Completely blindsided

[magiccatlitter]

My DH and I have been married for 10 years.
I'm not able to have children and when we were dating it was discussed and he said he never wanted children.

The day after our 10th wedding anniversary, he tells me that he wants children and starts telling me about his plan...which doesn't seem to include me in it.

I was shattered.

I was quiet for a couple days and went to talk to him about it more and asked about adoption or surrogate and he said, no, you're just too old.

Ummm wow. Talk about insulting.

We got into a row about it and he was banished to the sofa.

Instead of coming to me, he turned to another women on facebook and was telling her all our personal marriage business. He has had a facebook addiction and I should have done something about that sooner.

So I found out by walking past him and he quickly closes his screen. So I asked him who he was chatting with and he said just a friend from x group.

I opened up the chat and there they were talking about our marriage and she was consoling him, poor dear having to put up with the likes of me.

Well I messaged her and asked why she was chatting with my husband and she had a go at me and said she would talk to him any time she felt like and I told her no she wouldn't. I told her to stay out of our marriage.

So DH unfriended and blocked and deleted his account. I said it really wasn't appropriate to be discussing our marriage with another woman online and he should be discussing our issues with me. He said, well you wouldn't talk to me. Hmm, seems to me every time I tried to talk to him he was on facebook all hours of the day and night.

It's been a week since he deleted facebook, and he is starting to act like a human again towards me.

But what to do about him wanting a child? He said it is a recent thing of about 2 months. He also seems depressed and I spoke to my GP about it when I was having a checkup and she thought it would be good for him to come in for a checkup too.

Our bedroom life has been non existent. He said he has no desire at all and hasn't had an erection in months.

I'm just not sure how to talk to him about it. Honestly, I'm enjoying life without children. Just a few months ago, we were talking about retiring.

[MairzyDoats]

But what is 'his plan' to have children, knowing you can't have them? Or is that just a convenient excuse for when he wants to bow out of your marriage? It sounds to me like he's laying the groundwork to leave....

[magiccatlitter]

Yes, he has always known I can't have any. His plan seemed to be him getting a promotion finishing his advanced studies and then having a child.

That is when I said, I don't seem to be in this plan.

Maybe he is wanting out? Why, I have no idea?

[RobinandRowena]

How old is he?
If you are too old, then so is he?
He has always known you can't have babies and then he tells you about his plan!?? He is contacting another woman and you haven't had sex for months. There seems to be a lot going wrong in your relationship.
You need to sit down and have an honest talk with him.
If he won't engage, email him and then you can put your points across clearly and calmly.
Good luck!

[twistletonsmythe]

him and this woman - could it be more than friends?

I don't think you warning her off, or stopping him contacting her, is a solution at all. Or are you now going to spend the rest of your time with him policing every move?

[MrsLeighHalfpenny]

Erm, to state the bleeding obvious OP, YOU are discussing your marriage with other women on MN. Why is that OK for you, but not OK for your DH to do it on FB?

What is his plan for having children? Is the problem that you don't want children and he does (big), or is his plan the problem (get round-able with compromise on both sides).

[Chinhairscare]

That sounds v hard OP. Are you able to share why you can't have them? I'm wondering if science has moved on since your diagnosis? Obviously there's other issues to sort first!

[MairzyDoats]

He sounds awfully, horribly selfish...is he planning on conceiving and geststing a baby on his own? I'd donate him to medical science if so...

[SlaggyIsland]

MrsLeigh presumably because she's not trying to chat us up?
What a pointless and unhelpful post.

[MrsLeighHalfpenny]

Was he chatting anyone up? She said he was discussing marital problems.
Just pointing out that what's sauce for the goose.....

[Bogeyface]

MrsLeigh

A discussion on an anonymous group "Agony Aunt" forum is so far removed from intimate discussions with one person of the opposite sex in private messaging that I am amazed you are trying to compare the two!

[Jenoftheweek]

Sauce for the goose, eh? How is an anonymous forum that offers support and advice comparable to Facebook?
If you have nothing to say to support the OP, feck off.

[Purpleboa]

Agreed - and the OP says she can't have children in her first post so that's pretty clear! Mrs Leigh I think you are missing the point here...

OP I'm sorry to hear this. Without knowing further facts, I'd agree with the other posters in that you need to really talk with your DH.

[magiccatlitter]

He is 40 and I'm 46.
I had a hysterectomy some years back.
I do think he might be depressed and need medical help.
Our issues seemed to start when he got a facebook account earlier this year.

