Feel completely betrayed by partner about to go mad and run away baby only 10 weeks old

[Nearlyamok]

...My DP was always a bit selfish and unreliable before our baby came (our first child, a lovely boy) but I foolishly thought everything would change once we were sprogged up, and anyway I didn't want to wait anymore. We agreed we would both take some time off work after the birth - we are both self-employed so it seemed a sensible thing to do. But as soon as the baby came home he decided he was having a work crisis and locked himself in his study for 2 weeks, only emerging to go out to play squash. Attempts to get him to share the baby work result in massive rows, I cry, he promises to change, we draw up a schedule but then the next day he announces he has to go out for a business meeting, or to play squash or see a friend, and so do I mind just doing all the work this one day, and he promises the next day will be different, but it never is. He does cook the meals - and that';s a great relief - I can't cook at all and he's much better than me- but that's all he does really. He also has no money, and doesn't support me financially - so I am doing all the childcare without the plus of being supported financially by him. I recently discovered that the day after the birth, when I was completely exhausted and lying in hospital on a morphine drip trying to deal with a screaming baby, he went out (claiming he had to go and do some chores) and spent the afternoon at a party!!!....I only found out about this the other day - he seems to think it's perfectly understandable, that one of us might as well have a good time. Sorry to whinge on - I feel pretty pathetic tapping all this out but am so depressed about it - really feel he has revealed himself to be a kid who won't grow up and all the responsibility has fallen on me. Love my baby very much indeed, used to love my partner immensely and enjoyed the way he was always finding new ways to enjoy himself, and his autonomy, but now feel - just very sad. Perhaps this is hormonal? Will it get better? Will he eventually adjust to the new environment? Any similar experiences or advice gratefully received.

[hermykne]

nearlyamok your emotions are totally normal in this regard and his actions are totally typical of some males.
have yu a decent hv or any toher support groups around?
have you told any friends or have a friends with babies for similar RL support.

your mood will get better, its overwhelming having a first baby and people react so differently.

try to friend a good friend, ask your dp could he possibly agree to doing cetain things - maybe even a walk with baby. and see what his reaction is

[frumpygrumpy]

Darling, I feel for you. This is such a difficult time of adjustment for both of you and you, quite rightly, want to feel like you are on the same side. From your post it sounds a bit like maybe he is struggling with the adjustment. Personally I have always found baby to toddler age very difficult and felt I was a much better mother once my children were over 2. However, you mention he was always a bit selfish. We all have to make some sacrifices when children come along and at 10 weeks old, I'd be hoping my partner gave up squash for a bit. (Unless I had a really content baby and felt happy myself).

Could you find a way to sit down and talk this through one more time? I appreciate you already have talked but I mean more along the lines of working out what he will do.

If he isn't confident at doing baby stuff will he cook, iron and limit his nights out to once a week? He needs to understand this is a partnership and whilst the responsibilties don't have to be half and half of everything they do have to be agreed and stuck to.

[frumpygrumpy]

And don't worry a jot about getting all this out on here, its what MN is all about. Keep posting.

[frumpygrumpy]

Its a quiet time of night (teatime and bathtime). I'll bump this for you later for more...

[Nearlyamok]

Thanks very much for advice - good to know others go through similar periods of adjustment, and that they come out the other side with relationship intact - hermynkne and frumpygrumpy thanks so much for yours - and I will try again to get him to agree to do certain things - he says he will - but then just changes the rules all the time, so it becomes such an effort trying to get him to do what he said he would do that I give up and just do it anyway. Maybe it's as you say sobernow that he feels left out - (I feel close to doing what you did - good to know that your DH reformed though!) he said that once, when I was particularly desperate - that he just feels there's nothing he can do - but while I understand he can't feed the baby (i am breastfeeding) I also fear he's sort of seeking an excuse in self-professed incompetence ie if he says he doesn't understand what to do and can't do it then he doesn't have to do anything. He is usually so good at things - brilliant at sport, really charming and loads of friends - I think it might be he finds things hard and so is afraid to try - but it's just getting worse - the baby hardly knows him. He proposed a solution which was to invite friends round instead of going out to the pub - so we had a few nights of lots of single blokes coming round (all his close male friends don't have children yet, part of the problem perhaps) and getting drunk and shouting at each other until midnight, which just disrupted the baby and meant I spent all evening in another room trying to calm him.
It really helps to hear about other people's experiences. Feel genuinely half-mad - or maybe even more than half-mad - much as I adore my son.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Is there any chance he's working so hard because he's anxious and eager to try to support you and the baby? Just trying to think of a positive explanation ...

It does sound like he's being unreasonable, does he discuss his plans to go out, before he goes? Does he ever take care of the baby on his own, even for an hour so you can sleep?

[Nearlyamok]

Irishbird you sound much more tolerant than me - I know I should keep a sense of perspective on it. but I just see him (myDP) and feel so angry with him - that he thinks his pleasure is more important than my happiness and the happiness of the baby - because of course it does the baby no good if I am crying half the time and trying to pretend all is OK. But I know people have much worse problems - that's part of the thing - I feel a real sap for being so depressed about all of this.

