ex still has access to house

[DoingBetterNow]

I split up with my ex just over 18 months ago (after some very wise advice here and finally realising he was very controlling and treating me very badly)

We were not married. No children. Together for 12 years and he is on the deeds for the house. He's been living with his new girlfriend for just over a year now, I've recently got agreement from the bank to have the mortgage in my name and have instructed a solicitor to take ex off the deeds. He's happy with this, it was his idea as he wants off mortgage.

However, even though we have agreed what he is taking from the house and I have agreed times he can come and collect things (he's still storing a lot here as he's selling it) he keeps coming back at other times and taking additional things. ( This sounds really petty written down. )

If I challenge him I get "I haven't signed yet..." or he denies things have gone, or says they never existed.

My solicitor is on holiday till next week. I know I can't change the locks but can I leave my key in the front door and use the back instead (he doesn't have a key for that). Could he just break in? And what do I do when he kicks off?

I'm so close to this ending but the stress is getting to much :-(

[pocketsaviour]

Yes, of course you can do that. If he left over a year ago then my understanding would be that he's given up rights to enter the property, but check with a solicitor on that.

You could also lose your keys of course, which means you'd have to get the locks changed. And he can ask you for a copy of the new key, and you can say "Sorry, keep forgetting. But as you're signing off the deeds soon it doesn't matter, does it? Why don't you just pop by at the time we agreed to take the rest of your never-ending pile of belongings?"

[DoingBetterNow]

Thanks pocket. He just has a way of twisting and manipulating me so I can't think straight. It sounds so logical when someone else says it. I'm just so tired of his games and getting grief.

[Morganly]

Yes you can leave the key in the door and use the back door. If he breaks in call the police. If he kicks off call the police. I don't know what the legal position is with regard to him breaking in but the police will be able to advise you.

I don't think you sound petty at all. You've made an agreement about what he can take and he's ignoring it. Write down all the things he's taken that you haven't agreed on and when your solicitor is back ask him/her if there's anything you can do about getting them back.

[DoingBetterNow]

He'll have sold everything he's taken. He owes me money too but is planning on storing some larger furniture here. I'll get the solicitor to agree that I get payment by x date or I keep the furniture.

He's got everything he wanted. He should just walk away and leave me alone.

[Thisismyfirsttime]

Lose your keys. Forget to tell him you've lost your keys (he is not living there after all, perfectly reasonable not to immediately let him know!) and if he tries to come over at a time you haven't agreed you can tell him you lost them and ask him why he wanted to gain access when it wasn't agreed to since you haven't been denying him access when he's requested it. If he breaks in I'd call the police on the non emergency line and explain the above, that you forgot to tell him and haven't been stopping him retrieving his things. If he broke in and left he'd be inviting chancers after him and what about your insurance??

[DoingBetterNow]

Thanks. Feeling better after panicking earlier about the fall out. Hate that after 18 months he can still mess with my head so much!

[Lulioli]

Honey he is still controlling you but now from a distance. What an arse he is! Do not stray from anything legal. Do not panic. But rethink your own emotional boundaries and stick to them. He is messing with your head just like he always did. Be strong and hold your nerve when dealing with him. Have you RL support? Can someone be at the house when he comes to collect stuff?

[DoingBetterNow]

Lulioli - yes have friends who are all very supportive, but at the end of the day I'm on my own when ex kicks off. I have arranged for someone to be there on the agreed collection day too.

I find myself giving in just to make it stop, which doesn't work as the demands or his behaviour just escalate. Can't believe I'm this much of a push over, I don't even recognise myself. Realise now how much his behaviour over the years has effected me.

Going to get solicitors to write a letter detailing last collection day and money he owes me to go out with forms. Makes it more formal but I'm worried he just won't sign as it will piss him off if it looks like I'm taking control. I need to get some back bone.

[Purpleball]

As things keep going missing I'm worried I've been burgled so I've changed the locks. Let me know when you need access as you'll not be needing a key.

Simples, you can change the locks, you can't deny access until it's all signed

[junebirthdaygirl]

If he is taking furniture or contents that dont belong to him could you take a photo of every room so he can't say they never existed.

[DoingBetterNow]

June, the photo thingb would have been great 12months ago! Didn't think of it, didn't think he would take things!

Purpleball, I think I will use that as the reason if he kicks off.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I think you can change the locks if he doesn't officially live there, not sure though - legal advice would be good. A landlord, for example, owns a house but does not have the right to just swan in there when he/she feels like it.