The Ex Husband and Christmas

[brittanyfairies]

I've posted on relationships several times over the past, basic back story is XH ended 17 yr marriage with a 3 minute phone call and change of relationship status on FB to show he was with OW. Left me and DCs stuck in France, cleaned out bank accounts and left me going to food banks until I could get myself sorted. That was 3 years ago now and while absolutely furious at the time it's history. My life has moved on it's better than it ever was and I'm happier than I was when married. So this is me venting my frustration with the whole situation now.

The problem is with the DCs - in the three years since ex left he's seen the DCs for less than one month in total. Since November last year he's seen them for a total of 3 days. He never takes them over half the school holidays and refuses to pay childcare because apparently that's covered by his maintenance. Maintenance is a big fat carrot on a stick dangled in front of me whenever I don't toe the line.

This last weekend he had the DCs, picked them up at midday Saturday, dropped them off at 6.00 Sunday afternoon (he had wanted to bring them back earlier). During the weekend he told DC2 that he wanted them to go to his house for Christmas. DCs and I talked about this last night DC1 says absolutely not, much as he loves his dad it would be like having Christmas with strangers. DC2 (10) feels pulled because he knows they had Christmas with me last two years so he's trying to be fair, but he wants to stay home for Christmas Day. XH only yesterday when I asked again refused to have the kids in the summer holidays because he's going away with his partner.

Last night I emailed XH and basically said the above, that he hasn't made an effort to see them over the last three years, he avoids having them in school holidays, kids are like puppies and not just for Christmas. I did say he could take them any time he wanted after 2.00 on Christmas day and keep them till 2nd January. I've also said that if he shares school holidays next year, sees the DCs every six weeks (which would actually coincide with most half terms) then he would have more of a relationship to have them next year. I realise he's not going to take them on Christmas Day because he doesn't want to leave his partner in the UK at Christmas, but he could arrange for a flight on boxing day or just after. This morning I've opened up my email to another one of his ranty angry emails. He just goes on and on at me, I never get to the end of them. I've had enough of him to be honest, he swans in and out of the DCs lives when it suits him, they have no routine with him. DC1 is disconnecting all the time because he can't form a relationship with him. I'm just really tired of all this shit from one man. I really want him just to commit to regular visits with the DCs and to be honest just so that I can have some time off - I've had two mornings since last November when I can have a lie in and not worry about getting up and dealing with DCs.

But I'm standing my ground on this one, I have no-one here to help me I deal with the DCs every single day with no help whatsoever. DC1 has SEN and DC2 is difficult. I think if I deal with the day to day crap I get the good stuff too.

Sorry for the length of this, I'm just worn down by it all to be honest.

[SylvaniansAtEase]

Jesus.

Just stop.

He is treating the children with exactly the same lack of care, love and even basic humanity that he showed all of you three years ago. You should not be surprised by this. The only thing you should do is come to terms with the fact that this is a foul non-father, that continued attempts to respond and encourage as if he is a normal human and father capable of building a relationship with his children are doomed, and you should simply stop contacting him.

Your DC1 is fast coming to the end of trying to have a relationship, your DC2 won't be far behind. I honestly think the best response now, for the sake of their emotional wellbeing, is to ACKNOWLEDGE to them, publicly, that this is flogging a dead horse: it's not them, it's him. Let them see that the way you act supports what they are living and feeling - validate what they're having to go through, and just stop trying. Otherwise you run the risk of going too far - leaving them with the impression that Dad should be feeling more for them, should be doing more... he isn't... so is it them at fault??

It goes without saying that he doesn't deserve any of you to even acknowledge his existence. Christmas?! I laughed out loud at that. Why should you, or the children he also left basically to starve, give a shit what he wants? In fact, I'd argue that even considering any requests from him that don't exactly tie in with what you three want is detrimental to you all. It's important, and right, to essentially dismiss from your everyday lives someone as corrosive.

Stop emailing. Don't respond to him. Let your children take the lead. And reinforce that what their father decides he wants and what's right for him is very much not normal, not kind and not necessary for them to consider.

[scallopsrgreat]

I think that this is one time where it is incredibly appropriate to say "No, is a complete sentence".

Disengage.

[brittanyfairies]

Thanks for listening and responding. I won't be responding to his email, I rarely do, normally only to give information. Sometimes I get drawn in, but most times I try to not engage, but it's hard when presented with his craziness. He turns everything around so it's all about hard done by he is and what a controlling bitch I am, so that sometimes I think I'm going crazy.

I said no to him in my email last night, I'm not going to respond to today's rant which after reading includes how I'm a terrible mother to DC1 because after him attending weekly doctor's/pyschologist's meetings for the last 6 years we agree that while exhibiting some autistic traits, the main problem for DS1 is his dyspraxia. Based on the 25 days XH has been with DS1 in the last three years, this is wrong and I'm going to ruin DS' adult life by not recognising he has aspergers. He even sent me a link of symptoms from the internet telling me DS1 had 80% of them - he has two.

Also I'm a cold hearted bitch because I took the time to go to IKEA alone on Saturday when DCs were with XH and not go to DC2s end of year show. The fact that I asked DC2 first and he was fine with it, because he hates IKEA and this was my only chance to go alone, and that I've been to the end of year show by myself for the previous nine years.

It's relentless, he's such an angry man. Last month he was going on and on at me because I'd bought a new car (10 yrs old) and take the DCs on holiday. The way he goes on you'd think I was the one who had an affair and left.

