis are too young for babies and love being uncle and auntie, so there's support on that side.

If SIL wants to back off from us, or wants me to back off from them, that's fine. I have no issues with being blocked on FB and them not visiting etc. I think refusing to acknowledge DD's birthday was.pretty shitty but they are having a tough time so it's understandable, and I don't want them to be made to feel uncomfortable or upset at all, but OH and I want DD to have a relationship with her grandparents, so we can't stop visiting on the off chance that SIL may see me with a bump/newborn. I've tried to make as many adjustments as possible but it sometimes feels like shy of having no more children and hiding DD away, we'll never do enough.

WhyStannisWhy Sun 19-Jul-15 17:54:52

Obviously best case scenario is that they do manage to get pregnant soon. I can't imagine what they must be feeling sad

Itsbloodyraining Sun 19-Jul-15 18:42:29

They ignored your dds first birthday!! shock. Perhaps you should start to feel a bit angry at them. Utterly deplorable behaviour.

ChilliAndMint Sun 19-Jul-15 18:42:40

DH is absolutely right.

I also know painful it was, seeing my younger siblings having children when I had fertility issues. However I was always there for my nieces and nephews and never for one second resented their parents for having them.

The behaviour of you IL's is bang out of order.stop pussyfooting around them and bring on DC 2 xx

airforsharon Sun 19-Jul-15 19:08:28

I think there's a chance your SIL will always have a problem with you, and your dcs, even if she conceives next month, because you 'dared' to have a child first.

Your dh is right, but he needs to ensure you both present a united front so you don't bear the brunt of any nastiness next time around.

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 19-Jul-15 19:17:45

You cannot put your life on hold because of someone else's misfortune. What if they never conceive at all? Should you never have the child you want? And ignoring the birthday was completely wrong. They may have said they couldn't face attending the party but not to send a card or message is punishing a child for existing.

You cannot keep others warm by setting yourself on fire.

WhyStannisWhy Sun 19-Jul-15 19:27:31

I think you're right in that whatever we do, she'll still resent us for doing it first.

In a selfish addition, she constantly undermines me. She'll say things like "oh is mummy doing it wrong", "is mummy making you cry", "has mummy lost your dummy?" - just anything she can to make out I'm a bad mum. She's ten years older than me and I think she thinks I'm too young to be a good mum and makes that clear sad

KnitFastDieWarm Sun 19-Jul-15 19:36:13

She sounds like an arse. Yes, an arse in a very sad, stressful situation, but still a arse. Your inlaws sound even worse - at least sil/bil have some excuse in that they are going through a traumatic process. Mil just sounds spiteful.

How far does this extend? If she was out of work would your and Dh be expected to resign from your jobs so she didn't feel left out? If you wanted to by a home would you have to hold off in case dsis felt miffed about not getting there first? It's bonkers behaviour!

I feel very sorry for anyone going through difficulties ttc, but that's hardly your fault is it?

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