[Nearlyamok]

That's exactly it - he doesn't tell me what he's about to do - so today (which is what made me so completely smashed) we agreed he would look after the baby this afternoon between 230 and 5pm apart from when I was feeding but then at 4pm he said 'I'm sorry, I've just remembered I've got to play squash in a while, can you look after the baby now, just this once' - and we had a mighty row, but then he went anyway - out of the door, here I am literally holding the baby...And such a terrible row, all for a game of squash - I just wonder if he has lost his mind....!!!

[Nearlyamok]

Irishbird would LOVE to leave DP with the baby - just so he gets an idea of how ruddy hard it is you're right I should just do it - but as you say feel so fragile at presenmt don't want to upset the baby more by messing around with the feeding - can only just deal with things now - but I must get more robust, and do something like this - just force his hand. Now the baby is crying - have to go - thanks so much for responding all you lovely people - it really helps - will come back aas soon as I can.

[FrannyandZucchini]

Oh dear. There is hope, possibly - the night I had ds, dp took the opportunity of me being out of the house to get so drunk that he fell down the stairs and nearly knocked himself unconscious. I remember several such fuckwittage incidents from early on in ds's life but my reaction and his ability to adjust has meant that he fairly quickly turned into a fab and reliable dad.

I would give him some time before running away, while making clear what is and is not acceptable. It is a HUGE culture shock, having a baby, and men don't have the benefit of the hormones which make us want to throw ourselves under a bus to protect our babies. I don't know how they do it, actually, I would have left ds out for the wolves in the early months if I hadn't have been crazy with the love for him

[edam]

He's being extremely selfish and I don't think the 'this is what men do' line excuses it. One possible solution, as suggested, is literally leaving him holding the baby while you go out - can you express? Will baby take a bottle of ebm? OR why don't you see if there's a way you can let him down, so he sees what it feels like?

[edam]

Or write it all down - times, dates, excuses - and present him with a list so he can see exactly how often he's letting you down/claiming things just crop up.

[FrannyandZucchini]

I wouldn't advise leaving him to look after the baby especially not if he is unprepared. I think he is partly feeling very scared and incompetent and so is hiding behind things he knows he is good at - work, sport, and partying.

I think if you leave him with the baby he will find it extremely hard to cope and probably fuck it up, which will make him feel even more insecure and unwilling to try to do things with the baby. I would slowly try to get him more involved and comfortable about caring for ds, and give lots of encouragement for anything he does do or attempts to do. I know this sounds very soft when you are probably feeling like doing him harm, but forcing him look after the baby, in a way that is going to seem like a sort of punishment, is really a bad idea on so many levels

[ChicPea]

I don't know any man who really wants to look after a baby, I think they are a rare breed. My dh certainly doesn't. I know in an ideal world it would be nice to share the load but men just aren't interested I think. They also don't grow up ever and the sooner you (and others) realise that, the sooner you will realise that you are not alone. Women have to be very strong at all times as they do grow up and quick. A friend called me one day and asked how the children were and I answered, 'they're well, two are here and one's at his office' which made her shriek as she agrees that men are just big boys. Hope you get over this low spell. The first few weeks are tough but you love your son and he is much-wanted so you will get over it. Just have to accept you now have 2 children. Congratulations btw.

[Monkeytrousers]

He sounds like a nightmare! Can you give him a scare and kick him out? Let him know you are serious and that he needs to get his head sorted. He has to provide for you financially while you are caring for his child - whether you are a couple or not.

I really don't like the sound of his mates either. He needs to care more about you and the baby than he does about them.

He might be shitting himself, thats normal; but it isn't an excuse for being a twat, frankly.

[WhizzBangCaligula]

OMG I am really shocked by how much tolerance people are having for this selfish shit. So men have difficulty adjusting do they? Well newsflash - so do women, but we do it anyway. Maybe that's why I'm a single parent, because I couldn't tolerate this level of selfishness but I agree with Edam, the "this is what men are like" line will not do. So men don't want to look after babies - maybe not, but most do want to look after the woman they love when she needs them.

I HATE the idea that men are just big children. It's so insulting to real grown up men, apart from anything else. I hate the idea that women are the only adults in the world, it's really deeply depressing and hopeless. And I hope it's not true.

[Pages]

Nearlyamok, so sorry for you. I haven't read the whole thread but 10 weeks post-birth for me was just about breaking point - 10 weeks of lack of sleep, definitely hormonal and my DH seemed to think because I was on maternity leave that it meant he didn't have to do anything because I was home all day. (I might add that so was he because he was working from home at the time - though it was really easy work). I like you felt as if he was living the life of Reilly (whoever that is!) while I was stressed and sleep-deprived and at breaking point.

I only tell you all this to say that whilst I was at probably the lowest period of my life and the closest I've ever been to leaving DH, things did turn around. Hang on in there. Your DP IS being selfish, you are not imagining it, but now is not the time to make any life-changing decisions.

It took until baby was about 6 months before things settled down. It was a huge adjustment for both of us (although it was our second baby it was harder than the first time around) and now (usual domestic blips aside) things are really going well, I feel really happy, and DH and I get on so much better again.

I believe things will get better again for you... hang on in there love x

[Pages]

PS Whizz bang also has a point! I am not saying you should roll over and let him get away with absolving himself...

[WhizzBangCaligula]

I used to know someone called Reilly and he used to get so annoyed about people talking about the life of Reilly...

Sorry, don't mind me, quick diversion there.