Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

did I get it right this time?

(21 Posts)
Ihavedonetherightthing Tue 16-Jun-15 20:18:21

I have namechanged because I know if anyone recognised my usual name I would be told to take a break from men (first red flag and yes you would be right)
I.have been dating a man for 4 months. We see each other 1-2 times a week. A few weeks after we met he was rushed into hospital where he stayed for nearly 2 weeks. I visited him everyday, fed his cat etc
Since he got out of hospital his recovery has been slow. We get on brilliantly. I laugh so much when with him - something that has been sadly lacking.
But. The physical side of things. Its um lacking. He says it his meds. However his meds don't stop him receiving oral sex or being masturbated. However he never reciprocates. Not once. Even touching me lasts for only a few seconds before he wants to have 'proper' sex. I have told him my needs aren't being met. He has made me feel bad and says that it is down to his meds and he seldom wanks at the moment. I said thats fine but how come he can have a blow job yet his meds stop him at least acknowledging my needs?
Told him it was over. He replied that he loves me and he won't be so selfish and we can work on things.
I was right to finish it yes? Or am I being mean like he says?

EvilTendency1 Tue 16-Jun-15 20:20:04

Nah I too would be feeling that way too, he can still orgasm other ways but blames it on the meds when it doesn't suit ?

Next.

Ihavedonetherightthing Tue 16-Jun-15 20:20:42

Don't need to answer! Just reread my op grin yep I did the right thing! Good to get it down and out of my head tho!
Laughing at myself here. Sorry to have wasted your time grin

Imnotaslimjim Tue 16-Jun-15 20:21:47

You totally got it right this time, you're worth much more than that. Well done for walking away

Ihavedonetherightthing Tue 16-Jun-15 20:27:22

Thankyou both of you flowers
Amazing how just seeing my own words written down clarified things for me.
Delete and block!

tallwivglasses Tue 16-Jun-15 20:59:32

Funny, I wonder if anyone has noticed that as a side effect of certain meds - the inability to give orgasms to a partner yet perfectly able to receive them? Yes OP, you did the right thinggrin

goddessofsmallthings Tue 16-Jun-15 22:13:03

A doctor writes:

Your newly binned ex is suffering from fellatus receptus nil reddo which is a symptom of wankitis, a condition which afflicts males who are genetically or otherwise predisposed to lazybones syndrome or idleitis as it is more commonly known.

Sadly, there is no cure and any periods of spontaneous remission are likely to be brief.

EvilTendency1 Tue 16-Jun-15 22:46:51

goddess gringrin

Ihavedonetherightthing Tue 16-Jun-15 23:04:29

Ha ha goddess that is genius
Wish I had listened to my instincts a month ago but better late than never!

goddessofsmallthings Tue 16-Jun-15 23:47:50

Next time do try to remember that the kiss of life is administered mouth to mouth not mouth to dick, and it is vital you get it right when the recipient is one. grin

Ihavedonetherightthing Wed 17-Jun-15 10:31:27

grin

Anniegetyourgun Wed 17-Jun-15 10:44:01

It's not "mean" to end a relationship that isn't working for you after a mere four months. You don't owe him the chance to change. If he has any sense he'll take your concerns on board in the way he treats the next catsitter girlfriend, but if all he can do is tell you you are a nasty person for not wanting to be with him it's not hopeful.

Ihavedonetherightthing Wed 17-Jun-15 10:51:45

He's going down the 'I'm disappointed you didn't fight harder for us' route.
I do feel bad. He is genuinely lovely and we get on great. But after his message saying 'I'm worried I will be shit at sex' I replied saying that I, at 38, am not willing to be a teacher to a 45yr old man who won't discuss sex and doesn't seem to understand that women have wants/needs/desires too!
Urgh so angry at myself! My last 4 relationships (3 of which resulted in children) have all been with men who have issues and in my desperate need to appear non judgemental I have ended up yet again thinking I can rescue/save the person. What is fucking wrong with me!

goddessofsmallthings Wed 17-Jun-15 12:34:45

<<sigh>> Only the usual triumph of hope over experience which afflicts the majority of womankind those whose compassion for others leads them to neglect their own needs.

Ihavedonetherightthing Wed 17-Jun-15 12:54:54

I am stealing that goddess and putting it on my fridge to remind me not to go there again!
Underneath I will add 'do not neglect oneself at the expense of others'
flowers

Cancookdontcook Wed 17-Jun-15 15:07:55

What! His excuse is he is worried he won't do it right? At the age of 45? I've never heard such rubbish.

Yes you've done the right thing. And be as judgmental as you like, next time earlier.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 17-Jun-15 15:17:59

"I have ended up yet again thinking I can rescue/save the person".

Yep, that is the real crux of your problems here; this innate wanting to rescue and or save. You simply cannot act as either a rescuer and or a saviour in a relationship; neither approach works.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your parents show you?.

What you have tried to date has not worked so a completely new approach is needed. You're making the same old mistakes over and over. You have an awful lot of stuff to unlearn and counselling would be a good idea. You certainly need to reign in your rescuer and or saviour tendencies because those make you a magnet for lowlifes to take full advantage of.

MatrixTrilogy Wed 17-Jun-15 15:48:26

This thread makes me giggle.

I once briefly dated a 46 year old man and things were getting steamy and I said in the heat of the moment "suck my clit" grin and he replied "I don't know where it is?".............I just had to end it because I wasn't prepared to teach a 46 year old about the female anatomy!

Ihavedonetherightthing Fri 19-Jun-15 13:13:03

matrix did you manage to keep a straight face when he asked that? grin were you honest with him?
attila nope I had a shit example set to me growing up. Each time I think I think I have turned a corner though. Where is the best place to go for helpor counselling re my rescuers complex? Have tried counselling through my GP and it was awful.
Have received lots of messages fromhim that veer from 'I love you' to 'you are smarmy and cocky' & back to 'please try again'. I feel like shit sad

thegreysheep Fri 19-Jun-15 13:40:11

Delete and continue to ignore, you have done the right thing, and at least stopped things in it's tracks earlier, and recognise your trigger and also the blueprint you were given in the past.

Maybe the Freedom Programme? Don't be too hard on yourself, you're making progress smile

goddessofsmallthings Fri 19-Jun-15 15:57:31

<<puts tongue in cheek>> It seems to me that in the best interests of your emotional wellbeing you will find it beneficial to post his messages here so that we can take the piss out of them help you identify any discrepancy between what he is saying now and his behaviour before you binned him.

<<takes tongue out of cheek>> What you shouldn't do is allow his self-generated angst to make you "feel like shit" for binning a man whose selfishness in the bedroom department made you "feel bad".

You have nothing whatsoever to blame yourself for but, as it is a proveable fact that some among us are their own worst enemies, you are best advised to avoid adding the trait of self-blame to your innate desire to rescue those who are beyond hope others.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now