Is this a deal breaker? I'm bloody miserable

[AspieMum2002]

Id appreciate some outside RL views, i moved to a new part of the country this year and dont know anybody.
I'm seriously wondering if I should leave DP.
So I don't drip feed, will be as open as I can. We've been together 5 years. I have 3 teenage DCs from my 1st marriage, NC with their father on his choice, not mine.
On the whole me and DP have had a brilliant relationship. Happiness, fun times, very few arguments, and he's made me happier than anyone else ever has, but this last Year has been so mentally draining I don't know if I can go on with it. We've stopped laughing, stopped having sex, stopped talking like we used to.
I Miscarried 18months ago, and once I'd recovered enough from that, wanted to try again. But it's just gone downhill from there. We barely have sex at all anymore. It has been brought up a few times since (by me) but despite assurances that we could fix it, we haven't. When I've brought it up, what has followed has been what I can only see as 'Pity Sex'. He's doing it because he thinks he should, not because he wants to, iyswim.
Last week I brought it up again, in a calm and non-confrontational way- because the lack of intimacy is really depressing. He said "Well maybe if you went to the Gym, and looked better, I'd want to have sex with you more"
As an aside I'm a size 10-12, and do try to look nice. I'm actually 2 sizes smaller than I was at the beginning of the rship. But when I eat, he says "eating again?" in a joking type of way, or "why not make something to eat instead of snacking?".

He proposed to me a year ago, but recently said he felt 'pressured to do it' because I was so down at that time, and said he has changed his mind, he doesn't see the point in marriage. Who on earth 'Unproposes' to someone?

I asked him if he wants to end the relationship, as we are obviously not happy like we used to be anymore. He said he wants to work at it, and that he does love me. But it doesn't feel like it at all.

[Horsemad]

He's a cheeky sod, bin him.

[Theoldcauliflower]

I would leave, my do would never say those things to me, he's being a total arsehole, u deserve better!!
As far I as can see it will only get worse, he doesn't respect u, run!!!

[andthenagain]

Fuck no he is an arse and you are miserable with him. Life is too short for his shit
Can you move back to where you used to live?

[AspieMum2002]

My DCs are happy here in the new town, they have a good school and some really nice friends. I really don't want to go back to our old town.
They think the world of my DP too. That is what is making me skirt over the major issues I think. It just feels like Limbo atm.

[Mitzimaybe]

Difficult one. It sounds as if the miscarriage was the trigger for the lack of sex afterwards. Do you think he has properly processed this and dealt with any issues arising? You were keen to try again - but was he? Or was he just saying what he thought you wanted to hear and is actually absolutely terrified of going through that again? It sounds as if his reasons for the lack of sex are just excuses - although, if he genuinely finds you that unattractive, why doesn't he want to split up? If you are a size 10-12 you are not overweight. Can you suggest a period of deliberately not trying to conceive - use very reliable contraception - and see if that makes a difference to him?

An alternative view is that your move to another part of the country has something to do with it, and he is one of those nasty men who has succeeded in isolating you from your support network and therefore now feels at liberty to treat you as badly as he likes. I hope that's not the case.

[AspieMum2002]

Mitzi we aren't trying to conceive anymore, I gave up after last year. I mean sex and intimacy at any time of the month, its just not happening, he doesn't want to have sex with me.

[pocketsaviour]

Life's way too short to waste it on this joker.

He doesn't love you, and he does want to end the relationship. He's just far too much of a coward to say so.

If he left, could you manage the rent/mortgage on your own?

[AspieMum2002]

When he said he didn't want a baby, after MC, I respected that decision, however resentful it made me. But that shouldn't mean I have to forego a sex life, surely? I feel like I've got to give up the things I would like to have, for this rship. He doesn't want a baby now- so we don't have one. He changes his mind about marriage, so we don't do it. It just seems like its his way , or no way.

[Joysmum]

Does he think you'd try to trap him into having a baby so is reluctant to have sex for that reason?

Either way I'd be fucking livid if my dh blamed my looks for lack of sex or made any comments about my eating. I have binge eating disorder and my weight fluctuates wildly yet it's never affected our intimacy.

