Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm struggling to share a house with my partner

(18 Posts)
FacingRealityIn2014 Sun 05-Jul-15 21:09:09

My dp moved in with me in December He still has he's own home but most of he's stuff has been moved in.

I have always lived on my own with my 10 year old dd and I'm struggling to get used to him being here. Don't get me wrong he's really good, helpsout around tthe house, if he sees something that needs doing I dont need to ask he gets on and does it and he's good with my daughter. I find him very thoughtless in some ways such as changing shifts without warning and no thought to the fact I have to change my plans to accommodate. He is also a Disney dad to my dd which drives me potty! Ice cream before dinner is not good and no is not an option on bedtime or homework! But the thing that is truly driving me mad is he keeps moving things. Every day I go to do something and spend ages searching for things. My house is tidy and everything has a place so why is it so hard to put things back where you find them?

We have spoken about these issues before and things get better for a couple of weeks and then go nack to how they were. Today it got too much for me and I went and bought a packet of cigarettes. .. I haven't smoked in 15 years!!!

I'm posting on my pgone so im sorry for the mistakes but I'd appreciate any advice on how to deal with this before I end up telling him to leave

Offred Sun 05-Jul-15 22:04:28

Sounds like a fairly normal teething stage IMO. Surely you need to let him move some things and he needs to get better at considering you before changing shifts and also learn how to be a parent - does he not have any DC of his own?

SugarOnTop Mon 06-Jul-15 00:17:57

i would be firm with him about maintaining the rules re your dc but re everything else - you don't seriously expect him to do everything YOUR way?!!! it's supposed to be his home too.

FacingRealityIn2014 Mon 06-Jul-15 06:06:59

Reading my post back after a good night's realise how neurotic I sound. No of course I don't expect everything my own way which is why I now have thing such as spare bathroom stuff in a drawer under my bed rather than in the now empty cupboard in the bathroom, and the spare bedding that lived in that drawer is now in a cupboard downstairs in the livingroom lol.

But some of the things recently have been moving my keys meaning I was trapped in the house making me late, he actually threw my work security card in tge rubbish and when asked why just said I don't know. I left my dd swimming kit by the front door as usual the night before she needed it and he moved it into the cleaning cupboard and yesterday I discovered he'd thrown part of my ice cream maker in the bin bin because he didn't know what it was.

He always knows where everything is but works in a job where I can not call to ask so have to do a mad hunt at 6am.

He does have grown up children of hes own but maybe he was the same them when they were growing up. I will try and relax and hope things settle soon.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 06-Jul-15 07:08:10

I do not like the sound of this man at all.

No you are not neurotic but he will make you so if he is allowed to carry on like this. He is confusing you perhaps deliberately and he has already caused you to start smoking again.

I would be asking him to move out now, this is really not working. You've already talked to him and any change on his part was short lived. That should tell you all there is to know about him.

Why is he moving such around anyway?. It sounds like he is somehow trying to assert his own authority here, this could be a way of asserting power and control over you. Did he seem truly remorseful when for instance you had discovered that he had thrown your security pass in the rubbish; I do wonder whether he has done all this to somehow undermine you in your home. His response of "I don't know" does not cut it; he did this for a reason.

antimatter Mon 06-Jul-15 07:10:49

Why is he throwing any things which don't belong to him?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 06-Jul-15 07:11:27

Facingreality,

re your comment:-

"No of course I don't expect everything my own way which is why I now have thing such as spare bathroom stuff in a drawer under my bed rather than in the now empty cupboard in the bathroom, and the spare bedding that lived in that drawer is now in a cupboard downstairs in the livingroom lol"

lol is inappropriate here; this is not funny at all.

What's his relationship history like with women and also with his own grown up children?.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain Mon 06-Jul-15 07:12:30

I would be very concernd at him 'moving' your keys, binning your work ID and chucking your things in the bin.

I'm very prone to seeing red flags but to me that's borderline abusive. It says that he doesn't care about your job - making you late and compromising your access are both potential disciplinary issues. Binning your things says he doesn't think your possessions are of any value.

If it's not working and he's still got his place, move him out again. There's no law that says you have to live together.

woowoo22 Mon 06-Jul-15 07:14:17

He sounds horrid, wtf re throwing your work pass in the bin?!

Is he anal about the house being tidy to the nth degree, but only when it is your and DDs stuff?

Singsongsung Mon 06-Jul-15 07:15:11

How does he feel about your job? Moving your keys and throwing away your security pass suggests that he doesn't like it? Bit of a red flag OP.

DoreenLethal Mon 06-Jul-15 07:19:03

This is not teething problems, this is downright control.

Sorry love, you need to reconsider this guy in your house pronto. Put the brakes on, move into reverse and get your house back.

Offred Mon 06-Jul-15 07:20:13

Yes, in agreement. New revelations put a totally different spin on things. The first post made me think it'd be putting the mugs back in the wrong cupboard or something else inoccuous. Move him back out again, it seems like he is trying to sabotage your job.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 06-Jul-15 07:22:56

I also think he knows full well what he is doing here; this is all being done to undermine you as a person.

I am wondering if he is actually now in the process of gaslighting you OP: (and I did think of this behaviour on initially reading your post).

PurpleWithRed Mon 06-Jul-15 07:25:08

Move him out, he's undermining you left right and centre - daughter, keys, pass etc are all unacceptable. And moving stuff to places that make absolutely no sense. He may not be doing it consciously or maliciously but he's doing it and he isn't going to stop so you need to move him back out for your DDs sake as well as your own.

happyh0tel Mon 06-Jul-15 07:50:47

He has his own house ask him to move back out !

Guiltypleasures001 Mon 06-Jul-15 08:19:50

Hi op sorry lovely I too heard the klaxon when reading he's hiding things, I thought instantly he's trying to drive you mad. Probably sounds mad from a stranger but my spidy senses are tingling.

Howsithanging Mon 06-Jul-15 09:19:10

No one moves another person's keys. You just don't.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 06-Jul-15 12:22:12

Yes, I thought when I saw your OP you meant using things and then putting them back in the wrong place. Moving things he has no reason to touch to peculiar illogical places is a sign of... something or other. Gaslighting did spring to mind, as did some form of mental illness. It is also most definitely not his place to do the "Disney dad" act to someone else's child!

Agree with others, this does not appear to be working so perhaps a polite acknowledgement that you're better off living separately is in order - quickly before he sells or rents out his own place.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now