When an abusive man flips between being ‘very nice’ and ‘very nasty’,

[ALaughAMinute]

One the one hand he brings me up a cup of tea in the morning and makes me a packed lunch to take to work and on the other hand he verbally abuses me and threatens to hit me. He's a control freak and controls everything including the finances. He undermines me on a regular basis and doesn't let me finish my sentences if we are having a discussion about something. The only reason I back down is because I don't want to cause a riot and upset the children.

When he does hit me I hit him back. When he's verbally abusive I'm abusive back. I like to think I give as good as I get!

What's going on here? Are we both as bad as each other?

I recently told him I want a divorce but he's suddenly started being nice to me. He makes me feel guilty for not wanting to be with him. I feel like a bad person.

Help! Why do I feel guilty about going to see a solicitor on Friday? What's wrong with me?

I can't believe I'm being so pathetic. Talk some sense into me please.

[Wolfiefan]

You are not pathetic. You are trapped in an abusive cycle. You can find the strength to build a better life without this man.

[ALaughAMinute]

Thanks Wolf, I am trying but feel guilty about splitting my family up.

My eldest DC is at uni and my youngest is due to start uni in September. I just hope they are old enough to understand.

[Pat1ence]

What you are experiencing is the cycle of abuse. He will never change. He is never 'nice', he is manipulating you by appearing to be nice. You need to find the strength to leave him. I know how hard it is, I left 3 times before I finally got away. My life and my DD's life has been great ever since, I've never looked back. When I think about what he did to me it's like it happened to somebody else, surreal. You are worth more.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

[sooperdooper]

Stick to that solicitors appointment, he's only 'nice' to try and keep you sweet for the next bunch of abuse, you'll be a million times better off without him, good luck

[AnyFucker]

now is the time to pursue your own happiness

your dc are flying the nest...don't stay out of some displaced duty

imagine what it would be like still looking at his abusive mug when you are both 80, or heaven forbid, wiping his are for him

many marriages limp along until the dc branch out....I believe the fastest growing numbers of divorce happen around the emptying of the nest

there is a good reason for that. You win't be the first and certainly not thelsst

[AnyFucker]

arse *

[Inexperiencedchick]

[Inexperiencedchick]

I'm sorry. Didn't know what you are going through,

[Twinklestein]

Make sure you see a solicitor who's experienced in abuse.

You can call Women's Aid and get a list of such solicitors in your area.

The 'give as good as you get' line is an illusion. What you describe is called 'violent resistance', I doubt you would be violent if he wasn't violent first. You also try to stand up to his verbal abuse but fail. He is in control. He controls finances, discourse, you, the children, everything.

Your children are old enough to understand that their mother is in an abusive relationship, that they have grown up in an abusive environment.
There are no prizes for keeping a family together with an abuser, only damage.

It will help them enormously to see you finally get away from him.

[karbonfootprint]

Being "nice" is part of the abuse, it is confusing, and leaves you unsure of yourself.

Sometimes, being nice is the WORST part of abuse, because it can actually be the most hurtful and damaging.

[ALaughAMinute]

Pat, thanks for the link, the cycle of abuse describes it to a T! I just need to find the strength to leave the bastard. He somehow makes me feel guilty because he has a good job and we have a comfortable lifestyle. He makes me feel as if I should be grateful despite the fact that he is abusive.

Soop, I will stick to the solicitors appointment. You are right that I am better off without him. But it is so, so hard to leave him!

Any, I believe the fastest growing numbers of divorce happen around the emptying of the nest

The solicitor I saw last week said the same thing. It almost seems like now or never which is an interesting point because I never thought of it like that before. If not now, when? Life is too short!

[ALaughAMinute]

Thank you for your replies.

Twinkle, What you describe is called 'violent resistance', I doubt you would be violent if he wasn't violent first.

This is so true. I have only ever been violent towards him in my defense. I try to show him that I'm not a victim so I fight back.

I would like to think it would help the children to see us finally split up although I try to keep most of the arguments away from them. They are not stupid though, they know what's going on.

Karbon, you are right that being nice is part of the abuse. Sometimes I don't know where I stand with him. I love him and hate him at the same time. I almost feel sorry for him.

[Twinklestein]

The making you feel guilty and like you should be grateful is part of the abuse.

[Twinklestein]

Sorry that point had already been covered. ^

[ALaughAMinute]

Twinkle,

It's so true though and I could do with a reminder. I need to get it in my head that it's is all part of the abuse.

[ALaughAMinute]

Most people think he's lovely because he's charming and has good social skills. If only they knew!

[rockybalboa]

Making your breakfast and packed lunch isn't being nice, it's being controlling. He sounds hideous. Hope you manage to get away from him.

[Wolfiefan]

BTW my parents split not long after I left uni. I knew why. After all I'd lived with him!
My mum and I are still really close. I haven't seen my biological father for over 15 years.
My dad played lots of the games you mentioned. It's all about manipulation. My mum got so tangled up hearing his crap. She was strong. I admire her.

[Wolfiefan]

Oh and most people who knew my daft thought him charming. More manipulation.

[Wolfiefan]

Dad not daft!!!!

[Anniegetyourgun]

Don't worry, just crack on with the divorce plans and you'll soon see him switch back again to Mr Nasty. Only this time you don't have to hit back to resist. You have a more effective form of revenge, namely escape.

[Orrelly]

Making your breakfast and packed lunch isn't being nice, it's being controlling

Is this always the case though? I mean 100% . genuinely interested.

I'm sure some people would see this as being nice , ignoring the rest of the violence and abuse for the sake of this question.

[Wolfiefan]

I cook for my DH every evening. It's not about control there. He'd give me food poisoning and if I cook I avoid washing up which I hate! There's a difference between doing something for a person and using that thing to stop them leaving. The nice/nasty thing is used to unsettle and make you unsure of yourself.

[ALaughAMinute]

I don't have the answer to that Orrelly.

Abusive men are not abusive 100% of the time are they?

Even Peter Sutcliffe made his wife a cup of tea in the morning.

[Pat1ence]

Orelly, see cycle of abuse link up thread.

On its own, it's nice. Coupled with abuse it's part of the abuse.