Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Time to give up or still some hope left?(10 Posts)
DP and I have been together 8 years, engaged for 2 and have DS 14 months.
Our relationship has been quite rocky for many years, due to very different personalities (me: overly-sensitive and needing to discuss problems; him: cold and unable to express his emotions).
The last 2 years have really put us through the wringer. Bereavements, his family cutting us off for a ridiculous reason, a difficult birth with ongoing injuries afterwards, a baby who cried constantly for the first year of his life and no family support.
I have been diagnosed with severe stress and mild depression and am receiving counselling. I'd bet every penny I have on him also being depressed, but he refuses to see the GP or consider counselling privately (we could afford it, so money's not the issue).
Our relationship is now pretty much dead in the water. We can't communicate anymore - if we're not arguing, we're being overly polite to each other to avoid arguing and it's so false. We've had sex once in 2 years (he doesn't want it, I do, and it's pretty much killed any self esteem I had left to be constantly rejected). There's no joy left in my life and I dread the weekends because we have to spend so much time together. I know I'm failing my DS by bringing him up in a house full of sadness and bitterness.
I know we need to end it but occasionally I see a spark of the old him and I feel like there's a little bit of hope left. Also, I'd absolutely love a little brother or sister for my DS and the thought of it not happening (and never getting the chance to be a mum again, and 'properly' this time) feels unbearable. I know it would be wrong to bring another child into a dysfunctional relationship but I'm clinging on to the hope that things will improve enough for it to happen (and before anyone says it, I know how lucky I am to have a child in the first place).
I've spoken to him about all this many times but it hasn't done any good. He agrees it's bad but thinks we should keep going for DS' sake. He promises to make changes so I agree to stay but never actually does anything, and just goes back to sticking his head in the sand.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and managed to turn things around? Or do I just need to give up and leave? We're currently living on the other side of the world to all our family and friends so there's no practical support here and I don't have anyone in RL to confide in either. Thanks for reading
I think you should work at it but rather than just allow him to say he will make changes, I'd want a clear plan of what the changes will be.
To end it after 8 years, you're depriving yourself of a possibly very happy relationship and another DC.
If you think DP is depressed he probably isn't being consciously difficult but you can't force someone to get help.
Continue to be honest about your feelings so he truely understands where you're at
'I know we need to end it'. You do. Please don't waste your life hanging on in case he changes x
So sorry for you
I found having a baby to put a big strain on the relationship. If your DP is unlikely to go for counselling, could you at least get a babysitter and maybe set aside a day/evening once a week/fortnight/month for just the two of you to go out and reconnect? It could be a good thing for your depression too, to have this treat to look forward to ...
I was in a similar situation to you, also in another country with no family support.
I was the one who wanted to keep trying but in the end exh left when DS was very small. He met someone else.
I don't regret being apart at all. DS and I have a lovely life together and he has a decent relationship with ex.
My one regret is only having had one child. Practically speaking there was no other option, but I know now that this is it and that's hard. However, I also know that I would have never coped with two on my own so I think it's the least worst option if you see what I mean.
Staying and having another baby and then splitting anyway would leave you with an. Awful lot on your plate. I work full time, look after DS with absolutely no outside help, I have to pay all the bills, buy the shoes etc. our standard of living would be very different if my wage was supporting three people.
It sounds as if you're flogging a dead horse in your marriage though, sorry to say. I've been there, it's horrible. I think your mental health might see an improvement once your out of that environment.
Yes, end it.
You've tried to sort it out and continue to do so with talking it through he doesn't give a shit.
You've been together for 8 yrs and engaged for 2. This is the best it's going to be and you've said it's been bad for many years. You've only been together for a few years!
If he were going to do anything to improve it from his end, he would have done so by now.
Thanks for all your kind messages. It helps to feel a little less alone
notinacton the babysitter idea is a good one and I've tried to organise dates a few times before but they've always ended in arguments, unfortunately!! Maybe daytime dates would be better (less tiredness and no alcohol).
formidable, you give me hope that it'll be OK if things don't work out. You sound very together. Thank you.
I'm in your position OP. Married 8 years but with 2 DCs. We've discussed time and time again, had counselling, agreed to try etc etc. DH thinks we should try one more time, I don't. I'm wrecked enough as it is. He's blaming everyone for the demise of our marriage but won't look inwards. He therefore won't change. I feel like I've wasted enough time on it now. No real advice but you're not alone. I really do feel for you
Yes you do need to end this relationship. This has been over for some considerable time as well.
Re your comment:-
"I've spoken to him about all this many times but it hasn't done any good. He agrees it's bad but thinks we should keep going for DS' sake. He promises to make changes so I agree to stay but never actually does anything, and just goes back to sticking his head in the sand".
All are actually very good reasons for ending this relationship now rather than staying within it.
The child must never be used as glue to bind you and he together, also it teaches your son that your relationship was based on a lie. It also teaches your son that a loveless marriage is the "norm".
Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable as you are now.
Folk and Attila, you're both right. I've got to stop 'trying to be positive' because it hasn't got me anywhere. It's time to be a grown-up and face facts.
Winnie, sorry to hear you're going through the same thing. for you too.
DP is a good man but I think he's just as ground down by all of this as I am, and his way of dealing with it is to withdraw further and further away from me. We're just not suited to each other - if only it hadn't taken me 8 years to work it out!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.