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DM feeling 'left out' of my pregnancy.

(33 Posts)
Nottalotta Thu 16-Jul-15 06:15:49

I have a reasonable relationship with my mother, but am seen as a bit of a black sheep in my family. Mum can do a fine line in guilt trips, and everything is all about her, revolves around the family home etc. She is big on occasions (Christmas, birthdays, anything and everything) and is a 'more the merrier' type of person although will then complain that she has everything to do, Bernard in the kitchen all day etc.

I have an older DB and DS both who rely on mum a great deal, spend most weekends at her house, involve her in everything. DB has some learning diff so needs the support. DS is single mum of 2.

I am married, 37, pregnant with 1st child. DM hs complained to DS that she has felt like she hasn't been involved with my pregnancy. DS lived with mum for one of hers, and mum attended every appointment with her and was at both births.

I have attended every appointment line apart from Dh coming to scans. I have been in hospital to be monitored twice for several hours, alone. Not because Dh won't come but because i am fine on my own and didn't see the need.

So mother has asked if i want her to come with me to Mw appointments, I have said no thank you. She does a sad face 'oh ok then'

And now is complaining to DS about not being involved. She expects to be at the birth. I know this but have avoided it. Thinking that i just won't tell her til after.

I've been booked for a c sec and not sure whether to tell her til after or not. She will expect to be there and i think id rather not tell her til after.

Any ideas on how to handle this? For info, the reason i don't want her there is that she makes every situation all about her and i gain no comfort from her in stressful circumstances. I end up annoyed with her and this is the one time i think it should be about me and dh.

hesterton Thu 16-Jul-15 06:18:47

Stick to your guns. She has no right to make assumptions about being there for the birth. It sounds like she expects you to be a repeat of your sister when you're clearly not. This is you and you dh's baby. Not hers.

LadyPlumpington Thu 16-Jul-15 06:32:50

Absolutely don't tell her. Feel no compunction!

Aussiebean Thu 16-Jul-15 06:35:45

Also tell your sis to stop passing on this information. Tell her if your mother has an issue, then it is her responsibility to talk to you. Not the sisters job to pass this on.

Nishky Thu 16-Jul-15 06:49:20

I won't bore you with the story of me caving in to my mother and the stress around my pfb's birth and the seething resentment.

I will just repeat what the others say - stick to your guns, trust your instinct, don't cave in.

cailindana Thu 16-Jul-15 06:55:23

You are handling it fine. I agree with Aussie that your only response to your sister should be 'if mum has a problem she can tell me herself.' You are absolutely right to keep her at arms length.

annandale Thu 16-Jul-15 07:02:13

I also have a family where messages tend to get passed through third parties and it's a pain but the good news is that you can pretend you never heard it. Just do the vague face and a 'oh well you know mum' to your sis and don't give her the satisfaction o a reply. You also have to bear in mind that your sister will be putting her own spin on the message.Trust your instincts now as you will have to throughout parenthood.

DinosaursRoar Thu 16-Jul-15 07:04:44

My mum has a touch of the drama llamas about her too, and so like you, I don't find she's a source of strength or help in times of crisis.

A very wise woman on here a few years ago told me "don't feed the drama llama" and since I've limited my parents access to information. I would suggest you don't tell her re the ELCS. Or tell her closer too with "it looks like I'm going to have to have a c section." Or could you lie that in planned sections it's only one partner?

From experience I wouldn't confront as then the drama will be that you don't want her there, and your birth will still be all about her. Carry on as you are, don't tell her about appointments and announce the birth once your done. (Do be consistent though, if you aren't telling your mum the date of the c section, don't tell MIL either)

ShebaShimmyShake Thu 16-Jul-15 07:06:26

If I hear one more story about people whinging because a pregnant woman didn't give them the pregnancy/labour THEY wanted, I'm going to start screaming.

Childbirth (natural or C sec) is the only body function/medical procedure where anyone even thinks about questioning the right to patient confidentiality. I'm pretty hardcore on this. NOBODY has the right to attend your childbirth unless YOU say they can. Not even the father, and certainly not the overbearing mother.

You will be at your most vulnerable and intense and the only people who should be there apart from medical professionals are those you WANT there who you feel would be supportive and helpful to you. If that's nobody at all, so be it, it is nobody's business or choice but yours.

Your mother has no right to dictate to you the conditions under which you should give birth (not even your husband has that right, despite the current vogue for men's 'rights' to dictate anything relating to a woman's labour) and if she has a problem with that she can tell you herself. At which point you simply say "Having too many people there will stress me out and possibly complicate the birth. It's my decision. I'll see you immediately afterwards." And don't tell her the date.

While you're at it, tell your sister you don't want to hear any messages from your mother via her.

larrygrylls Thu 16-Jul-15 07:09:00

You need to have an honest adult conversation with her. I would tend to tell her but explain that you are a married independent adult and she needs to respect your choices. If she then sulks, that is up to her but you know that you have done the right thing.

Hissy Thu 16-Jul-15 07:09:27

Your mother is a manipulative fruit loop! Why on earth would she think she has a right to be at all your appointments? AND the birth? shockconfused

Your dsis is stirring things too. Stop passing info on, yes indeed do the "you know mum" line and carry on as YOU want to.