Unless he can tell you why he won't have sex and quit with the bullying and apologise so you can go forwards, I'd call it a day. You need change from him and if he doesn't see that then there's no hope.

[AspieMum2002]

mashtag he isn't struggling with MC. That I do know. I got in a state this year, 1yr after it happened. He had no idea what was wrong, then got exasperated with me because I had arranged to take DCs swimming that day. He said I shouldn't have arranged a day out if I knew I'd be upset.

He thinks I'm purposely upsetting myself by remembering the dates, and said its easier if I draw a line and move on. Wanting to have a baby was definitely more my decision than his.

[BoxOfKittens]

The line about getting more sex if you looked better and went to the gym would be a deal breaker for me, alone.

[FenellaFellorick]

You're miserable. That in itself is a dealbreaker.

You're supposed to be happy in a relationship. If you are unhappy - it's not working.

[rouxlebandit]

I'm struggling to understand the first post because I don't know what NC stands for and the list of acronyms is not loading.
But I'm wondering why you want more children when you've got 3 already. Maybe your current husband thinks the two of you can't afford another child. However, I agree with others that his comment about you being overweight was very insensitive and certainly not the way you speak to someone you love.
You have my sympathy and I hope you can find a way out of this.

[AspieMum2002]

roux NC= no contact. He never saw the children from the week after we split up.

[LizzieBelle]

I wouldnt have a baby with this guy, especially if you have teenage children now. It will ony make a bad situation worse

[yetwig]

Life is far to short, I have learnt this over the past 18 months, if your not happy why stay? I know you say that your children really like him but you have to do what's right for you!

[Wherediditallgoright]

How could you ever have sex with him again after his cruel comments about your appearance? He has told you he doesn't want another child or to get married. Take him at his word. It would be degrading to stay just because your own children like the area you are in.

[wheelycote]

Sounds like his lashing out is a defensive thing....men are pretty sensitive (egotistical) about sex drive and it can be easier to blame a partner than except they're off sex because of stress, circumstances etc.. Not saying it's right by any means that he's said those things but they do sound like classic defensive remarks...lashing out because he feels hurt (whether rightly or wrongly). This isn't an easy one and it all depends what you really want to do.

One thing I'd say for sure...If comes out with something like that again....
Tell him matter of factly, that your not sure what's going on in his head BUT that he will NOT talk to you that way, that, that's not the way you talk to each other and go and have a word with himself.

[QuiteLikely5]

You need to take control of the situation. If you do nothing then nothing will change.

You need to make a decision.

Your weight? So bizarre for him to start commenting on it even though you are much thinner than when you met. I wonder if he was the reason in the first place? Why are you much smaller now?

[arsenaltilidie]

If the sexes where reversed no one would bet an eyelid.
The comments about needing to lose weight when you're actually slimmer sounds like someone lashing out under pressure.
Experiencing MC is painful but as men we are expected to deal with the emotions privately.
You cannot exactly go to you partner because she probably feels worse.
You cannot go to your friends because they wouldn't know what to say.
If this man was generally a happy person before the MC, then chances are the MC is still affecting him.
He needs to talk to someone about it.

[AspieMum2002]

quitelikely5 I'm a smaller size now, because I eat at irregular times, usually save myself until night when DP has gone to work, and have my meal then so I can take my time with it.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

It sounds like he doesn't want to start a family, at least not with you OP, but doesn't want to break up with you either. Withholding physical intimacy has overtones of punishing you. It would be kinder to be honest about his feelings, than keep you hanging on for months, only to find you left it too late to try for pregnancy.

Deep down he doesn't really want to be a father, and while he can be nice to your DCs he isn't prepared to make this commitment. Backpedals after proposing, and makes a vague suggestion he'll only dole out sex as a reward you earn for improving your appearance? I think unless you give up the idea of another child he is going to continue putting up fences.

[RandomFriend]

He said "Well maybe if you went to the Gym, and looked better, I'd want to have sex with you more"

You deserve better than that, OP. Don't settle for "Pity Sex".