Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

We're both still married and it's really complicated / stressing me out…

(368 Posts)
nappyrat Tue 07-Jul-15 15:26:06

I am separated (living apart for some time, but not yet divorced) from my husband and have a DS. I recently met a guy who I really like. He invited me out for a drink, and I was under the impression he was separated, but it became clear during the drink that he wasn't, and I told him that I wasn't interested unless that situation changed.

We kept talking, and went out a few more times, and to be honest, it genuinely seems that he has been waiting for years to separate from his wife. He has now finally done it. Partly I am sure, because he knew we had no future unless he did, but not totally because of this, I think he suddenly saw what life could be by meeting me.

He has 3 children who live with his wife in Los Angeles. He goes back there once a month or so (his job is UK based) to see them for around a week.

This guy has been incredibly honest with me so far, and he has now told his wife he wants to separate. But - and there is a big but here for me - he says he is planning to remain living in the martial home (in a separate, downstairs room, it's a v large house apparently) so that he can maximise his time with his children when he is back visiting them.

So, what is the issue!?!?
He has split up with her, and has no intention of backtracking - I believe this
It is completely understandable that he wants to spend as much time with his kids whilst he is there (and I would think less of a man who didn't want to do this)
But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this. And I don't know why or how to articulate it or if it is even rational.

I would really appreciate some advice. Pls be kind, I am trying to do the right thing. It's just that the 'right thing' seems extremely complicated. The right thing in my mind is to be completely separated (i.e. moved out) before getting involved, but I can see his argument re. his kids, who he sees little enough of anyway.

AnyFucker Tue 07-Jul-15 15:30:56

perhaps you should have a chat with his wife ?

her replies might shed a different light...

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 07-Jul-15 15:31:04

I'm not sure that I'd believe he had separated at all sadly.

Fatstacks Tue 07-Jul-15 15:31:42

Why wouldn't he split and live close by?
See the dc but not be part of his wife's life?

I think your gut is right.

lunar1 Tue 07-Jul-15 15:32:06

I wouldn't be with someone in this circumstance, it sounds like he has been seeing you while his relationship continued with his wife. The lines are just too blurred and there has been no time for him to actually get over the end of his relationship.

nappyrat Tue 07-Jul-15 15:32:57

No, he has separated, I know this. Although I can understand why you would question that.

AF - not sure exactly what you mean…?

Fatstacks Tue 07-Jul-15 15:34:47

If you speak to his wife she will probably be surprised her marriage has ended.
Or at least surprised that you exist.

Everythinghaschanged Tue 07-Jul-15 15:35:10

His children are in LA and he goes back a week a month to see them? It sounds complicated enough as it is without him living on the family home too.

How on earth do you know he has been 'incredibly honest' with you?

Hmmm he has unfinished business at home. He should not have started a relationship with you.

nappyrat Tue 07-Jul-15 15:36:37

Fastacks - he doesn't want to do this because he simply - and probably in the long term it is unrealistic i think - wants to spend as much time with his kids, the getting up with them / putting the to bed etc. And he wouldn't get this if he moved out, particularly because of the only being back once a month or so…I do realise this is not ideal but it is just a shit situation and I think he's desperately trying to make the best of it. Although probably he - and certainly I - feel that it's not going to work like this long term - e.g. when he does make it clear he is in a new relationship.

Lunar1 - I know, it's not ideal / how I would have planned it/ But it's happened this way, and we really like each other. And we're trying to make it work.

AuntyMag10 Tue 07-Jul-15 15:36:56

This man and his whole situation seem more hassle than it's worth. His children are always going to be in another country, How long are you prepared to put up with all the complications his setup brings.

Morganly Tue 07-Jul-15 15:38:12

I think this is cruel to his wife. He claims he has been planning to separate but only got round to telling her once he'd got the next woman lined up. Then he is planning to stick around in the same house with her and the children while he goes off and has sex with you. How is she going to feel when she knows he is out with you, having sex with you but then coming back to their house all loved up and satisfied? Stupid, selfish, thoughtless man.

AnyFucker Tue 07-Jul-15 15:39:18

he hasn't told his wife anything has he ?

