My marriage is a wreck

[spangled1976]

Hi,
I've been with my husband 15 years and married for 5, we have two children (8,4). Throughout or marriage we've had ups and downs like anybody but we've had some really shitty times too, mainly due to him. He's always drank quite a bit but not so I would class him as having a problem,quite recently he's cut down but still drinks 5-6 cans three times week. Anyway during the course of our relationship I've found him trying it on with my cousin and one other woman via text, he's also been physical with me, but never hit me. When we row he's cruel and name calls quite a lot. I also think he has a painkiller addiction which he won't admit to. Anyway over the past year we've had a horrid time, he's been diagnosed with depression and completely shut me out, he won't tell me a thing, he's stopped talking, sex is none existent and he's been a really difficult man to live with, he also started working nights which has increased the stress on our marriage even more. I'm lonely and I'm more lonely when he's here as there's just nothing between us. A year ago I slept with another man, a work colleague. This went on for about 9 months and is now over but it made me realise that I don't think I love my husband and I've definitely realised that I lost a lot of respect for him when I found him trying it in with my cousin (call me a hypocrite) while I was pregnant and having an abortion that I didn't want. Over the past few weeks I really can't be bothered with him, I feel like I live with a corpse, I know he adores me despite everything I've said. We've had a couple of huge rows lately where he's accused me of having an affair and thrown a lot of things (mainly that I exercise a fair bit) back in my face, he says I'm selfish for exercising and that I don't deserve the time to myself, I run once a week and civility train once a week, one of these times my children are at school so it doesn't effect them. Anyway for the past week he's gone on and on about how he thinks I'm having an affair and how I don't love him and I don't want sex, truth is, no I don't want sex with him, he doesn't do anything to make me want sex with him. Last night we both had a drink and we watched Gone Girl which is partly about an affair, all way through the film he went on & on about affairs, how he didn't understand how anybody could do it etc etc, after the film we needed up arguing and it really escalated, he accused me of an affair again with somebody I work work with, he said I fake my exercise so I can have an affair, he called me a slag but then called me friggid he called me so many names and chipped and chipped away at me all night, talking over me, calling me useless, selfish a c*$t and every other name you can think of. It all became too much and I slapped him across the face really hard. I didn't feel bad about this, I felt he pushed and pushed me until u snapped and I think he was cruel to me. Anyway the row got worse and it woke my eldest, my husband went upstairs and told him that I had hit him and brought blood and he was going to call the police. Needless to say my son was hysterical. I got in bed with him, he was shaking and sobbing, it was heartbreaking. My husband continued to call me names in front of our son and pretended to call the police, by this time my son was screaming because he thought I was going to jail, my husband then switched on the light and had blood on his face, I don't know if I caused this but my son was uncontrollable. He was in such a state and my husband wouldn't leave, he was going on and on telling my son how his mummy had hit daddy and that I was a bitch and I was going to get arrested. Eventually home left but then began sending nasty text messages. This morning he's no where to be seen.
I hate him for what he's done to our children, I'm absolutely mortified.
I want him to go and over the past year, the amount of times I've asked him to leave is countless but we always end up back together.
Truth be told I don't know how I'd cope without him financially, I'd lose my house, I wouldn't have a car, we have debt, I have a dog I couldn't keep, I know that most of these are material things but I love our family home and I'd be gutted to lose it. I also rely on him for childcare while I work. I don't know what we would do and how we would manage apart.

I don't think I'm looking for any answers on here, I just needed to tell somebody, in our family him and I are seen as a rock solid couple and I'd hate to let people down, this is why I have no one to talk to, my best friend is married to my husbands best friend so I can't go to her and my other best friend is great but she is much younger than me and isn't married and has no children so I think it's hard for her to appreciate the difficulties I face.

I'm really sorry to rant on but I feel like I just want to run away from everything and I can't .

[muchhappierthesedays]

I'm sorry you're going through such a dreadful time. I remember that feeling of not knowing how to get past the practicalities but please please tell someone in real life-you will be amazed at how much better you will feel just offloading to someone. No-one, and I mean absolutely no-one, knew about my marital crap but the minute I started telling my mum it made it so much easier to get on with the horrible job of separating. Now a year down the line I feel shock at what I put up with, justified and normalised but mostly relief. There will be many people on here with better advice but keep posting-it really does help.

