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Is it ever ok to cheat?

(194 Posts)
Osteres Sun 12-Jul-15 09:27:45

My DH is ill/disabled and unable to have any kind of sexual relationship. Should I just resign myself to the fact I'll never have sex again, or is it ok to go outside the relationship in cases like this? My DH would absolutely never agree to letting me sleep with someone else, I would need to lie to him.

Keepingsecrecy Sun 12-Jul-15 09:30:01

Have you sat down and had a proper heart to heart with your DH?

Does he refuse any sort of sexual contact with someone else?

Is your DH not able to do anything sexually with you?

MarchLikeAnAnt Sun 12-Jul-15 09:39:06

Depends how seriously you take your marriage vows.

mrstweefromtweesville Sun 12-Jul-15 09:40:49

Would you consider leaving him?
Would knowing you were going with someone else break his heart?

MarchLikeAnAnt Sun 12-Jul-15 09:45:13

Sex isn't a 'need', your DH manages to live without it, you just love sex more than you love your DH.

midnightvelvetPart2 Sun 12-Jul-15 09:49:36

I think sex is a very human need. Are you able to get the reassurance & comfort from foreplay that you usually get from sex, are you able to 'substitute' the penetration for other sexual acts? Plenty of couples have a satisfying sex life without a penis being involved, so is there a compromise? Also how does your husband cope with his sexual desires?

TheStoic Sun 12-Jul-15 09:59:33

It's the deception that's the problem. Is deception ok in some circumstances? In this circumstance?

Most people would say No. But it doesn't matter what everyone else says. Would you be ok with living that way?

pocketsaviour Sun 12-Jul-15 09:59:34

Do you have children? If so, I'd have the conversation about opening the marriage first. You might be surprised, especially if he is feeling pressured and depressed that he cannot meet your needs. You would of course agree ground rules regarding safe sex, where to meet someone, must/must not be someone you already know, etc.

Alternately, would he agree to wearing a strap on, giving you oral, using toys on you, etc. (Not sure if his health condition would preclude some or all of these.)

If he won't agree to open things up, I'd leave if possible. If it wasn't possible to leave, I'd do what I needed to stay sane and married.

Osteres Sun 12-Jul-15 10:02:38

There is no sexual relationship at all, he won't participate in foreplay, he doesn't even like talking about it. Apparently he has no sexual desires, he had a low sex drive even before he became ill. It's been 6 years since we were physical.

He would be heartbroken if he knew I had even thought about this.

I don't want to leave him, everything else is fine in the relationship. I would rather stay sexless than leave him just for that.

Keepingsecrecy Sun 12-Jul-15 10:31:11

He needs to know you are heartbroken over this

Sickoffrozen Sun 12-Jul-15 10:33:57

Personally I think it's acceptable if he won't even talk about it.

VixxFace Sun 12-Jul-15 11:06:55

I would.

nrv0us Sun 12-Jul-15 11:14:28

This sounds like a very tricky situation, but I personally don't think you should allow yourself to be painted as a harlot by the MN slut-shame police for wanting sex a few more times before you die.

People do manage to navigate this in a mature and responsible way, protecting the sanctity of their primary relationship while stepping outside it occasionally in order to meet an unmet need. Open relationships are more prevalent nowadays, and can be a way for this stuff to be acknowledged and dealt with up front rather than squashed down and done behind people's backs in furtive secret.

Tell your DH how you feel, and ask him if there is any chance that he might be open to some form of 'opening up' -- he may surprise you by being more reasonable than you had expected.

Maybe also seek advice on forums specifically for people in your situation. I imagine that some of the fainter hearts on here might be unable to empathise.

Joysmum Sun 12-Jul-15 11:16:38

I would never be ok with cheating.

A marriage to me is about accepting the boundaries of the other. You have every right not to accept them but if you don't then you do your partner the courtesy of saying you don't and why. They then have the option of reconsidering and you then have the option of rethinking too.

If neither can come to an agreement then as much as you love each other, it's not enough and that's it.

Honesty is everything to me.

Mrskeats Sun 12-Jul-15 11:17:06

I can't believe there are people who think sex is not a need. It's the most basic human need without which we would have died out as a species!!

I think you need to make it absolutely clear to him how you feel and that something needs to be sorted out. The fact that you say he won't discuss it is not good
How old are you? Are you prepared to go the rest of your life without intimacy? I don't buy this marriage vows have to be kept however bad things get. 6 years is such a long time and he cannot think you are happy with this

AnyFucker Sun 12-Jul-15 11:20:14

where are the slut shame police? hmm

op, have sex with others but only with your husband's knowledge and consent

Seriouslyffs Sun 12-Jul-15 11:20:30

Most people would understand and most people would not judge.
The problem is that it will probably develop into a messy situation involving you, DH and the other man.

Branleuse Sun 12-Jul-15 11:21:52

there are a lot worse crimes in life than infidelity and no you dont have to be celibate forever. If he wont talk about sex and expects you to be sexually exclusive with him but without any sort of sexual relationship together, then thats really unfair and controlling. Are you his carer or his partner?

FredaMayor Sun 12-Jul-15 11:26:44

OP, could you open up a discussion with your DH about what the barriers to doing what you suggest would be? For instance, would DH fear that your physical intimacy with someone else would threaten your relationship with him or become emotional with the other person as well? Do you also feel that might happen?

If you don't talk about it you will never know, and I think you have come to a point, OP, where getting him to discuss it with you is your only course if you want to stay sane and not 'cheat' in the strict sense of the term. The best of luck with this, I know I would find this situation intolerable. Grasp the nettle.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Sun 12-Jul-15 11:33:06

What a difficult situation sad

I know I couldn't go without sex for the rest of my life. If he won't even have a conversation or consider non-PIV types of sex, then he's not being fair on you.

If you do manage to have the conversation and he says a point blank no, would you want to be in a relationship without sex, and without him caring that you don't have sex, forever?

I would be going for honesty or splitting up. Going down the cheating route, if you're someone who has moral qualms about it, could well end up causing you a lot of stress and pain in the long run.

I hope you can find a way to talk this through.

MarchLikeAnAnt Sun 12-Jul-15 11:40:26

Sex itself is not a need is it? We are not animals unable to control our urges, no one will fall down dead because they haven't had sex. I doubt the op is wanting to shag around in the hope of getting pregnant.

I've not slut shamed anyone either, people are free to have sex with as many people as they wish but to cheat on a partner is disgusting.

Isetan Sun 12-Jul-15 11:40:45

If the only way of having one of your needs met is to lie and cheat, then there is something depressingly wrong with your relationship. You're making the 'Everything is fine except for <insert reason>' mistake, where the <insert reason> is the focus and the lack of respect for your feelings and opinions is the real issue.

Your H disability could be the convenient excuse for him not 'having' sex, when in fact, it's him not 'wanting' to have any kind of intimacy which is the real issue. He doesn't want to talk about it because he doesnt want to be challenged and he doesn't want to acknowledge your feelings either.

Lying and cheating will not solve but only complicate and amplify the issues in your marriage.

nrv0us Sun 12-Jul-15 11:41:26

When I said 'slut-shame police' I was responding to a couple of early comments on the thread that surprised me by giving the discussion a strong tone of pearl-clutching moralising. I now see that they were both posted by the same person and that things have moved in a more reasonable direction. smile

Congratulations, MarchLikeAnAnt! You are the MN slut-shaming police!! <pins on medal>

MarchLikeAnAnt Sun 12-Jul-15 11:47:55

How have I slut shamed the op?

TheStoic Sun 12-Jul-15 11:52:21

you just love sex more than you love your DH.

Bit slut-shamey.

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