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distraught after break up

(39 Posts)
allypally1986 Sun 28-Jun-15 09:41:30

I'm hoping someone has some advice for me.

On Friday night I broke up with my partner of 2 and a half years. The first two years of our relationship were perfect, but our relationship became long distance at the start of 2015 when he moved to Yorkshire and it's all been falling apart ever since.

I just couldn't cope with the distance. I felt abandoned and resentful left behind in London. He didn't think I did enough to make it work and perhaps he is right. But I just felt so angry at him for leaving me, for leaving all questions of our future up in the air, and for not understanding why I wasn't able to act like I didn't mind. We fell into this horrible pattern where we would see each other on a friday and I would not feel any love or affection for him, and we would fight, then we would make up and by the time the weekend was over I'd feel all the love and affection I ever did. But then we'd go our seperate ways again and the cycle would repeat itself. It was breaking us both apart inside.

He gave vague promises about the future but nothing concrete. He moved back in with his mum and dad (he's 29, I'm 25). He hated his new job and planned to quit but still wouldn't discuss what exactly he was going to do after it. He had wildy unrealistic plans to have a career change and train to become a neuroscientist whilst earning money part time on the side. I just got so fed up with the constant moving of goal posts and never knowing where MY future with him started. I couldn't cope anymore.

The problem is I'm not sure breaking up with him was the right decision. I can't stop crying, I know I still love him and I can't sleep or eat for the anxiety that I'm never going to see him again or be with him again or do any of the things we had planned together sad

Do I stick to my gut feeling and just try to get over him? Or do I beg for him back?? I don't know how he feels about the break up. He was desperate to make me happy but we left on quite an angry note, so I'm not sure he even would be willing to try. I have made him miserable for several months now.

givemehopehelpmecope Sun 28-Jun-15 09:47:21

Hi there
I went with my gut feeling & split with my P of almost two yrs 3 weeks ago. I've cried every day since, feel awful & just want things back how they were. BUT i know they never will be. He didn't treat me well & hasn't even tried to contact me since i told him. So go with your gut. I'm assured this feeling will pass, but i know exactly how you are feeling. It's shit isnt it? X

something2say Sun 28-Jun-15 09:52:42

Aww sweetheart I'm so sorry, I know that feeling of bereft ness that happens.

All I can offer you from the vantage point of my age (40) is that these things do happen, not everyone does stay in our lives and you will learn to accept it. There is not just the one man, although it does seem like that. In fact there are millions of wonderful partners for people and there will be another partner for you.

Re this particular one, the timing doesn't seem right. You can't settle can you, with him constantly throwing the cards up in the air. This is what tells me that he is not right for your needs, not right now. Have a think over the things that did not work for you. They are what matter. The rightness will be there with other men. It's often the wrong things that we have to see whether we can accept with each man, and this one moved away with no concrete plans to come back. Also, he seems to be in flux and that's alright, he is young, he is trying life on for size to see what fits him and what does not. He has the right to choose otherwise he will be unhappy.

The same applies to you tho. I would not chase him to come back, sit down and think about you and your life and your plans and ideal future. That is what you have to make and it cannot solely hang on a partner.

X you will be fine in time, I can promise you that, but for today, take the wide view xxxxx

Sickoffrozen Sun 28-Jun-15 09:58:47

Go with gut feeling. Some things are just not meant to be.

allypally1986 Sun 28-Jun-15 09:59:55

thank you. you are right, I know he had the right to do his own things. I feel like I have been unreasonable by being so upset about him moving away and so unwilling to make the effort to hold the relationship together when he did.

I just don't want to feel like I've sabotaged a happy relationship with someone that I love. Which is how I feel now.

yes givemehope it is shit sad sorry you are going through it as well

Rebecca2014 Sun 28-Jun-15 10:02:42

You did the right thing. A man who loved you would never move that far away from you, a man who loved you would want include you in his future.

I know it sucks but sometimes relationships just do not work out.

allypally1986 Sun 28-Jun-15 11:32:28

I just keep thinking that he said he was always hoping I would see the bigger picture about his move. Maybe not seeing the bigger picture is what ruined our relationship. How can I forgive myself for that?

something2say Sun 28-Jun-15 13:40:03

It is not your bigger picture tho. It is his. His trip, which he expects you to just get on. What about your trip? That's why you ended it. You need a trip as well as he does. There is no need to forgive yourself. What you have actually done is freed yourself from what was not working for you.

allypally1986 Sun 28-Jun-15 15:22:13

Thank you I needed to hear that. Thank you

pinkfrocks Sun 28-Jun-15 15:59:14

But if he moved to Yorkshire - with or without a job to go to ( not sure what you mean on that one) then surely he was the one leaving you and breaking it all up- without him actually having the guts to say so?

Sometimes people create events that cause a break up (eg an affair) because they want the other person to end the relationship because they lack the maturity or whatever to take the responsibility.

