Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can anyone tell me they made it through something like this (an extreme EA)?

(7 Posts)
Badcheese Tue 16-Jun-15 14:51:11

Can anyone provide some hope ie if their marriage survived a similar situation and their relationship is ok now, and some guidance?

I have had two EAs lasting across the last 2 years. Both were unreciprocated and consisted of my obsessions and fantasies, and pursuing the company of these OM under the guise of being a friendly colleague. I was completely emotionally unfaithful to DH and physically unfaithful as I thought about these OM while I was with DH. I became distant from DH and our 2 DC. I fully expect a flaming on here for my hideous behaviour.

The OM did not know, until I drunkenly told OM2 in April that I had feelings for him. He does not feel the same way. It all came out a few days later when DH discovered the subsequent texts I sent to a girlfriend.

Both men were at work. I got ridiculously swept up in a billy-big-balls job I loved in a very male-dominated environment, possibly I became narcissistic during this period. I was not like this before and it seems completely bizarre to me now that I allowed this to happen.

On top of all this I also drunkenly snogged another guy from work, someone I didn't even fancy. And then lied about it repeatedly. The trust in the relationship has been totally shattered.

We are in couples counselling now. I am trying to rebuild with DH but he has had to drag me through lies, partial truth and defensiveness to get me to the honesty we both need. His heart is broken and I am struggling through my own shame and guilt to give him the loving and care that he needs in his pain. I seriously need to grow up otherwise I will lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. DH is wonderful and loving, and has done nothing to deserve any of this.

I won't bleat on about my sad little life before I met DH because frankly none of that can explain or justify what I have done to him.

How can I make this better?

pocketsaviour Tue 16-Jun-15 14:55:51

OK, so you haven't had emotional affairs, what you've actually had have been crushes. One of whom presumably has no idea of how you felt, and the other one does but doesn't like you that way.

You certainly haven't been "physically unfaithful" as you haven't even touched either of them.

We all fancy other people, all the time, and make excuses to "run that file over to so-and-so's office" or "grab a coffee in this coffee shop and not that one" so you can see the cute person you are crushing on. It doesn't mean you've had an affair!

Drunken snog, yeah that happens. Big deal.

Who has told you you've been having an affair? Is that what you're telling yourself, or is that what your H has told you?

Badcheese Tue 16-Jun-15 15:15:03

Nice of you to be supportive but you have no idea how bad this got in the real world. I was chasing married fathers, one of them going through ivf with his DW. My DH has been totally used and abused by me. When things started coming to a head I started off by blaming him for 'letting me down' over some stuff in our relationship - all of which was not even the cause because I had started doing what I was doing before his 'offences' (which he immediately admitted to and apologised for btw).

Most affairs/EAs seem to last a couple of months before the unfaithful person confesses. I let this go on for years and then didn't even confess.
I don't agree that it has to be reciprocal to be an EA. I was emotionally completely unfaithful. My head and heart got full of these OM and there was no space for DH until he snapped me out of it 2 months ago.

badbaldingballerina123 Tue 16-Jun-15 20:32:00

Are you being truthful with him now Op ?

PuellaEstCornelia Tue 16-Jun-15 20:42:32

Sorry, I agree with pocketsaviour - it was a crush. You are allowed a little faantasy in your head; it's not being physically unfaithful. And yes they have to reciprocate, otherwise me and Johnny Depp have been having an emotional affair for years!
You seem to be really over dramatising this - are you sure this isn't something else going on
Sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to be, but it sems a total over-reaction to what you've said has happened!

Happymum1985 Tue 16-Jun-15 21:03:45

I get that you feel really guilty about this because you have been lusting after someone who isnt DH for months and months. You also probably know that deep down, had the other man reciprocated your feelings, you would have acted on them. The only thing that prevented you from being physically unfaithful was that he didnt feel the same way. So I see that it isnt quite as innocent as a crush on Johnny Depp. BUT.. people have done way way worse, and the fact you felt the need to be honest, and the fact that you are going through counselling now is very positive.

It will be tough for your DH to feel that you want other men more than him, but I do think that there is clearly enough left in your marriage to piece it back together and make it stronger than it has ever been. Don't be too hard on yourself- nobody is perfect, and more people have had (as you call them) EA's than would ever admit Im sure.. and probably call themselves 'happily married' in spite of them! Goodluck!!

kittensinmydinner Tue 16-Jun-15 21:20:03

Something strange about this ? Is this a reverse ? Is this in fact what your Dh has done to you ?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now