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Am I wrong to be really upset? tmi!

(322 Posts)
mrsvindiesel Thu 25-Jun-15 01:08:06

I can't sleep and fighting back tears
my partner is snoring beside me, today for once he was feeling horny it seems as was sending me messages at work about what we should do later
it was nice for once as he never does this! but in reality it was awful
his ideas sounded great, bit porn-y but he is a bloke and I got caught up in the thrill of it I guess
when we actually got to bed it was all about him, god I'm sorry if this is far tmi but I have to be frank unless it doesnt make sense!
he wanted to kneel infront of me and me give him head so he was in control apparently, I let him but he was getting too into it I guess and kept choking me making me heave and like I couldnt breathe I felt panicked and wasnt enjoying it at all
In the end I grabbed him and pushed him off and turned over quietly crying to myself.
he did keep asking if I was upset and I said no I'm fine but it was obvious I wasn't as he said I was making him feel guilty and to stop it.
I dont know what to think or say now, maybe what ive put on here doesnt paint the picture to the full and sounds petty but it was awful
I lay and silently cried till he went to sleep, ive never had a sexual experience especially with someone thats meant to love me like that
please someone say I'm not overreacting I dont even want to look at him at the moment I feel so hurt

JulyKit Thu 25-Jun-15 01:18:58

You don't sound petty at all. You sound - understandably - really upset after having had an upsetting experience.

I don't have any 'advice' as such. But I want you to know that you don't sound 'petty' at all.

flowers

StupidBloodyKindle Thu 25-Jun-15 01:18:58

Tell him to fuck right off. Deep throating was a bullshit film. He is a complete and utter wanker. It is not acceptable to orally rape your partner and no, I am not exaggerating. Tell him in the morning he is fucking lucky you a) didn't bite it off and b) are not pressing charges. Or sit on his face until he passes out, see how he likes it.

textfan Thu 25-Jun-15 01:25:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsvindiesel Thu 25-Jun-15 01:26:55

thank you for your replies
I dont think ill sleep tonight I feel sick and my throats sore, not sure if that's from hrs of trying to cry quietly though
pre tonight I loved him so much even if he didnt treat me great right now I don't know how I feel but I cant even bare to look at him in the morning
I'm angry that hes sleeping soundly contently satisfied from his porn experience he wanted he can go off to work feeling like the big man now cant he!
meanwhile I just feel a bit lost
thank you so much for listening my heads very muddled and its thrown everything I hoped/thought into question
maybe ill be less hurt about it after some sleep, I hope so.

RubbishMantra Thu 25-Jun-15 01:36:44

(Quote) ^"turned over quietly crying to myself.
he did keep asking if I was upset and I said no I'm fine but it was obvious I wasn't as he said I was making him feel guilty and to stop it"^

He doesn't sound very nice. <putting it mildly>. Most men don't reduce their partner to tears in pursuit of getting their rocks off. Then tell you to "stop it", because it was "making him feel guilty."

I'd be upset if that happened to me too.

StupidBloodyKindle Thu 25-Jun-15 02:01:50

Hope you get some sleep OP. "even if he didn't treat me great" You deserbe to be treated well, love. Everyone, man or woman, does. He might not have realised during (although I would be surprised) he sure as shit realised after and you're having to "cry quietly" because your pig of a boyfriend thinks you should put up and shut up. He ought to be apologising and trying to make things right. Any bloke choking me by overthrusting or pushing my head down would get very short shrift with me and have Try and sleep, I will be around tomorrow if you want to talk some more.

StupidBloodyKindle Thu 25-Jun-15 02:02:08

deserve

goddessofsmallthings Thu 25-Jun-15 02:10:49

pre tonight I loved him so much even if he didnt treat me great

Any man who doesn't 'treat you great' isn't worth loving and after tonight I trust you're going to bin this loathsome porn addict who thinks it's his right to get his rocks off by orally raping you.

If you stay with him you can expect more of the same and I wouldn't be surprised if he claims that tonight was the best sex of his life and keeps wheedling and cajoling until you give him a repeat performance.

ToastedOrFresh Thu 25-Jun-15 02:27:27

I think he's been rough with you. If you didn't like it, he should have calmed you and settled you and said sorry.