[twistletonsmythe]

He sounds hell. I agree disengage and also - can you formalise maintenance and stop letting him use it as a stick to beat you with?

[Finola1step]

One word - ignore.

This man is full of hot air. What have you got in place re maintenance on paper?

[popalot]

He sounds like a total twat. Over the next few years I would let their relationship with him dwindle away. If he emails, request that he simply asks when he wants to see the boys and tell him you will not respond to any email that discusses anything else at all.

[brittanyfairies]

The maintenance was agreed in the financial order of the divorce, but in the last two months I've had 'if I marry [partner] then your maintenance will be reduced' she has two DCs and it's obvious that both their fathers are very hands on and then he lost his job, so told me I wouldn't be getting anything, as he'd rather stack shelves in Sainsburys than go back to London to work.

popalot that's what I'm doing to be honest. DC1 doesn't really bother and very rarely speaks to XH on the phone, although he did have a nice time this weekend. DC2 is different he's very much 'daddy, daddy look at me' when XH visits.

I had to enter into email discussions this weekend because when DC1 was with XH he was violently assaulted by some other kids (in a soft play of all places). He was still crying when XH returned him to me, and XH said he'd had a bit of a mishap and didn't really give me any details (because as came out later he hadn't been watching). As DS was crying, I did kind of shut the door on him and went to deal with him.

When I was getting DS1 ready for his bath and took his clothes off him his body was covered in bruises including a footprint on his forehead, ribs, shoulders. I emailed XH to ask why he hadn't reported it to the police? And why hadn't he been watching? And that's what kicked of his first arsey email to me. Then he started going on about how hard it is to look after the DCs because I won't allow him access to my house and they have to stay in a hotel. it's right, I won't, in the past he's stolen stuff from me, accused me of having sex with someone when he had the DCs because I hadn't made the bed (of course he was living with OW by then), rants about how I can afford new furniture. So I don't let him in now, because basically he wants to sit on my sofa, watching my TV and eating my food, while stopping me having a child free day and the DCs just entertain themselves as usual.

It's very therapeutic getting this all off my chest and when giving other people the info, they confirm he is a twat. It's been roiling inside me all day.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Keep offloading here - you and your dc have had years of cuntychops' crap behaviour and it may take 3 threads or more before you feel any relief.

When reading your post I wondered how the hell you cope with no support to give you much needed respite. I know you don't have any choice but to carry on putting one foot in front of the other, but if you're in the UK you could perhaps explore the possibility of getting a family support worker to take some of the burden off your shoulders.

May I suggest that if dc1's bruises are still visible, you consider taking him to A&E to have them logged and report the incident to the police in the event that at some future date you need to provide evidence of cuntychops' failure to properly safeguard his dcs when they are with him.

I doubt it will come to that as your boys are coming to an age where they will be able to determine whether or not they want to spend time with their sperm donor 'd'f, but it is better to be safe than sorry in such matters..

for you, honey and a for later.

[Handywoman]

Oh goodness what a utterly entitled, deluded arsewipe this man is!

He has no rights to request the dc at Christmas. It's laughable! If he was actually A Parent it might be different.....

I've no idea how you are still functioning with so little support. I hope you do find time do look after yourself somehow. Especially supporting your dc's markedly different needs wrt with the situation.

You are amazing. He is a shitball. Massive hugs and and and keep posting here.

[Pinkballoon]

Could you get the same maintenance by going through the CSA? If so, I would.

Otherwise, just ignore. You've got enough on your plate raising children on your own, without dealing with him.

[brittanyfairies]

I can't go through CSA because the DCs are not UK residents. The best thing for me would be he stopped paying it and then I'd apply for a court order to take it straight from his salary. But to be honest, these days I think I'd rather not have it, him paying that 12% of his salary (and not a penny more even if it's towards extra curricular activities or school trips) means that he can rant at me about how I spend my money. Last month when he told me that maintenance might be reduced or stopped. I panicked because my earning capacity is limited and with the DCs and XH not paying or helping with holiday childcare I can't get out and earn much money so his maintenance is just less than 50% of what I live on.

He sent me one of his long ranty emails about how I had just had my house all refurbished (insurance claim after being flooded for nine weeks in 2013/14),bought a new car (10 years old and I suspect a friend doing me a favour and selling it to me cheap when she moved back to the UK) and that I'd had a holiday in Australia (paid for by my brother who lives there and I haven't seen for 10 years). So all these things look like I've got shit loads of money, but the truth is it's the kindness of others or the fact that I was homeless for seven months when my home was wrecked.

But I shouldn't have to account to him for my actions, I could be a millionaire and he still needs to support his DCs. I have no interest in what he does with his life or money.

It's just wearing me down, I can cope with having the DCs and looking after them with no support system. I'm used to it and they are really lovely children. But these aggressive nasty emails all the time are just doing my head in. He is the only person in the world where I fantasise about something horrible happening to them just so I'd never have to deal with him again, and that's not a nice thing to have to admit.

[BreadmakerFan]

What a vile man.

Every time he accuses you of something I'd be thinking it is exactly what HE is doing.

Your sons sound old enough to make their own decisions about seeing this man and clearly, no he does not get Christmas!!

[BreadmakerFan]

Change your email? Either give the new one only to him, and then never look at it, or tell everyone else the new one and never look at it.