I don't think more is going on with her. She lives in another country. He may have liked her but I don't think she seriously liked him for more than an ego boost. I did look at her fb and she seemed to have no life other than that posting up half nude photos to get likes and comments from men.

Posting to a "anon" message board is very much different than chatting privately one on one with someone of the opposite sex.

If he posted here or another message board online, I would have no issue with that. He said he had a male friend to talk to and I have no issue with that either.

I want to talk to him more but I have no idea how to start or what to say to him.

I mean what if he really truly wants children? That would mean our marriage is over.

[nequidnimis]

It sounds to me that talking to other women online has made him think that he might be happier in a different relationship, and is using his desire for children as an excuse.

If the primary problem was children he would be discussing ways to make that happen with you, or at least raising the issue sensitively.

I think you have no choice but to ask him whether he wants to separate, as to continue in this uncertain way is unsustainable.

[MyPelvicFloorTrainsItself]

Who exactly does he plan to have a child with?

[magiccatlitter]

Maybe having the fb has made him think the grass is greener elsewhere. He said that all his old school mates had kids and he was the only one who didn't.

He didn't say who he'd be having this child with. He said he doubted he would ever find anyone else anyway.

If he is that unhappy, and planning to make an exit, I would like to know and not be drug along until he decides he is done.

I'm quite upset. After 10 years of what I thought was a happy marriage, he throws this on me.

[pocketsaviour]

He didn't say who he'd be having this child with. He said he doubted he would ever find anyone else anyway.

Translation: "Ideally I'd like to leave you and find someone else and have kids with them, but I don't think I'll find anyone now so I guess I'll just stick around in this half-arsed marriage until someone better comes along."

Wow, what a massive cunt.

I would take that as he has given you notice that he's halfway out of the door, sorry. If he wanted to make things work with you he would be looking at adoption and surrogacy solutions.

Might be worth suggesting marital counselling if you think he would go along with it?

[whattodoforthebest2]

So he's keeping you as a back-up, in case he can't find anyone else? Really?

His words and actions are telling you something - so listen. What a prize prick.

Sorry, OP, you deserve to be treated far, far better than that.

[AnyFucker]

Your problem isn't FB, nor this woman he has been talking to, nor the fact that you cannot have children

your problem is your husband

[magiccatlitter]

I did mention adoption and surrogacy but he said I was too old. I'm 46 and realistically I might be around 48 to actually have the child by either means.

48 seems a bit old to be a mum?

Plus, I'm really not that keen on it at this point. I'm ready to retire.

If he wanted a child, we could have done one of those options say 8 years ago but all this time he said he didn't.

It does sound like he is being a shifty twunt.

I asked him the first time if he wanted to go to counselling with me and he said no. Later when I asked him again, he said he might.

I really don't want to play on/off games with him and just wish he will tell me the truth but I suspect he is too cowardly to tell me that.

So I do try to talk to him and end up more confused each time.

[mrstweefromtweesville]

You are going to have to let him go, I think. You can't have children and you don't want them. That suited him for a while and now it doesn't. He doesn't want a child with you, he wants a child or children with a younger woman. That's what he's told you.

Sort out your life so you can be happy single.

[fusspot66]

Kick him out.
Take back your power.
Let him do his 'thinking' elsewhere.
He is cruel and disrespectful.

[PoppyField]

Yep, shifty twunt seems to be the case OP.

Something is up and he is being a coward about it. The easiest way to shift blame on to you is to start on something he knows you can't change. Nice.

Don't know what to suggest, apart from what AF says. He is being slippery when you try to talk to him so sounds like ultimatum time... maybe that is what he wants you to do.

Don't worry yourself about whether he is depressed or not, think of what a shit he is being to you and find your anger. He is finding your most vulnerable spot (or what he thinks is your most vulnerable spot - I have no idea how you feel about being childless), so not kind, or respectful or loving, come to that. Makes me angry on your behalf. This is shit behaviour from someone who is supposed to love you. Challenge him. He's dropped a bomb and run away. Arghghghh!

[whattodoforthebest2]

You sound as if you're being very patient about this, OP. I would be bloody furious, insulted and incredibly hurt that, after being together so long, he can turn around, out of the blue, and say this so cruelly. He has had 10 years to address this if he wanted to and he hasn't.

I'd be thinking about leaving him to it. How do you know that, even it if all blows over now, he's not keeping an eye out for someone else to have children with in years to come?