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Being alone again after a break up

(25 Posts)
allypally1986 Thu 09-Jul-15 12:11:15

Hi,

I'm 25 and two weeks ago I split with my partner of 2 1/2 years, for a variety of reasons, but essentially he couldn't give me the security and companionship I really needed.

I'm just so desperate right now to call him and beg him to give us another go, even though I know we made each other miserable and were probably fundamentally incompatible in terms of what we each needed from a partner.

I'm so scared of being alone again. I've always deep down suspected I am going to be alone forever, and I let myself believe that with this one I had proved that suspicion wrong sad now all my friends keep trying to reassure me that I'll be fine on my own, I always have been, bla bla bla, but I don't WANT to be alone. I've been so lonely for so long.

How can I get out of this? How can I make myself believe that there is someone out there for me? How can I stop the urge to beg my ex to try again (despite the fact he's made it very clear he won't even consider that!!)

hidingbehindsmile Thu 09-Jul-15 12:19:09

Having just come out of a long term relationship of nine years, I can relate to some of how you are feeling. I do think about if/how/when I will meet someone else is the future but first I need some time out to work on me (I am 29 btw).
My advice to you would be try to start enjoying your own company, I dont mean be alone all the time I mean having a healthy balance of time with friends/family as well as time for yourself. Only you know what you are ready to move on but you also need to go through the 'grieving' process for your relationship.

allypally1986 Thu 09-Jul-15 12:26:29

Thank you, I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. As my partner and I were kind of long distance (Yorkshire/london) I had plenty of time to myself anyway, I guess that's why this is hard.

Suddenly it feels like nothing has a purpose because I can't share it with him, or anyone!

I feel old all of a sudden. I don't want to go out and get drunk and party. I just want to share my life and future with someone sad

Jan45 Thu 09-Jul-15 12:26:38

You will find it really difficult to find a long term relationship with that kind of attitude I'm afraid, you need to learn to be on your own, enjoy your own company and also make your own decisions, including making friends and taking up hobbies, you sound so desperate for a man to basically entertain you, you need to do this yourself now, you're a grown up!

Sorry but staying in an unsatisfying relationship out of desperation is just a terrible idea - if you cant love yourself how do you expect anyone else to - sometimes we all have to just put on those big pants and embrace life and not expect others to fill that void.

And saying at 25 that you expect to be on your own forever is just ridiculous, but then again with that kind of negative attitude it could come true, time to change that mind set and think more positively.

allypally1986 Thu 09-Jul-15 12:27:11

How are you coping with it all? Do you have anything you do that is particularly helping?

allypally1986 Thu 09-Jul-15 12:28:26

Thanks jan I appreciate the straight talk!! I'm not always this pathetic, just having a low moment at work. I'm normally very independent!!

KatieScarlettreregged Thu 09-Jul-15 12:28:55

It's been 2 weeks, you're still in the "I'm going to die alone surrounded by cats" stage.
It will pass.

allypally1986 Thu 09-Jul-15 12:34:27

Yeah I guess I am. I bloody hope it passes!! Thanks

hidingbehindsmile Thu 09-Jul-15 12:42:44

I am coping by being quite practical really, its a big change as I have moved out theres a house to sort finances etc. My work has been a good distraction this week and I have tried to make plans for the coming days really even if its just going for a walk or swim. When I do those things I do think about the situation, sometimes I become emotional thinking of the good times but it has confirmed to me we have made the right choice to end it as I dont miss him that much. I keep talking about the future, things I want to do and at some point I hope to meet someone new however I want to enjoy being me first.

ohlamour Thu 09-Jul-15 12:55:36

I'm in the same situation. It's a month today, went NC and I still think about him all the time & want to call him. It's horrible & I'm hoping it will pass soon... Other posters are right tho, you've got to get on & do other things. I've been dog walking & reading to take my mind off it. Doesn't really work (!) but there are a few mins when I'm not thinking about him!

allypally1986 Thu 09-Jul-15 13:11:13

I'm finding it difficult because I'm not sure I made the right decision to end it... I miss him like crazy! But he's not interested in fixing it now I've taken the step of actually breaking up with him so it's not like I have any choice in the matter now.

I am trying to make plans and fill my life back up, it's just tough isn't it!!! I spent so long thinking about our future together that I forgot my own. Maybe that was the mistake I made and why our relationship fell apart. But surely you aren't supposed to think about your life alone when you are in a long term relationship - surely you are supposed to start seeing the future with plans for the both of you?!

I'm also planning swimming and seeing friends and getting involved with local politics and all the stuff I did do anyway but now have a lot more time for...

KatieScarlettreregged Thu 09-Jul-15 13:17:27

But you were unhappy in the relationship and he doesn't care enough to change.
Even if you got back together today, you would only be kicking the can up the road for a bit until you had to split up with him again.

allypally1986 Thu 09-Jul-15 13:32:06

Yeah... kicking the can up the road seems so appealing right now though!! I'm usually a sane and rational person, I don't know what has happened to me lately!

makingyourlove Thu 09-Jul-15 13:46:10

OP, I could have written this myself only a few months ago!!

Especially the part about not wanting to go out and get drunk and also the part about not thinking about your own life as you were so focused on one together.