If I do the same it's 'cause I feel like it and my husband can just stand there, still as a statue whilst I control the movement.

I agree with StupidBK.

Also, he's got a bloody cheek saying that you're making him feel guilty. To me that's a childish or controlling thing to say. Not much more than, 'don't make me feel bad about this.'

I'm not surprised you are furious.

He had got himself so, 'revved up' about what you were going to do together he forgot that it's supposed to be a shared experience.

Isetan Thu 25-Jun-15 09:02:01

I'm going to be blunt here, why the hell did you say you were fine when you weren't? I have kept silent in relationships and hoped that my bf's would pick up on my distress, the tactic never ever benefited me because they didn't. What would have been so wrong in saying I didn't enjoy that? I don't know if your bf is emotionally stupid, doesn't care or a combination of the two but you were entitled to object at any time.

There is no one better qualified person at articulating your needs, then you and if you don't, there's a good chance that your needs wont be met. Please, please break the habit: silent tears leave the ignorant more ignorant and the one hurt, resentful.

Deep throating, anal sex, being ejaculating on etc are porn stalwarts and like most things in porn, they aren't there for our enjoyment. Unfortunately, there are a lot of men who totally buy into the fantasy that most women enjoy the above, orgasm by the mere sight of a penis etc and are oblivious to, or don't give a shit about the needs of the woman.

Firstly, apologise to yourself for not articulating your discomfort and emotional distress. Secondly, tell your OH the truth: you didn't like it because it hurt, your needs or enjoyment were obviously not a factor in the act and it won't be happening again.

You are not a porn actress orifice for hire and therefore are not required to be his wank fantasy.

Janette123 Thu 25-Jun-15 09:13:03

MrsVindiesal,
You have been sexually abused by your husband and have every right to be upset.
You must tell him how you feel.
If he minimises your feelings about this you need to decide if you want to stay with such a selfish insensitive $h!£.

Please don't make my mistake and stay with a selfish, insensitive husband for years, it will drag you down and erode your self respect.

Smorgasboard Thu 25-Jun-15 09:38:50

I'd go off someone for even pushing my head in the general direction as a hint without asking. Any sex act should be voluntary and about what you feel like doing at the time. You are right to be upset, it's a normal reaction. I can understand the silent crying after, it's not helpful to know after the fact that you could of said something, you likely were in shock and trying to make sense of your feelings about it all, and still are. Sadly, this is more than just a man getting it wrong, this shows a lot about who he is and it's nasty. This is a gamechanger, you really should be dumping this relationship now, not just because of the forced act but his appalling reaction after tells you all you need to know. How long have you been together I wonder? I'd guess you have a mix of upset about what happened and thoughts of ending things being a necessary reality. Sorry you are going through this. You've found him out in a cruel way.

NameChanger54321 Thu 25-Jun-15 09:40:36

I'm sorry if I haven't read correctly, but it doesn't appear that you vocalised during the act that you wanted to stop or were uncomfortable. Is that correct?

I'm not pointing that out as a criticism. It's just, that should have been your natural reaction. To just stop and say, "Can we try something else? That's not working." The fact that you didn't say that and just pulled away and stops suggests that you don't feel comfortable or assertive enough in your relationship, maybe for fear of his reaction?

Apologies if I had read it wrongly. But I hope you're ok xx

vodkanchocolate Thu 25-Jun-15 09:49:39

I dont think you are over reacting at all, it sounds like your husband has been watching too many porn scenarios. I find it quite selfish of him that he wasnt even botherd that you were upset by it or even noticed that you wernt enjoying it. This is a position I have given my husband a bj many times I never felt the force of it so I couldnt breath or caused pain so he must of really been forceful with you.

Im not saying you should end your relationship but he needs to make sure hes aware of how he made you feel. You need to think about is this a one off, has there been any other problems before.

Sorry cant be of more help but I hope you make him squirm x

butterflygirl15 Thu 25-Jun-15 10:11:11

He sounds vile. And surely choking, gagging and then pushing him away is enough for any sane man to realise a woman isn't happy to continue.

He is a heavy porn user I am sure. And he has no respect for you. He is lucky you are not calling the police. I hope you are ok OP. This is not your fault.