If he is 29, has gone back to live with his parents and 'dreams ' of being a neuroscientist ( has he at least got a science degree already or is this all fantasy la-la land??) then he's not coming over as very mature to me. I have DCs around his age and I'd be very worried if they dropped their lives and came back home with vague plans for a career change.

He's obviously got a lot of sorting out to do in his head over what he wants.
Sadly, his plans don't seem to include you- but you are only 25. You have bags of time to get over this and start again. flowers

allypally1986 Sun 28-Jun-15 16:19:18

He did have a job to go to yes, but it was more of a step down, he was very well paid and successful in london but it didn't make him happy. I tried to support the move as he did it for a number of reasons, including to be near his grandma who is dying, and to be fair to him he put A LOT of effort into keeping the relationship going and took a lot of crap from me. But yes you are right, ultimately moving away from me was a big statement which I didn't understand the gravity of at the time

allypally1986 Sun 28-Jun-15 16:23:00

And no he doesn't even have a science a level!! That was one of the things that really depressed me about the relationship. He's throw out scraps of hope like 'I'm going back to uni and maybe I'll come to london for it' and then the next week it would be 'I'm setting up a non alcoholic bar in Sheffield as a charity project'.... none of these things ever went further than talking about them but that was supposed to be enough for me.

He blames me for not wanting to move, sacrifice things or compromise. And maybe I wasn't. All I wanted was to stay somewhere I could commute to london for the sake of my career.

I don't know, my heads a mess. He was really really lovely to me and bent over backwards for me. But ultimately the things I wanted he wasn't ready to give me, or was only willing to talk about them and never do any actual planning. So it's probably for the best

sonjadog Sun 28-Jun-15 16:23:07

Breaking up really, really hurts. Even if you know that it is 100% the right thing to do, it still hurts. Give yourself time before you make any decisions to get over the initial hurt. I guess you have had your heart broken before? In that case, you know that it does stop hurting and it does get better. If not, you will just have to take our word for it. If you are unsure, give yourself 3-4 months to get past the initial hurt and confusion and then have a think. I suspect you will realise at that point that your reasons for breaking up hold, but if not, then approach him. It will also give him time to see how he feels and what he wants. If it doesn't work out, then as a poster above wrote, there will be other men for you who will be a better fit.

allypally1986 Sun 28-Jun-15 16:25:50

But maybe not being able/willing to support him through his confusing time means that I am the one that failed us

Ragwort Sun 28-Jun-15 16:36:55

Of course it hurts at the moment, but it clearly wasn't 'right' - relationships shouldn't be such hard work, you haven't 'failed' - don't try and blame yourself.

Give yourself time to grieve the relationship, spend time with your friends and hobbies, just get on and enjoy your life and you will eventually look back with fond memories but agree that it just wasn't right for either of you.

pinkfrocks Sun 28-Jun-15 16:41:17

well, it could be argued that if you really loved him, you'd have moved too. Did you live together in London? Could you live with him in Yorks? Is your career transferable? Was it ever suggested - by him- that you should move together? Was there ever a plan to be together? if he doesn't have science A level and is dreaming of being a neuroscientist that to me says he is not in touch with reality as least as careers go.He'd need at least 2 science A levels and then a 3-4 yr degree to even start!

and why live with mum and dad? Yorks is a lot cheaper than london so why doesn't he rent?

If you miss him so much and love him then maybe you ought to think about how you could move closer- but he needs to get his own head sorted re. work first- sounds as if he all over the place.

allypally1986 Sun 28-Jun-15 18:04:28

Yes I had thought of moving there and it was on the cards but the fact that he was at his mum and dads meant it never got seriously discussed, and then I realised that my career would not flourish outside of london (I work for a political think tank).

Yes I have had my heartbroken before but my ex of 2 years cheated on me so it was so easy then. He was a prick and wasn't who I thought he was. But current ex boy is a lovely man who loved me and I love him. So it's so much harder to rationalise

pinkfrocks Sun 28-Jun-15 22:48:03

I'm really sorry you feel so rotten, but I'm struggling to understand what really went on.

If your boyfriend started applying for jobs so far away, what were his reasons?

Did you talk about how your relationship would carry on?

Normally if one half of a couple makes these kinds of plans for themselves they are saying a) it's over or b) come with me or c) let me get settled then come and join me or d) it will be short term and then we can move somewhere together.

It doesn't sound as if you talked it over.

LDR are hard to maintain. Your guy was expecting a lot if he thought it could all carry on as before.

So either he wanted to end it and did it this way- or he lives in cloud cuckoo land and didn't think about the reality.

Either way it's not working for you. You have both put your jobs before each other. You won't move because of your job and he moved for a job.

If you want to be with each other then you have to talk it all through and find some compromise- or accept that your lives are now on different paths.