[midnightvelvetPart2]

Your son's wellbeing is far more important than a house & a car, the poor child cannot be expected to cope with this at age 8. If you stay together then from your OP, you have a serious risk of damaging your son. Also I don't mean to scare you but if your neighbours call SS as a result of the screaming match last night then you need to able to prove you are safeguarding your children & I'm not sure you can at the moment. Was your 4 year old awake? Your children cannot be allowed to grow up thinking this is how normal adult relationships work!

Your relationship sounds beyond awful & for everyone's sake including yours, you probably need to split. Its not about letting people down, its about doing the best for you & the children.

Go & see a solicitor or the CAB as you need proper advice about your house & the debt etc, it may not be as bad as you think, finances are no reason to stay in a marriage like yours & you may find you can cope well. Its daunting but once you have made the appointment then you will be more in control & able to see a way forwards.

[pocketsaviour]

I love our family home and I'd be gutted to lose it.

You don't have a family home, you have a house where you and your H hate each other.

You realise that he deliberately goaded you into hitting him? This will continue until he has a situation where he can call the police and get SS involved. That's why he woke up your son - so he could say the domestic violence took place in front of the kids.

Call your family. It doesn't matter if they all think things are good, they need to know the truth so they can support you to get rid of this scheming bully. You're not letting anyone down, you're protecting your kids. You must get rid of this abusive man.

Having a read of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that" might be helpful for you. You can get it on kindle.

[spangled1976]

Thank you so much, I'm in floods of tears reading this as there's so much truth in your replies. I'm going to my mums for the day but I'm not sure I dare tell her as she suffers such bad anxiety and this is bound to push her over the edge, my best friend has litre rally just gone into labour too so I can't speak to her.
I've been in this situation so many times and I always sleep on it and end up forgiving him, i don't want to do that but I know what I'm like. I worry about him with his depression and that he's on his second marriage (he also has two kids with his ex) I'm terrified he'll do something stupid or he'll have no where to live or he'll have no money or he'll be lonely forever.

Answering one of the questions earlier, my four year old slept through everything but my son had told her that daddy had a bloody nose and we argued and now she's asking me why I have tears so she's more than aware that something's going on, my 8 year old is asking if I still love daddy and whether he's coming back.

[BrowersBlues]

Your are both as bad as one another. He does not adore you and you don't love him. If you really want to focus your thoughts think only about your children and end this joke of a marriage for their sake. Take the focus on your debt, your lovely house and focus on your distressed little boy. Wake the fuck up and stop pissing about with two young children's lives.

[NerrSnerr]

You need to put your children first. What's more important, having a car or your children's well being?

[Penfold007]

He suspects you have been having an affair and he is right. He thinks you are denying the affair and lying, he's right. He thinks you are withholding/avoiding sex again he's right.
You had absolutely no right to hit him and you've shown no remorse.
I don't think it will be a case of you doing any forgiving. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. You need to do something to prevent your children ever being exposed to domestic violence again.

[spangled1976]

I know. And I know that I'm wrong.
And I know that my kids need to come first, I'm just really scared. I've never been single in my entire life, I've been with him since I was 20 and before that I was with my previous boyfriend from being 15.im scared to tell my children that me and their father won't be together.

I'm just so scared of everything.

[BrowersBlues]

Telling your children won't be as scary as what happened last night. Your DS will be petrified that it will happen again. I understand that you are scared but that doesn't mean that you can't end this hell.

Ring Women's Aid and get some advice on how to extricate yourself from this marriage.

Now that he is gone text him and tell him that you two cannot put the children through anymore. You can then start to separate formally. You might lose the house but so what it isn't a happy home.

If you think I am being harsh I know what your are going through. I left an abusive partner with a one year old and pregnant. I slept on a sofa for over a month at a friend's, actually she slept on the sofa and gave me her bed. We had nothing. I had no job, no money, no home but I was not putting my children through hell. That was over 18 years ago and I would do it all over again if I had to.

You can end this relationship and move on. Millions of people have done it. You are no different. Get out of this marriage, if not for yourself, for your children.

[Joysmum]

Your marriage has turned you both into people neither of you can be proud of.

Separating will at least give both of you a change at trying to improve how you behave and be the role models your children deserve.

You are both damaging your children and they don't deserve that.

I'd hope you can both try to put your own fears of separation aside because the alternative of staying together through great of the future or obligation to the past is far more damaging than a future apart would be.

[Penfold007]

Contacting Women's Aid is a good idea. He's gone so use this time to gather important document. Is there anyone you can confide in?

[arthriticfingers]

Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247 Talk to them.