(Ladies, I am back with more questions) The guilt of cheating is killing me

[samantha303]

I have posted here twice two months ago. I am not sure if any of you remember me.

The guilt of having cheated on my boyfriend is killing me everyday. I know all of you guys have suggested me to leave because of his previous abusive behaviour. but I do want to work things out still. Maybe I am just plain stupid.
As he has told his family and a lot of his friends I have cheated on him, it makes it almost impossible for me to go back to his life. Almost everday, I have one of those nightmares where everyone in his life calls me a bitch and say nasty things. I couldn't sleep well. I can't deal with the fact that I have done such horrible thing.
I felt slightly better these few days.BUT when I found out his mum unfriended me on facebook, I felt so horrible again.

It is SO difficult for me to even try to go back into his life because I know everyone hates me. I hate myself for cheating too.
I don't want to lose him. But I know I can only stay with him for a short period of time cos there is no chance I can face his loved ones and feel proud of myself ever again. I can't even imagine talking to his friends and family again.

How can I be with him while feeling sorry for myself? I do still love him very much.

I thought I had questions..I just needed to rant and cry alone in my room and talk to all of you ladies who have experience in life.. :(

[samantha303]

Today was my final exam results release date and I found out I got all firsts. But now I am crying in my room. :(

[Osirus]

Everyone makes mistakes.

Fantastic exam results - you should feel so proud of what you've achieved.

[samantha303]

Sometimes I even feel sad by looking at his friends' facebook update, cos I think, all these people hate me

[butterflygirl15]

who cares what they think? Why do you want to be with him when he is an abuser?

[samantha303]

butterflygirl15 because I believe he is not an abuser at heart.

But I guess no one will believe I am not a cheater at heart..

[Hissy]

Take your firsts and just get your life back in gear.

Ok so perhaps you made a mistake, you can't live with it, so move on.

By the sounds of it, you will feel better if you allow yourself to forgive yourself, let go of the past and move forwards.

Take a time out, and consider what your life can be

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

Congratulations on your exam results- they are brilliant.

No one is going to give you advice on how to try to maintain an abusive relationship that is clearly causing you a lot of distress. Maybe seeking some counselling might help you come to terms with the situation though. Do you have much support in real life?

[JesseandCeline]

I have done it once in my youth. I caused alot of pain, I suffered for it for ages, tormented by guilt and disliking myself. I convincedmyself I wanted to go back and tried evenrything. Even he tried ut howcould he?
Eventually after a few terrible months I recovered and remember I was not happy with him.

But I learnt avaluable lesson and wouldnever do it again. Ever.

[JesseandCeline]

Try to detach yourself from his people. You. Arenot abad. Person.

[samantha303]

OneDayWhenIGrowUp I can't afford counselling unfortunately. I feel shamed and don't want to tell people. I did tell some people, but they dont have genuie advice/ so i posted on mumsnet :(

[CalleighDoodle]

Congratulations on the exam results! You are now in the enviable position of having choices. The first one should be to walk away from the abusive boyfriend. Second, delete all the people who are his friends, rather than yours, on facebook. Phone friends, arrange nights out and have fun.

[excitedbutscared]

Do you think you cheated because you were craving closeness from someone because the man you loved was abusing you and not giving it to you? If so (you're allowed to be honest with yourself), don't blame yourself. Don't feel bad. Don't care what people think of you - they don't know you or your relationship, how you feel inside or why you did what you did.

Put it down to experience - move on if you can. I know it sounds impossible right now, but it will be easier and the heartache and pain you are going through pondering whether to attempt to get back together with him is not worth wasting your energy on.

[samantha303]

JesseandCeline I don't speak to his friends and family anymore. I know the only way for me to forgive myself is to leave him, but i love him too much. I even feel guilty for saying I love him too much...because of what i did :(

How did you find the courage to leave him?

[mellicauli]

You have some really negative thoughts going on there. Cheating is nothing to be proud of - but if your bf was giving you everything you needed emotionally/physically, you wouldn't have done it.

You really need to grab hold of those negative thoughts and give them no quarter. It is not something that is easy to do but you need to make a concerted effort to block them out. They have no place in your life. Fill all your time - exercise, friends, work, busy-ness, volunteering, meeting new people. Spend time being deliberately shallow and have some fun.

[pinkyredrose]

not am abuser at heart what does that even mean?

[pinkyredrose]

an

[saltnpepa]

This is a road to nowhere. Sometimes in life things are doomed and this is. Your results are your road out, get walking.

[Vivacia]

I thought you both tried counselling at uni and they refused because of his abusive behaviour?
I thought you wanted to get back with him but he isn't interested?
You're not going to get any different advice this time.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

There are a zillion other men out there. Why fixate on this one, when it's so clearly doomed?

Hell, you could even give being single a whirl...

[Vivacia]

And am I right in thinking you weren't able to give consent when you "cheated" with his mate?

[AnyFucker]

are you the young lady who was sexually assaulted by his mate who he remains friends with and has tormented you about it ever since

cut him loose he is a toxic abuser

not sure how many more ways it can be said

[butterflygirl15]

I don't understand how you can justify his abuse of you. It seems ludicrous.

You need to forget about your cheating and focus on the fact that him, and his family, are abusive. And you need to run for the hills as fast as you can. This self flagellation is daft - come on you are an educated woman. You deserve better than this don't you?

[YonicScrewdriver]

I didn't see your last thread.

If his family and friends are insulting you daily and you are miserable, leave. That's aside from the abuse and other issues.

You have no kids together and your relationship is making your life worse. That's enough of a reason to go.

Who knows what the future will hold but you need to break this misery.

[MorrisZapp]

Cheating isn't great but it's hardly a crime, especially when your bf is a twat.

Move on. There's no future with this idiot. How do you do it? By doing it.

I cheated on my first bf, so bloody what.

[shovetheholly]

Congratulations on your results!

So you've just finished your exams. And presumably you're either looking for a job, or waiting to do another course, or just starting a new career. In any case, it's a time of transition - and most people in those kinds of time feel a certain degree of anxiety, don't you think?

And it's tempting when you are anxious and uncertain to beat yourself up, and to cling to what you know.

Do you think that any of this might be just a little bit contextual?

I understand that you feel bad, and I also can hear that you're genuinely sorry. I do think that there is a period of facing guilt when we do things that are wrong, and of owning up in public and going through that process of shame. HOWEVER - this is something that applies to long-term and committed relationships. It does not apply so much to relationships when you are younger and not as committed! I understand that it probably feels that this guy is the Only Man In The World right now, but that's partly the guilt and uncertainty talking. There are loads of other men out there, and not all of them have friends and family who pile in to make things worse either!

Walk away, and try to look forward to your new life. Maybe take the chance to do something different and spontaneous, like travelling or embracing a new experience.