I was absolutely devastated..we lived together and had been together for 3 years. I was 25.5 when it ended. I thought I would be alone forever and cried and wanted him back. But a strange thing happened...after about a month, I woke up one day and suddenly realised that if I tried to get back with my ex, and it worked, would I be happy? Properly happy? I realised that I wouldn't. And if I got back with him, then the risk of having that life I wanted - companionship, sharing a life etc would be even more unlikely to happen. That's because my ex, like yours, wasnt giving me the security and companionship I needed. So, in actual fact, it's MORE risky that you will end up alone if you try and stay with your ex.... if that makes sense? This is what pulled me through. I looked at the relationships around me that reflected what I wanted in someone...security, a base and a future, and decided i deserved that, too. And my ex was no demon...he just didnt want those thigns and I did/do.

So, 3 weeks after coming to this realisation, I've met somone absolutely lovely and amazing. It might not last, and funnily enough, I am ok with that as I am ok with waiting until the right one comes along. But if it does last...well then I'm going to be all the more glad I ended something with someone who couldnt give me what I needed in a relationship.

For what it's worth, security and companionship and sharing a future are NOT big asks. You will find this in someone else quickly, once you're ready to date again.

I know it's shit now, but imagine wasting another 2 years on him and being even more alone and missing out on that someone who WILL be around the corner, I promise you that.

Oh, and just as an aside, I dont know how old your ex was, but I would date older guys in their early thirties..you sound like you are ready to settle down, and from my experience men in their thirties are generally a lot more at that point than those in their twenties!

Good luck smile

allypally1986 Thu 09-Jul-15 14:07:40

Thank you so much it's so good to hear from someone going through the same thing!! My ex is 30 but probably not a particularly mature one.

I hope so badly I have the same realisation as you. He tells me that I wasn't seeing the bigger picture and we could have had all that eventually. But I was supposed to wait indefinitely and/or issue him an ultimatum, neither of which I was prepared to do.

Everyone keeps telling me I was brave to do it, but I don't feel brave right now!! I feel stupid!! Your story had given me hope though smile

KatieScarlettreregged Thu 09-Jul-15 14:15:28

Of course it is appealing.
It's the quickest way to stop the hurt after all.
But it is not a cure. It's just delaying the inevitable and the hurt will begin all over again.
It is shit but I for one admire you for not settling for a substandard relationship. You deserve so much better.

allypally1986 Thu 09-Jul-15 14:20:35

makingyourlove can I ask how you met your new man??

And how you came to the realisation that your ex wasn't giving you what you needed?

Mine wouldn't even live with me. My life seemed to be getting more 'single' with every month that passed. He even randomly went to Kenya for a holiday on his own using up half his annual leave and meaning I started looking for holidays I could go to on my own. Then I thought... Why am I doing this? This isn't the life I want with a long term partner

Jan45 Thu 09-Jul-15 15:08:39

Ally, you actually sound totally switched on, and you did do the right thing, at 25 you have plenty of time to still find the one.

allypally1986 Thu 09-Jul-15 16:06:54

Thanks. It's so hard to know if I did the right thing. I don't want to be pining after him years from now. But I guess that's life, and I have to go with my instinct.... especially as I've already done it now and have no options anymore!!

makingyourlove Thu 09-Jul-15 16:15:56

OP, I met him online. And I never, ever thought I would want to do that. It's nowhere near as daunting as you think, if you go on the paid sites it sifts out people who are just messing about.

I don't think you've made the wrong decision. If you felt so rubbish that you wanted to end it, and he used half his anual leave for things not with you....that's weird to my mind and not something I would want in a man, (hence why I ended it with my ex).

Also, my ex sounds very very similar to yours. He was 29 and although he was lovely to me most of the time, he just missed the whole point of planning a life with someone. He said all the right things but action wise there was nothing. I feel so much better now I know I am on the way to finding all that properly...whether it is with this current guy or not, at least I'm a lot closer to finding it than I was with my ex.

And the lonliness will go away for the most part. I absolutely love time to myself now I'm used to it again!

allypally1986 Thu 09-Jul-15 16:21:54

Are our exes the same man? That's exactly what mine did, he said all the right things but it just never transpired into anything. And he couldn't understand why that wore me down.

Thanks so much, it's so brilliant to hear from someone that's done the same thing and come out the other side. I'm definitely not opposed to internet dating but am fairly repulsed by the idea of men who aren't my ex right now. Hoping that doesn't last!!

makingyourlove Thu 09-Jul-15 16:45:49

It won't! The man I'm seeing is very different to my ex in many ways, and I think I'm falling for him more than with my ex...honestly!

You're just in that phase where it's all lonely and rubbish. Remember that if you stayed with him, you'd be just as lonely when he's jetting off away without you and you're waiting around to build a life with someone who essentially isn't interested in that like you are. There wil be plenty of men who are!

And I can't believe I'm typing the above... only a few months ago I was utterly distraught and felt like I would be alone forever. I could barely even go into work!

It gets better, trust me.

Ouchbloodyouch Thu 09-Jul-15 17:24:30

I wish I had been as switched on as you at your age. I'd see the relationship right to its bitter end and of course it wouldn't improve..
I know it hurts now but it was in all likelihood going to hurt anyway. You have made such a good decision. Don't settle.

allypally1986 Thu 09-Jul-15 19:06:00

Thanks everyone. This thread has made me feel a million times better. If only I could bottle this feeling and use it in low moments!!

goddessofsmallthings Thu 09-Jul-15 19:19:23

You can! All you have to do is save the thread and read it as and when necessary. smile

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