Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Hi, this is my first post on this site, after searching through other posts trying to find a situation like mine, looking for answers and advice. My DH of 15 years is cross with me all of the time. It goes through phases over what it is about and over the last two years has included me being a dirty who has cheated on him several times (I haven't) , then me spending all of our money on crap that we don't need (I am always careful), then me bringing up the children wrong (they are doing well at school) and more recently how I never keep the house organised or put anything in the right place. Each phase lasts several months and at the moment he seems completely obsessed over my disorganisation. He does not have much basis for what he says but he becomes fixed on it and if I argue back or loose my temper over it then he says that I am a liar, paranoid, stupid and emotionally abusing him. I have worked hard to bring up the children and keep the house the best I can, however, I do also work and study which amounts to full time hours and have children that demand a lot of my time. My DH spends most of his spare time doing DIY, sleeping or playing on the x-box, he will sometimes do some housework. He has an lot of bitterness towards me and I feel that he hates me. When I try to discuss it with him he will just bombard me with all the stuff that I have done wrong and if I try to speak he puts his fingers in his ears and orders me to leave the room. I am posting on here because I don't know what to do. I am feeling quite anxious and low which is further affecting my ability to keep the house tidy, but I feel that even if I achieved perfection then he would find something else. Is he depressed? Has he just become a horrible person? Is it me? Have I driven him crazy? Should we just split up? Sorry...all I want is an informed opinion. Thank you.
I think you should end your relationship with this abusive man. He hates women and he hates you.
Any anxiety you have is likely to be relieved by getting out from under the oppression of his direct and indirect hostility
Its not you, its him and he is projecting all his own stuff onto you. He is and has been emotionally abusive towards you for a very long time. His behaviour is highly damaging to you because you become inurred to it, it also affects your children as they are learning about relationships from the two of you. This is no legacy to leave them.
Time to move on and without this millstone of a man around your neck day in and day out. This is really no way to live.
Womens Aid are very much worth speaking to; their number is 0808 2000 247.
Thank you for your comments. I do agree with you AnyFucker (!) but it is hard with kids involved and sometimes things are ok for a bit and I think it might get better again. If it was just me I would be gone like a shot but we have a house and kids and pets and I just don't know what to do about it all.
DrMorbius - good question and I feel a little stumped by it. I will think about this over the coming week...thank you.
Please don't stay for the kids- I was that child and home life was awful. Taught me very little about adult relationships as well.
I know it's hard, but it will be better in the long run. Meanwhile, I would try to disengage. Don't argue, just walk off when he starts at you.
Your kids are currently getting the life lesson that they can sit on their arses playing xbox all day, shout wild accusations at other people, and stick their fingers in their ears if they don't like what they hear.
Let's be honest here, you're getting nothing from him and neither are your kids.
Did this behaviour start around the time your first DC arrived?
I do stuff things in drawers when I am in a rush and let things pile up. I am naturally quite messy and so are the children. I do prioritise spending time with the kids over doing housework. I often have to put my work or study first. However, I pretty much keep on top of it in a muddled sort of way, the house is fairly clean, there is always food to eat and clean clothes (but sometimes they are not put away) and it has never appeared to be an issue until the last year. But apparently it has bothered DH immensely for years. So perhaps I am a lot to blame.
pocketsaviour - he has always been jealous, possessive and a little paranoid. The anger did probably start around about the first child and got a lot worse after the second one. I used to argue back with him a lot which made it feel more like it was both of us. However, lately I have stopped arguing back because it upsets the kids and it pointless which has made me realise how very angry he is.
You are minimising and blaming yourself. What does he do to help with the everyday mess? If it bothers him so much why doesn't he help?
To be honest though, it's not about the mess and clutter as this is just the current theme he is using to get at you. You could be super organised and tidy, but he'd then be berating you for something else.
He's not going to change, there will always be something.
Thank you OliviaBenson. My youngest child is very adaptable and easy going, but my oldest is quite anxious and doesn't take change well. I am worried that she will not adapt and that it might be better for her if I can sort out this situation and make it better...however, I am really thinking there is no hope.
Do you not think your oldest child is anxious because of the home life you have?
It's an extremely unhealthy situation to live in, perhaps they may feel more secure and settled away from that sort of environment.
my oldest is quite anxious
Probably because she is so aware of the affect your husband is having on you.
Thank you. Really you have just confirmed what I have thought for a while but was too scared to act upon. He is horrible to me and he is horrible about me. He has been sleeping in the spare room and when my daughter asked why he said it was because "mummy is a pig". When I am sorting things out with the kids and he is there he tells them that I am a control freak and an abuser. He purposely goes against anything I say to them and shouts right in my face in front of them. When I tell him not to argue in front of the kids he says "they need to know". When I try to talk to him when the kids are not here he refuses to. I think I am being abused by him but I always had the image of someone being abused as meek and mild whereas I am quite strong and have stood up for myself, so I thought it was tit for tat. Contrary to what he says I am not stupid or thick. I need to get rid of him and stop worrying about how he will manage - its about me and the children isn't it?!
It is Rita. It is so unhealthy for you and your children. You ARE being abused and the children are already suffering. Kick him out today!!!
And as for how he will manage - Fuck that!!! His problem.
Thank you molyholy. I wish I could kick him out but we share the mortgage and he will refuse to go. However, I think I need to meet with a family mediator and try to work out what to do.
OK...as everyone has been so helpful can I ask your opinion on one more thing? As I said I am feeling very low and anxious about this and am crying a lot in private. I have not been able to talk to people about it because if I try I just well-up and change the subject. Therefore, would it be a good idea to go on a course of anti-depressants to give me the strength to get through this...or would that just add to my problems?! I have no experience of anti-depressants and do not want to feel worse but think I need to stop crying and start dealing with the situation!
Definitely - Any step to remove this vile man from your life is a step in the right direction. I know it's not as easy as kicking him out - apols for that. I just feel very sorry for your situation. Imagine the relief when he isn't in your life on a daily basis. Of course, he will have a relationship with the children, but it will be away from you and hopefully it will be a positive move for all of you.
My answer 'definitely' was about seeing a mediator/solicitor. I have no knowledge re anti depressants sorry
"mummy is a pig"
that man is utterly shameful
there is no "helping" this, love...get your precious kids away from an inadequate fuck like him
he lets you glimpse the possibility of nicer times because he knows you don't want to break the family unit up and if he throws you a crumb or two you wil stay
well, the only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is none
it is unlikely you are clinically depressed (although of course I am not a doctor)
you are reacting to the situation in a way that is utterly normal
he is the one that requires modifications to his thought processes, not you
please don't try to anaesthetise yourself to his abuse
Yes. Agree with all. If you can get rid of this horrible abusive man I'd bet anything your feelings of depression will miraculously go away with him. Good luck.
Oh, Rita, you're about yo embark on one helluva learning curve.
Read up about:
Cycle of abuse
Shit coffee (no, not about Starbucks )
[Esp in ref to the accusations that you're cheating or abusing him] Projection. In fact, re the cheating accusations, I can't believe Im the furst to mention it, esp with the illustrious wise-woman AF in da room.
Finally, and most importantly, research the fallacy of "staying together for the children".
You say you've looked around a bit on these boards: you'll see very quickly that you're not doing the kids a favour by staying with him.
And, oi! Don't think you have xx number of questions to ask, and then you're all out if favours, or owt. We're here for you, ask whatever you like.
And, best of luck with your studies!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.