Threefishys Sun 28-Jun-15 22:56:03

When I had a break up last year after four years or so ( ultimately his decision) I cried for six weeks straight every morning and sporadically through the day. Went on a weekend away with friends to clear my head, came back, got on dating app, met DP - 9 months on and happier than I ever believed possible. Things happen when they're supposed to so just put faith in the future smile

allypally1986 Sun 28-Jun-15 23:25:44

Yes I know how it seems. We did talk about it and just massively underestimated the impact. It was always only ever intended to be short term, hence my frustration as the goal posts moved over and over. It wasn't just my career, it was that he was giving me nothing to go on that we'd actually be able to build a life together in Yorkshire as he was living with his mum and dad and wanting to quit his job. I wasn't ready to leave my home, family, friends and job for such vague promises. Perhaps that is my failure though and that's why we couldn't work it out. We talked about it incessantly

allypally1986 Sun 28-Jun-15 23:35:13

Also it wasn't just a job he left for... He hated london, the lifestyle, the people, he wanted to go back home and rethink his life for a bit, pay back debts, etc. which is why he moved home. I'm not sure it that's relevant or not. Sorry for banging on and expecting strangers to reply. I don't know why I'm doing this sad

pinkfrocks Mon 29-Jun-15 08:04:19

He sounds rather flaky TBH. You didn't end this- he did in effect.
As I said, I have DCs about the age of you both. I'd be worried if they wanted to move back home when they were in a long term relationship. I'd question it anyway. Is he living at home so it's cheap and he can clear debt?
I've read all your posts but am still not really sure I understand what's gone on. LDR are hard. They are usually short term and the people in them are planning on being together 'one day'. They aren't open ended .

If he wanted a change of lifestyle back north, then surely that should have been a joint decision if you were serious about each other. Was he never as serious about you as a couple as you thought? Or did he expect you to drop everything and go and live with him?

Please stop saying things like 'you have made him miserable for several months.' It's not your job to make him happy. HE chose to relocate. He chose to make the relationship long distance.

On the other hand- and playing devil's advocate- if this guy is the ONE then you have to ask yourself why your own job, friends, home etc are more important. If you are not willing to relocate and start a new life with him together then you maybe aren't as keen as you think you are.

But I get the feeling that he moved north without any real regard for you or your feelings or how the relationship would survive- without a clear plan of where it was heading say in 6 months or a year.

If you are really that distraught, then why don't you move to be with him? Is this about location or about the fact that this relationship isn't as strong as you both thought it was?

allypally1986 Mon 29-Jun-15 09:10:28

First of all thank you so much for taking the time to read my posts and give such carefully considered advice. I really appreciate it.

Sorry for being unclear. Basically after 2 years together in london he decided he had to leave - he had debts, a dying grandma, he hated london and wanted to reevaluate his life. We had very vague plans about me going up there at some point as well, but then I got a new job that I really wanted, and that got put on hold. We both underestimated the impact of the move, assuming that spending weekends together etc would allow us to keep going but also allow us to focus on work in the week. It didn't pan out like that.

I had a lot of resentment to him for leaving and that built up in the week and left me cold and argumentative at weekend. Meanwhile he was relentlessly optimistic and couldn't understand why I was ruining our weekends together and why I couldn't be supportive of his decision and accept a 'bigger picture' (of vague promises to be together again at some point in the future).

I guess I'm struggling because we are walking away from something when we are both still in love. I guess I've lost sight of all the reasons I was so unhappy and can only think of the things I could have done differently to better support him. That includes moving up there to be with him. I guess the fact he ended up hating his job in Yorkshire and planning to stay with his mum and dad indefinitely put me off the idea more and more.

allypally1986 Mon 29-Jun-15 09:11:58

And your right, I suggested the break up but he has the power. I couldn't get him back now no matter what I said. He's furious at me for ruining our chance to be happy together and was cold and angry when we parted ways. And it's not like we're ever going to bump into each other, being 4 hours apart!

pinkfrocks Mon 29-Jun-15 09:55:28

I think this is really hard for you both.
LDR are hard. I was in one for for 3 yrs with DH and when we did marry I left behind my job and friends. I only did that because he wanted us to get married. Previously he'd asked to go and live with him and I said no. This was 30 years back when living together was not so acceptable anyway, but I wasn't prepared to up sticks for anything less.

It sounds as if your guy is in a bit of a mess. It must be hard to be 29 , hating your job and going back to live with the parents. This is a real climb down from living an independent life in London. he sounds very close to his family and maybe a bit emotionally immature as well.

Why can't you find a middle ground? If he hates his job, why can't you both think about relocating somewhere that would suit you both? There are more places in the UK apart from Yorkshire or London. In terms of job prospects, then the south is surely going to offer him more than Yorkshire.

But if you can only work in London and he hates it, then there is no middle ground, is there? You are both young. At 25 you ought not to be putting a man above your own career if you have worked hard for it , if he decides to move 4 hours away. I understand that side of it too.

You also need to ask yourself- and be honest- if a man of 29 who has debts (not a good prospect for the future), doesn't know what he wants to do for a career, 'runs' back to Mum and dad rather than being in his own place, has unrealistic ideas about what a LDR involves, is really such a good catch?

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