Dear all, I will give a brief history first.
I had a very difficult upbringing which resulted in me finding men very scarey amongst other issues. I only had one boyfriend in my 20s which was on and off and he treated me badly. I had psyco therapy for 10 years which was painful but worth it. I then met my current husband when I was 42. We married and I had a child at 44. He also comes from a difficult past, Father very abusive alcoholic and violent to him and his sister. We both experienced real fear growing up
We both have issues I suppose. We are on our third lot of family therapy to try and address this. I have been very critical and can be cold towards him. (Mainly when I need to protect myself). He has hit me approx once a year over 6 years. He did move out last year for a week and I told him he needed anger management and that The Everyman project was good. He signed himself up but didn't go. He said "I'm not like them" he then said he would go to the gym to manage his stress and anger better. He's been 4 times. This therapy has helped though. He does take more responsibility for his actions more and I don't press his buttons and escalate it when I can see he's angry. He hasn't hit me since September last year.
I thought we were OK however he has major issues with noise. I had a flat which he lived in with me, he couldn't stand noise and he was scared in the evening walking back from the station.!!!!!. We needed to move as I was pregnant and I had the money for a large deposit as we needed 20% at the time. We moved 5 years ago. Its a terraced house with bay fronted windows.. Neighbours drive there cars onto the drive. On one side he things they may be listening to us if our window is open. He also put up big bushes in the back due to him needing privacy. We have new neighbours one the other side with 4 children. He's pushed me twice to speak to her and get them to be quieter. (I'm not going again). It's his problem I know but he makes it very unbearable at times. He's now been demanding we move!!!. We can't move in London too expensive. I don't want to move back to my home town as my family are very dysfunctional and we would have more problems added.
He has also had problems at work (his boss is female and I wonder if he likes women) he had 3 months off with stress after Xmas. His mother and him are very close. She's had strokes so her short term memory is bad. There is no use going for more than 20 mins. When she's in hospital he gets stressed. His sleep gets affected and he needed sleeping tablets and diazepan. She was in during May. He has poor sleep hygiene.
He does little around the house. He's no DIY skills but there are jobs he can do but doesn't. His excuse is 'we are busy'. He will wash up and cook and takes our son out o Sat to give me a break. I work 15 hours each week. It took him 3 years to mow the garden every month after a friend too him that "Mary shouldn't have to remind you to do I". I really thought we were moving forward with this therapy. I was happy. I've made new friends at school and at the church we go to. We are managing rows better, less destructive. I felt it was " more normal" however he dissatisfied = he has problems with the neighbours and he feels he's not acheived in his career. He went to Cambridge and got as first class degree and he sees people on TV and in the papers who went there and appear to have done well. Yes as I'm writing I can see " its all about him". Ivve not been good at identifying my needs. Do I stay _ it will be hard to separated due to our past and the shared love we have for our son. He does love him and tells me he loves me (although he has called me a bitch a couple of times recently). We both hopefully protect our son from some of this.
I welcome your advice. Thanks for reading. Mary.
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Is this normal in a relationship????
20 replies
Mary1935 · 06/07/2015 14:51
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