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regretting

(6 Posts)
downbeatmum Tue 16-Jun-15 23:41:33

I have been with my partner for 7 years now, I have a child from a previous relationsship. I worked hard to give the best to my dc and have my own house/job/income. I have always known i'm strong and independent and when I met dp i was confident, attractive, fun and happy.
I loved being with dp, he seemed like a perfect match.He was fun and made me feel desirable and so important. this continued for many years. Until we hit an obstacle. I became pregnant. Not from lack of being careful. We were both shocked and knew it wasn't part of the plan. I was totally against abortion. so you can imagine my struggle, wondering how we would cope financially and as a couple, i also felt my dc would suffer and found myself leaning towards just wanting everything to be back to the way it was. V childish I nkow, but it was shock. dp was in denial, understandably, head in sand, but it was his comments of how this would effect his future career prospects, living situation etc. It was all about him. I took this as shock.
he was asking me to terminate, he wanted to be with me but not like this. I struggled for weeks. Eventually i couldn't take the responsibility and i booked an apt. I asked him to come and he said that he couldn't get the day off work at all. I was hurt. but i knew i had to make this decision, ultimately it was me. It was horrific and I'll never forget it. I think i resented dp in many ways after that. He tried then to do everything for me. Relief i'm not sure, he did say he didn't have the balls and that he was ashamed of himself and admired me so much. this somewhat fell on deaf ears for many weeks after as i struggled. I still struggle with that decision, but i have blocked it out somehow. It is almost like a horrible dream and don't quite believe it when i think about it. I'm not sure in myself was i weak to take the easy route or strong to weigh up everything and know it would have been an awful decision.
Roll on another 2 years. i still in the back of my head resented dp. I would bring it up and he would shh me. change the subject. But recently he has become so self absorbed, everything in life is about him. He also works alot now and i feel the resentment creeping back. I suspect he's not as interested in me, only when he needs something. this he will deny completely if i even mention it, he will tell me it's all in my own head. I feel I have put so much into this relationship, i have forgiven so many selfish instances and that i'm almost 'handy'. I feel that someone else is giving him the attention he needs and I don't know why. i do struggle with trust and always have, he reassures me but his words now aren't cutting it.
I feel terrible that we have gone through so much, i feel awful that i was swayed by him to make a decision that if i admit it i regret. So in keeping the relationship going i have felt that it means that it wasn't for nothing.
But i'm not sure i can go on anymore, i do love him, but he's making me realise that he's an utterly selfish man who cares about only himself. this makes me so sad as it isn't how i imagined and wanted it to be. So why can't i just walk away. what is keeping me with this man who is making me feel unhappy and that we have almost lost the love we had for each other.
why can't he ever compliment me, ask about my day, want to help me when i'm stuck and show he cares. he always said i was the one woman who he felt he could be with forever. But my life is passing day by day and i am looking back athe 7 years almost resenting the loss of those years with him. this makes me utterly sad. i don't know what to do. it's on my mind all the time and i don't want to leave, but i'm not completely happy. then i wonder will i ever be happy with anyone.

SunshineBossaNova Wed 17-Jun-15 00:18:41

I'm so sorry you've gone through this downbeatmum. It seems terribly cruel to have left you to go through this on your own. flowers

I have a history of staying in crappy relationships (currently planning to leave husband no. 2, who is alcoholic) so I'm probably not the best person to give advice. However, have you considered some counselling to help you decide a way forward?

Big un-Mumsnetty hugs.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 17-Jun-15 01:25:03

Presumably, if he's living in your house he'll be the one doing the leaving?

Without knowing whether he pulls his weight around the house, contributes an equal amount to your joint household and other expenses, etc, it seems that he's a leech whose selfishness is sucking the lifeblood out of you.

Don't think of it as 7 years wasted; think of it as 7 years during which time you've grown exponentially and have come to realise that, as this relationship no longer enhances your life, you are going to go forward alone with your dc.

With regard to the termination, you made the right decision for you and for your dc. It took considerable strength of mind for you to do so and I suspect that his reaction, both before and after, gave you an unwelcome glimpse of what was under the mask he'd hitherto been wearing which, together with his many other failings, has led to the state of disenchantment you are in today.

The feeling that you're 'almost handy' is spot on as that is exactly what you are to him and I have no hesitation in predicting that unless you turf him out, you will come home one fine day to find him gone because he's using you to mark time until he's ready to marry/have dc - and he's got no intention of making that level of commitment to you.

Don't discount your feeling that 'someone else is giving him the attention he needs' because I suspect that is also spot on and perfect in accordance with the above paragraph.

Regardless of whether they are positive or negative, none of our life experiences can be said to be wasted unless we fail to learn from them.
Similarly, nature abhors a vacuum and any empty space in your life after you've divested yourself of a man who is draining you dry, will soon be filled to overflowing.

You may not know whether you'll 'ever be happy with anyone' in the long term, but you sure can have a lot of fun finding out. grin

Life is said to go in 7 year cycles; this cycle has ended and it's up to you to make sure you don't miss out on the next 7.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 17-Jun-15 03:07:59

perfectly in accord

goddessofsmallthings Thu 18-Jun-15 00:14:28

Hoping that all is well with you, downbeatmum.

downbeatmum Thu 18-Jun-15 00:21:35

thank you both for taking the time to respond. goddess you have laid it all out there and so clear. so articulate and makes me see it in black and white. v hard when you are in it due to regret/feelings/history.
I know I deserve more, i keep wanting to give him a chance to prove it as i know he could, but he won't and wether it's pride/stubborn/selfishness or own agenda, he won't step up.
in one way to think that life is in 7 cycles gives me the strength to say i want the next7 to be different. To have more of an upbeat feeling towards life and a partner who i can depend on. i see so many partners who step up to the plate and hate that I choose or enabled mine to not have to.
i have been utterly unhappy today as i told him how i felt and was told i am overthinking things. this is his typical response. get over things. there are too many now and i 70% of me is now over him and what he has to offer me.

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