Smorgasboard Thu 25-Jun-15 10:11:31

"Choking and heaving" not enough of a hint to suggest there was a lack of enjoyment going on? Really?.
The problem of believing it's ok to re- enact what is on porn, as women like it, is entirely the man's issue. Blaming women for 'letting it happen' is not on. Even my son has been told that if he should ever see any porn, remember it bears little relationship to reality and it's not how it really is, is never something to learn off and most women would not like how things happen on it anyway. But he's 11 years old, so why is an adult man not working this out himself? Answer, because he choses to ignore that, even though he knows, for his own ends. Because he's the kind of person who isn't concerned with others and lacks empathy. Not good enough for you OP. Stick to your standards, many men do care, do share in the moment, realise what it should be about. I doubt he would listen if you spelled it out to him where he's going wrong as it would require a whole attitude to women change. It's up to you if you wish to try and make him see, but the onus for that is not on you and it may prove to be a 'banging head on brick wall' exercise.

mrsvindiesel Thu 25-Jun-15 10:21:22

Thank you for the replies it really helps to talk it through
I still don't know how to feel....No I didn't say stop but in my defence I couldn't say anything I was choking and heaving.
He wasn't looking at me so I pinched him in the end to stop him/let him know I didn't like it.
he left while I was still asleep this morning but has called when I got to work to ask am I out of my mood yet?! And that he cant deal with me moaning at him ( I haven't said a thing about it yet ) as his hayfever is playing up!

PresidentTwonk Thu 25-Jun-15 10:37:09

You don't have to say the word 'No' nor 'stop' for it to be rape/sexual assault/rape.

I'm so sorry you went through this MrsVin, my only advice is to get as far away from him as possible but I do understand it's not always that easy flowers

Smorgasboard Thu 25-Jun-15 10:54:41

Oh dear, bad reaction from him. He's warning you in advance that he does not want to discuss it as it's 'moaning'. Trying to take away your voice. This is not good, I think it shows that he is already using methods, I'd guess he's tried before, to keep you silent. I'm guessing it's not the first time and you are getting used to keeping mum about thing that upset you. Hard for you to break out of this. Time is on your side, however, take as long as you need to digest everything and what it means. This episode is a big significant moment so don't minimise it over time, but work out what it truley means for you, all the while observing how he is treating you since. There would possibly be some hope for him if he showed remorse, embarrassment about his behaviour, worry about losing you and concern for your feelings. As you take time to ponder, really look at him over the next few days/ weeks, however long it takes and ask yourself if it's good enough that he's not sorry. You don't have to have a discussion with him, just watch how he continues to treat you. Meanwhile, it's ok to say 'no' to anything he asks of you, that you don't want to do. Just, no, not 'ok' to please him. You will see him for who he is when you stop doing his bidding - and I bet he will be the one moaning then.

mummytime Thu 25-Jun-15 10:57:41

Get out of this relationship!

Sorry but he doesn't sound as if he cares for you.

Do phine Women's aid or rape crisis or someone to get help.

You are in no way wrong to be upset - he is totally in the wrong.

TigerWhoCameForGin Thu 25-Jun-15 10:59:44

So he generally "doesn't treat [you] great" and now this? He hurts you and then blames you for "being in a mood".

He doesn't sound worthy of being called your partner.

What's your relationship? How long? Do you live together? Kids?

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint Thu 25-Jun-15 11:01:35

I think I'd be telling him that he wouldn't have to listen to me 'moan' and that he'll have plenty of time on his own to get over the hay fever.

mrsvindiesel Thu 25-Jun-15 11:02:09

I do feel like this has changed everything maybe that's an overreaction as I'm in shock though.
I thought id feel better about it this morning as was tired and emotional last night but I don't.
Just to clarify I didn't say get off youre hurting me, I could hardly breathe and was panicking.
I'm not sure he could even see my face to tell that though as it started off him kneeling in front of me but as he got into it he was pretty much lying on my face hence why I had to pinch him to get him off me
I feel sick at the thought of being intimate with him again as it felt anything but intimate.
He hardly ever wants sex anyway so at least that won't be a major problem sad

butterflygirl15 Thu 25-Jun-15 11:04:06

oh dear - I think this may be the straw that broke the camels' back for you sad If you don't want to be with him you don't have to. There is always a way out for you.

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