Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help -feeling so low, don't know what to do

(34 Posts)
sarsiem Sun 05-Jul-15 09:29:34

I posted back in May about my relationship. Been married 16 years, 2 dd's 14 and 12. H quite controlling over money, never wanted to improve the house, lots of stress and tension in the house, he has been complaining to people for years about the state of our relationship. I just tried to keep going for the childrens sake, thought things might get easier as time goes on. H was sacked twice in 2014 so money has been tight. This was after running his own business for 8 years, racking up a huge tax bill and other debts. He was not good at chasing invoices so we lost thousands in unpaid bills. I work so we've paid the mortgage etc. Anyway, earlier this year H had EA with a friend of his, they kissed. He left for a couple of days then came back saying we could sort things out. I have had fantastic support from family and friends. (Mostly, apart from one relative saying she hopes I can stick it out)I don't think I would have survived without them. Basically we are living separate lives in the same house. We still haven't told our dd's as they've had exams, birthdays etc.

Everything now feels like a massive uphill battle. My eldest knew I'd been upset on Friday and was upset herself seeing me like that. I can't go on much longer like this. H says he can't afford to move out. I told him last night that the relationship is over for me and I want a trial separation.

Someone please tell me what to do. Or tell me things will improve. It doesn't feel like they will at the moment.

Goodbetterbest Sun 05-Jul-15 09:43:47

OP, you have absolutely done the right thing. The relationship is over, and has been for a long time by the sounds of it.

I think the first thing to do is see a solicitor - most give a free 30 minute session and it can be worth seeing a few to find one you like. I found it important that I had one I felt 'safe' with.

I think that once you get some practical things in place you will see things clearer. Have a look on entitledto.com for any benefits you might receive.

Telling the children is hard, the hardest thing I have ever done. But from what you've said, it won't come as a surprise. Mine seem to be secure and happy - and we generally have a happier household. We told them at Christmas and I haven't seen any anguish or trouble. In fact, they are happier and more relaxed. DC3 has said 'you're so much happier mum'. I know I've done the right thing.

It is hard. But it WILL be ok.

yougotafriend Sun 05-Jul-15 11:05:05

Children know so much more than you think. DS1 (17 at the time) was really upset but admitted his reaction was only because he knew it was real.

My stbxh wouldn't go, so I did... I rent nearby, would this be an option for you? DC stayed with their dad, it's worked out ok, maybe because they're boys and older (18 & 17 now). we'll sell the house next year when DS2 goes to uni.

sarsiem Sat 11-Jul-15 00:17:49

Thanks for the replys. I have hit rock bottom. H doesn't want me to tell our DD's. He has tried to persuade me tonight not to tell them. I was planning to tell them tomorrow as I have a week off work and they have finished school for the summer. I just can't do this anymore. I am so confused and unsure of myself and what I want.

I did say tonight to him that we need to keep things amicable and he did agree. I suppose that's something. He just keeps saying he can't afford to move out but I know that I need some space.

I just want to be on the other side of all this. Settled somewhere with my girls living a calm peaceful life, not dreading hearing the key in the door.

WingsofNylon Sat 11-Jul-15 00:25:05

Holding your hand. Definitely talk to a solicitors and do talk to the children. It sounds well and truly over and to getting it out in the open will help you move forward.

sarsiem Sat 11-Jul-15 00:54:57

Thank you. I do think that if I tell the girls it will start to to move things on. H just keeps telling me I am destroying their happiness and this is the last night of their innocence. And that I must be due on.

sofato5miles Sat 11-Jul-15 01:08:45

He's just trying to manipulate you. He knows his behaviour has been awful and doesn't want his failures and the consequences to be public ( especially ) to his children.

Honestly, it feels terrible now but this a rather large step in reclaiming your life. Don't let him derail you again.

Good luck.

whitsernam Sat 11-Jul-15 01:10:13

It sounds like he's trying to the shots. Perhaps he's worried about his own finances if he doesn't have you to support him? But that is not your problem. He is using the DDs as an excuse. If you are ready now, then now is sounding like a good time to tell them, especially with the school break. Moving things on is a good idea, in my book. Stay strong.

whitsernam Sat 11-Jul-15 01:12:53

Ack! Trying to CALL the shots even.

ps. I just looked up your previous post from May, since you mentioned it, and I think you really are doing the right thing!

sarsiem Sat 11-Jul-15 01:20:04

Thank you for replying. I am trying to stay strong but it isn't proving easy. I found out in May about his EA with a friend of his and have spent the last few months struggling to come to terms with it all and trying to decide the best thing to do. And trying to hide how low I am from my girls. I am about 90% certain that the relationship is over for me. I don't think I can go back.

sarsiem Sat 11-Jul-15 09:30:45

My parents divorced when I was 12. I was trying to think of the things that upset me the most at the time. Seeing my dad crying, not seeing my mum, seeing my younger brothers so upset. I told H this which now he has thrown in my face by coming into my room this morning crying saying my girls are going to see their dad crying. Give me strength. I can't cope with this anymore.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 11-Jul-15 11:34:48

(picture of Atlas with world on his shoulders) < strength emoticon> Have a bucketload, honey, and stand firm.

