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Happiness. Why can't I let go

(10 Posts)
Bambino1234 Thu 16-Jul-15 19:53:59

Does anyone else feel like they lost themselves after being left?
Like they don't really know who they are anymore?
I lost myself at the beginning of the year, each morning I wake and look in the mirror, the reflection is always of a broke woman and I long to see ME again.

I used to love being a mum.
Now though, I resent the role and tasks that I used to relish I no longer enjoy.

I'm not naive.
I don't believe staying together for children is ever the right thing to do.
I was unaware though that he was so unhappy, he didn't talk to me about it or even mention what was destroying him from the inside.

I am hurt.
I carry it around with me like a sack of unwanted potatoes, it useless and pointless but I can't seem to let go!
I want to let go and I worry if I take much longer I'll never see me again.

He left me.
He had chosen my replacement before I even knew I was leaving.
He has lied denied and pushed me over the edge.
They're together though, two families broken apart and whilst we hurt they are happy.

My children are now third on the pecking order.
He sees them twice a month and her even more.
They deserve a father who is interested but he is not, family life is not for him he says. Fun and laughter is want he wants.

I want to laugh again. He stripped me of my confidence though, how can I laugh when the elephant that sits on my chest is at risk of suffocating me.
I miss being happy and care free.
I miss enjoying my children and looking to the future.
Worst of all I feel guilty.

Guilty that I was not loveable. That I did not deserve his respect or loyalty.
I was not good enough, so he chose to leave me and the children for his own happiness, I unknowingly made him unhappy.
So now he misses the children and they miss their father and it is because of me.

When will I let go?
Will I be the only one hurt in this ? While they skip happily into the future leaving me in a heap behind.

fluffybunnies246 Thu 16-Jul-15 21:55:48

bambino you sound really down.

Don't blame yourself- you said that your ex stated that 'family life was not for him', and he was already having an affair before you left!

It's not that you were not good enough. It's HIM that wasn't good enough. He sounds like an irresponsible a**e (sorry). He had already chosen to separate himself from you and the kids before you went. It sounds like you did the right thing to leave him, and made a positive choice for the future of you and your children.

Do you have any RL support? Have you been to counselling?

Notgettingoverit Thu 16-Jul-15 22:14:37

Bambino, I have absolutely no idea what the answer is, but I've been on the verge of writing an almost identical post all week.
I think we've met in HobbitsBar recently. I'm 7 months in from discovering my ExH was so unhappy he had to walk out there and then. I felt and still do, like I was run over by a double decker bus. I've spent that time listening to him recount every single thing I ever did wrong in our relationship which led to this. I know he is now seeing someone, has in fact just returned from holiday with them, but I have no idea who she is or how long it's been going on.
Even so, it's only literally been this last week that I've just started realising it's not me and I've only ever been guilty of loving him.
I love being a mum and feel that now, mummy is the only person I know. Friends and family who see me now may be mistaken that I'm coping with this, but that's because they generally see me with my DS. When he's in bed and reality kicks in, I have no idea how I'm ever going to find myself again.
How is it even possible when seeing ExH once a fortnight still causes me to breakdown and therefore spend the only 'me' time I have crying and berating myself?
Guilty that I was not loveable. That I did not deserve his respect or loyalty
My thoughts exactly. It's shit. Sorry you're going through this too x

worserevived Fri 17-Jul-15 07:02:31

It was not your fault. Repeat that until you believe it, because that is the truth. He left because he was a selfish self absorbed man who decided he didn't want the responsibilities of family life. He dumped those on you, leaving you feeling battered bruised and worn out. He isn't a nice person.

Give yourself time to heal, you will come through this, and you will end up stronger and happier than before.

gildedcage Fri 17-Jul-15 09:25:11

can I ask if either of you have had some counselling? Somewhere where you can work through your feelings in a safe space.

Feelings of joyless ness are predictable, as are guilt and low self worth. You may even feel like everything before wasn't real. Were all those good times a lie? Ultimately I think you should think about seeing your GP they will be able to think about some medication to help with feelings of anxiety and perhaps lack of sleep. They are also able to arrange talking therapy if you cannot afford to go privately.

I am not suggesting that you medicate against your feelings but ruminating thoughts and feelings of worthlessness etc can make you unwell. I think actually talking to someone and getting your feelings into the open will help you.

please remember that you are grieving the life you had, the husband you thought you had and the future you thought you would share. Like any grieving process this will take time. Try to do small things to make you happy and remember to take each day at a time.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Fri 17-Jul-15 10:12:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cassawoof Fri 17-Jul-15 12:02:47

Hi bambino not and what I'm in the same position, it's been 11 months for me but still not getting much better. I didn't see it coming either, just thought it was a bad patch.

But everyone is right, it is not your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about. It never crossed my mind to leave my H, but it crossed his, and then he thought about it some more, convinced himself and when his mind was made up FINALLY told me. I didn't stand a chance. It was his responsibility as soon as he thought there was a problem to open discussions. How were you to know what was going on in his head if he didn't tell you. It is him who has put his entitlement to happiness above that of his responsibilities and obligations and children. They are selfish and unkind.

I think it is very hard to turn from looking backwards and thinking about them all the time and being sad about the future you have lost, to looking forwards and seeing there is a new future that could be better. That is what I am struggling with at the moment, and it sounds like you are too. I think from reading other people's wise words when you can accept there will be a different future but it could be a good one and the past you actually had (not what you could or should have had) was not so great, then that is a turning point.

truthaboutlove Fri 17-Jul-15 12:55:54

Op, have you read the thread anyone recover from something they didn't think they would

I have experienced feelings similar to yours and found it very helpful.

InTheBox Fri 17-Jul-15 14:13:23

How long has it been? It sounds all still very raw. Infact I was coming on to invite you to the anyone recover from something they didn't think they would thread.

I totally understand the living through the motions, dead behind the eyes thing. That was me for a while. I honestly felt as though someone had stolen my life.

I think you are in the grieving process. Mine went to anger, rage, self-reproach all with bouts of uncontrollable tears for good measure.

As futile as it sounds the best thing was to take it a day at a time, bit by bit. I've written on the thread I mentioned above that for me the main goal is to adjust to my 'new normal.'

Bambino1234 Fri 17-Jul-15 14:40:43

Thank you all it's been six months of fuckwittery.
I accept he's not coming back , either way ! Whether he wakes tomorrow or six years down the line with forgiveness in mind that he will not be receiving.
I would just like to find acceptance of him not being the man I thought, I doesn't particularly bother me he's with someone else, I know that he will treat her just like me and the ones before, he's too selfish to devote his life to others so I don't believe it will be a long loved relationship. I just carry the hurt and burden of someone else's doing and I wish there was a cliff somewhere I could throw it all off and walk back down to my new life care free.
Acceptance is the key and I'm having trouble.

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