AuntyMag10 Tue 07-Jul-15 15:40:25

Will you be fine them carrying on as a family once a month for a week? How confusing for those poor kids. Also are you ok knowing that he might possibly change his mind when on family mode. As I said more hassle than it's worth.

whitsernam Tue 07-Jul-15 15:40:26

I think it is stressing you out for a very good reason: you are the OW. Bin.

AnyFucker Tue 07-Jul-15 15:40:49

also, you said you "weren't interested" while he was still with his wife, but you carried on seeing him hmm

Fatstacks Tue 07-Jul-15 15:41:49

If you really want to do the right thing then stop seeing him.

While this tangled life carries on you can't be certain of anything.

It isn't ideal and it's great he loves his kids but how can living with his ex be good for them?
What happens when his ex gets a new partner?
Nobody wants to hurt the kids by moving out but it's a necessity if a relationship ends.

Until then the relationship hasn't ended.

lunar1 Tue 07-Jul-15 15:42:12

I'm sorry but this is where you have to be a grown up. There are children involved and you are not star struck teenagers. You know it isn't right, what on earth message does it send to his children happy families one week a month then gets in a plane to see you? I would hate this for my children.

murphys Tue 07-Jul-15 15:43:46

Sorry OP but it sounds like he is spinning you a story. How do you know that he has definitely separated? He is still seeing his wife once a month as from what is sounds like, has been happening for some time. If they have really separated, why would his wife allow him to live with her for one week of each month....

nappyrat Tue 07-Jul-15 15:46:38

OK…

AF - he has told his wife he wants to separate. He has not told her about me (not that there is much to tell TBH). She was not that surprised. And yes, I was not a witness to this, but I do believe him. And I can't say anymore than that.

Morganly - I agree, it is cruel to his wife. It was cruel on my husband when we split up. Break ups are incredibly soul-destroying. sad I don't want this situation to persist, but I am trying to articulate why it should not.

AuntyMag10 - I agree, I have thought this many times. But at the same time, I have complications - a DS - and I also really like this guy. I would like a chance at happiness with him if it's possible.

Everythinghaschanged - I know he has been honest. I have no way of proving it, admittedly. But I believe him. I have to trust my judgement on this one.

RoobyTuesday Tue 07-Jul-15 15:49:23

So how exactly do you know he has really seperated from his wife? Have you heard it from her? I think he 's playing you like a fiddle and you are seeing only what you want to see, sorry op hmm

nappyrat Tue 07-Jul-15 15:50:53

To be honest, I think the reason he is currently planning on staying in their house is that he just cannot handle the idea of telling the kids and moving out right now in addition to what he has already done. I think pretty soon (like in the next few weeks), he will realise it is unrealistic to stay in the house, and make plans to move out.

The way i think he sees it is that he has told her, and that was a massive, massive deal for him (and her), and he is wanting to let that settle with her for a while before they tell the kids. I think he believes by doing it gently / slowly and allowing her to come to terms with it, it will be easier to then agree how to tell the kids.

I kind of get that…makes sense. I think he himself will come to see that living in the same house is not do-able for much longer...

AnyFucker Tue 07-Jul-15 15:51:33

if you trusted your own judgement you wouldn't be seeking validation from strangers

nappyrat Tue 07-Jul-15 15:53:06

Rooby - I only know because he has told me, and a mutual friend.

I can so see why you are all saying I am begin strung along, it's just i know this is not the case. And that's not what i am questioning here, I am looking for advice on the situation re. him living for the time being in the same house, and why - rationally - that is not a sensible idea for me - Emotionally, it's crap, but I need rational reasons why it's bad.

answersonapostcardplease Tue 07-Jul-15 15:55:01

Run for the hills.

nappyrat Tue 07-Jul-15 15:55:18

AF - I know, I think I am struggling with my own judgement here. sad I have been in a really low place the last year, and have just the last few months got out of it and have begun to feel great again, and this has just started to make me question stuff again.

i know the simple answer is to say, bin it, it's too complicated / blurred / not perfect. I have thought that many times. But my judgement is that it is worth trying for. I just need help articulating my frustration / concerns.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now