The situation he find himself in is entirely of his creation and he should of thought you and your girls before he bestowed his lust affections on another woman.

Tell him your mind is made up and there's no point in discussing it any further, take your girls out for lunch tomorrow and break the news in a matter of fact manner, and keep visualising the calm peaceful life you're going to have with them as soon as he's out of your home.

If you don't stand firm now you're going to have it all to do in the future and life is far too short to waste any of it on a failed marriage.

sarsiem Mon 13-Jul-15 07:35:42

Telling my beautiful girls was the worst thing I have ever done. I wish I hadnt. If I could go back in time I would.

Seeing them so upset was unbearable. We are all in so much pain. What do I do now. I haven't slept. My eldest couldn't sleep. She was awake until about 3 am. I cuddled her. I didn't think things could get any worse and they have.

sheswallowedafly Mon 13-Jul-15 07:41:31

Did you explain what their dad did, and the reasons behind your decision or did you spare them that information?

You've done the right thing OP flowers

sarsiem Mon 13-Jul-15 07:53:31

No I didn't tell them. Have a knot of anxiety in my chest.
He took them out for a walk last night and said he didn't know why I'd told them even though I've been telling him for weeks that I was going to tell them. My littlest was very upset, thankfully I walked to meet them and talked to her on the walk home. She went to bed after a lot of cuddling. My eldest couldn't sleep so we went down and watched TV until .the early hours. I think they are both still asleep now.

Footle Mon 13-Jul-15 07:53:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SonjasSister Mon 13-Jul-15 08:57:44

He isn't putting the dcs first here, is he, he's hiding behind them to stay in denial of his responsibility. They will realise eventually, to his detriment - unless on the other hand he does a bit of growing up now, fast, and REALLY accepts his responsibilities here, and agrees to talk rationally with you about how to keep the dcs feeling secure in your and his love , and in their future , despite the changes that have to happen.

I am not an expert on this and many others know more, but surely you have to work together on this and if he loves his dcs, which I assume he does, he has to accept that. Hugs to you all.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 13-Jul-15 09:09:24

He actually said that you must be due on?!?!

That one takes the fucking biscuit. God I would've wanted to kick him out just for that.

That tells you exactly what he thinks of women that does.

MostIneptThatEverStepped Mon 13-Jul-15 09:09:25

It sounds like you did the right thing and I completely and utterly understand how painful it was for you.
Had to have that talk with my 3 a few years back (my ex H's choice) and it was without a doubt the worst day of my life.
You will make it through, sounds as though you will do everything you can emotionally to support your DDs and they will love you all the more for it. Heartfelt best wishes to you.

sarsiem Mon 13-Jul-15 10:47:58

Thanks for the replies. Have helped me greatly. Younger daughter after a few tears this am has had breakfast and we're watching a film. Eldest still in bed. I feel anxious and a bit numb. So painful seeing your precious children so hurt and bewildered.

Have emailed some links to H about the best ways to support our children with all this. I only hope he reads and digests it. Trouble is that I don't think he knows what love is.

Jan45 Mon 13-Jul-15 10:55:08

Yes he can afford to move out, he could get a room somewhere to start off. He has to go, simple as that, the man has and is sucking the life out of you, he sounds a bloody nightmare and I wouldn't wish him on my worst enemy, stop playing his game and start putting yourself and your kids first, he's only concerned about himself, otherwise he would have wised up by now and made plans with you to split amicably, selfish git.

sarsiem Mon 13-Jul-15 11:09:08

I just texted him say has he read the link I sent about supporting the chidren and told him how the girls have been this am and his text back was ' really you do surprise me. Did you think she would have a party'

Every day that passes convinces me more and more that I am making the right decision.

Jan45 Mon 13-Jul-15 11:20:10

I would stop engaging with him OP, and only speak about practicalities from now on, he sounds thoroughly horrible. Take back that control!

jesy Mon 13-Jul-15 11:29:48

He a negative aspect of your life and needs to go.

sarsiem Mon 13-Jul-15 11:45:27

I agree. Trouble is he is refusing to.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now