Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is this a slippery slope?

(28 Posts)
Tumbpin Wed 08-Jul-15 09:37:44

Yesterday I realised by chance that dh uses tumblr and pinterest to look at "tasteful" erotic pictures - I guess that's kind of ok, but then I also saw that he had contacted two female pinners, sending them private messages complimenting them on their boards and "good eye", and asking one where she lived.... I'm not sure what to make of this?

gatewalker Wed 08-Jul-15 09:42:26

Why would he want to know where she lives if he's only interested in her "good eye"?

Have you spoken to him about it?

Tumbpin Wed 08-Jul-15 09:46:05

No I'm still trying to process it really.

gatewalker Wed 08-Jul-15 09:49:13

I would talk, and as soon as possible, as hard as that is. His reaction and response will help you decide what to do next.

But most of all: trust your gut. So many of us cut ourselves off from this incredibly valuable resource - or let others cut us off from it with their words. Notice how you feel and be inclined to trust it.

gatewalker Wed 08-Jul-15 09:50:20

And by "feel" I don't mean the surface emotions of anxiety or fear or anger. This is not an emotion, but an unspoken sense of what to do. It lies beyond emotion.

Tumbpin Wed 08-Jul-15 10:07:10

I'm not entirely sure I know what you mean by your last message!

gatewalker Wed 08-Jul-15 10:11:26

No matter what he says, or doesn't say, go with your gut response, which kind of lies underneath any surface emotions you might be feeling (in other words, your gut response will not be fear-, anxiety- or rage-driven). It will be a clear statement or instruction. Does that make more sense?

Tumbpin Wed 08-Jul-15 10:13:16

Yes it does, thank you

gatewalker Wed 08-Jul-15 10:16:12

I have quite surprised myself by what comes out of my mouth in critical moments like these - and they have been frequently empowering!

Tumbpin Wed 08-Jul-15 11:50:02

Interested what others think?

expectantmum79 Wed 08-Jul-15 13:52:27

I think gate walker summed it up well with "trust your gut instinct"
If you wait for proof you're only making yourself miserable in the process.

Why would he need to know where she was from?

I had suspicions for a long time regarding my ex and wish I'd acted on the sooner, after we split (7years) several people came out of the woodwork to say he was a cheat.

Sorry if this isn't the sort of thing you want to hear; I know how it torments the brain.xx

Tumbpin Wed 08-Jul-15 20:03:27

I find it so seedy, him following all these women who are young enough to be his daughter confused

AnyFucker Wed 08-Jul-15 20:07:10

how can you respect a man that does stuff like this ?

I would have to put him out for being an embarassing middle aged lech

Tumbpin Wed 08-Jul-15 20:51:35

��

Janette123 Wed 08-Jul-15 20:59:48

Tumbpin,
This is inappropriate.
You need to talk to him about this and tell him it needs to stop - now.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 08-Jul-15 21:01:47

Do you really want to continue sharing a bed with a sad sack who's fantasising about getting his leg over with much younger women and who has resorted to using an alleged shared taste for erotica in the hope that he'll get lucky?

I suggest you check out what else he's been looking at and then check out of this marriage before he does.

Tumbpin Wed 08-Jul-15 21:04:56

I had a look at his tumblr and he actually has hardcore porn on there - this is on the phone he lets ds play games on shock

Tumbpin Wed 08-Jul-15 21:05:32

I bet when I confront him he'll attack me for invading his privacy or something

goddessofsmallthings Wed 08-Jul-15 21:16:22

Of course there was going to be far more than 'tasteful' erotica and the fact that it's stored on a phone your ds plays with suggests he's a porn addict. I wonder what a search of his computer history would show up?

If he attacks you for invading his privacy, tell him you'll set the thought police onto him and you'll be applying brain bleach by way of a divorce petition which will erase him and his unsavoury habits from your life.

Sleepsoftly Wed 08-Jul-15 21:22:58

Why should he assume it's who he thinks it is on the other end of the internet? What an idiot.

How did you arrive at the "tasteful" label. Did he tell you that?

I cant remember who says it, but some global health/diet movement believe that all our body and soul messages come from the colon. I think its south east asia or similar. Trust your gut is the unrefined Western way of arriving at the same result. So I was told.

Tumbpin Wed 08-Jul-15 21:37:03

No it's just what I thought - black and white etc, though nothing tasteful about the tumblr stuff

AnyFucker Wed 08-Jul-15 22:22:07

exposing a minor to porn is sexual abuse of that child

how would he feel if you accused him of that ?

mexica Wed 08-Jul-15 23:29:08

I'm living this at the moment. First found out he did stuff like this 5 year's ago.
He promised to stop and I think he did for a while.
We had a child and I discovered whilst pregnant he was at it again. I made him leave but caved in and allowed him back after he convinced me it would never happen again. Just recently I found him doing something similar. This time I haven't got the energy to shout. I'm exhausted with a baby, full time job and I'm done trying to reason with him.
He's ruined my confidence, It's effected my physical and mental health.
He's still here thinking everything's ok.
I juat haven't the energy for a show down right now.

So in answer to your question. Yes I do believe it's a slippery slope. There's a level of disrespect to do this in the first place. My fella was just more careful about hiding it

crustsaway Wed 08-Jul-15 23:37:07

How on earth could you respect him now OP.

For me love and respect go hand in hand.

Morganly Wed 08-Jul-15 23:59:20

Porn usage seems to be very common so that's up to you whether you find it unacceptable or not.

Contacting random women strangers via social media, definitely unacceptable.

Do you want to address both at once?

Regarding privacy invasion, you could say that you were so shocked by his contacting women over the internet you wanted to know the extent of his sleazy behaviour which as his wife is obviously important for you to know.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now