Yeah it'll probably blow up, but it's their choice to behave in this ridiculous manner.

5YearsTime Thu 16-Jul-15 07:15:09

My DM expected notification that I was in labour but I said no when I was pregnant. She wasn't told until 6 hours after my LO was born. Not intentionally, the birth got traumatic and by the time we were both treated and fit enough to tell anyone it was 6 hours later. She did moan that I hadn't told her but at that point I really really didn't care, especially because my baby was ill.

Nottalotta Thu 16-Jul-15 07:16:51

Thanks everyone, I feel i handle my mother fairly well now but years of the guilt tripping always make me doubt myself. My sister is ok, she understands my view and that she and I are totally different people in very different situations. I have said to her though that if mother mentions it again, she should say 'you should speak to notta really' .

Mother thinks the relationship she has had with sis is 'normal' and that what she likes is 'normal' and that because i am different to the rest of the family i am clearly wrong. Or somehow doing things purposefully to upset her/people.

Mehitabel6 Thu 16-Jul-15 07:23:02

You are the one who has the 'normal' relationship.there is no need for her to be involved- or at least not involved in the way she envisages.

Phoenix0x0 Thu 16-Jul-15 07:31:26

notta she definitely is not normal.....

Stick to your guns and announce the birth of your child when they are born.

Nottalotta Thu 16-Jul-15 10:04:45

Thanks everyone, this is incredibly refreshing to read that I'm not being completely unreasonable.

whereismagic Thu 16-Jul-15 10:14:12

What about finding other ways to share your pregnancy with your mum that will be ok for you and won't make her feel left out? Why make it into a standoff? What about having an adult conversation that you want to go to appointments on your own or with your partner but you can go shopping for baby clothes together, send her US pics or anything else?

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Thu 16-Jul-15 10:25:01

I think you do need to have the conversation about your expectations re: when she'll see you and the baby. Maybe by phrasing it "we thought you could come and see us the day after" or "we'd like people to wait until we're back at home". It then starts the conversation without saying "I don't want you there" but is still very clear on what YOU want.

I asked DH to do this with his parents but he stuck his head in the sand and we got unannounced visitors within hours of the birth (which was pretty impressive as they hadn't even been told what hospital we were in).

whereismagic makes a good point, maybe redirecting her interests into a shopping trip for the pram/cot or whatever will make her feel more involved (if you want it too).

Nottalotta Thu 16-Jul-15 10:52:50

The c section is booked for next week. Mum has just decided to confide in sister that she feels uninvolved. I had actually been really pleased at how things were going and thought she had finally worked out that i have a husband and am not tied to her apron strings. She has had a very busy time recently due to several holidays and moving and i was happy that she had something else to focus on, although the times that i have tried to involve her haven't gone well (cancelled, very late turning up, needing to cut short, bringing random people with her)so i have tried but then stopped a bit.

The reason i don't want to bring it up is that she WILL do the poor me guilt trip thing, it WILL piss me off and she is likely to ignore me and turn up anyway. I feel that if i call her and say 'baby born, all (hopefully) ok please visit tomorrow' then any upset on her part will be cut short.

Nottalotta Thu 16-Jul-15 10:54:50

where I would like nothing more than to have an adult conversation with her. If she was capable of it I wouldn't be having this issue.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 16-Jul-15 10:57:10

I've said it before and I'll say it again: it is a parent's primary job to bring up their children to be, as far as possible, independent adults. To then complain that they're daring to go around being, well, independent adults is a bit rich. Not to say your DSis was wrong doing it her way either; people and situations differ, and a good parent will make it clear that they are there to support if needed. If support is not needed because nothing has gone wrong, so much the better! Maybe you could point this out to your mother: she's done such a good job of bringing you up as a capable person etc...

Caring about you, worrying about you is natural and lovely. But that isn't really what this is about, is it? It's about her missing out, which is not so much maternal as self-centred. Not in a really horrible way, but not a thing you need to pander to either.

Lweji Thu 16-Jul-15 10:59:39

She is your mother, not your midwife.

Sometimes it may be better to have a mother at birth than a man, but not an emotionally manipulative one.

Just tell her the hospital doesn't allow more than one person in the room and your OH wants to go.

Another thing, don't tell her when things happen, just after. smile

Anniegetyourgun Thu 16-Jul-15 11:03:54

X post - gosh, next week already? Not too long to keep her in the dark for, then. Hope all goes splendidly - I'm sure it will. If she does find out and make a nuisance of herself it's only an irritation though - the important thing is You Will Have A Baby!

Jengnr Thu 16-Jul-15 11:07:29

Why would ANYBODY want to come to a midwife appointment anyway? I can't think of anything more dull.

And what can anyone else (partner aside) actually be involved in with a pregnancy? There's nothing they can do.

I think you have the right idea.

Nottalotta Thu 16-Jul-15 11:13:39

Exactly Jen !! Mw appointments have generally been incredibly tedious. As for involvement, I can only assume that's what she means, because there is nothing else to be involved in, is there?

I agree she should be happy that I am able to cope on my own.

Whenever i try to tell her stuff, all she has to say is 'yes well when i wa pregnant with you.....' or starts on about how busy she has been etc etc. Not really helping the situation.

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