Sister issues.....again

[Letsgoroundagain1]

I have name changed, people "know" me on here.

My eldest sister lives abroad, she is visiting for a few weeks. She is extremely toxic and has done quite a number of things that are at best irrational and at worst vicious.

She is not good in drink, she becomes extremely hostile. At the weekend, we were away (five of us) staying in a hotel. We all had a fair amount to drink, but I was being careful, I know what she can be like.

Anyhow, she came to my room (everyone was in my room), and all was fine for a while, she then launched into a tirade of abuse, spanning years. I remained calm, asking her to leave, but she wouldn't. Eventually, she could not get me to argue, so she hit me.

Everyone went mad, pinned her down etc, I again asked her to leave, but she refused. Given this, I called a cab (we were in London but we don't live that far) and went home.

She brought up petty arguments from 10 plus years ago, she brought up arguments that had nothing to do with her even. She was shocking, everyone was telling her to be quiet etc.

Anyhow, the next morning she called and left a voicemail crying and apologising. I was massively exhausted and at a low ebb yesterday, so I did go and see her as she had asked. Her apology was "I am sorry I hit you yesterday", not "I'm sorry". I know this is her way of saying I wasn't wrong to come barging into your room and deciding that I am going to character assassinate you, in front of others and when I am drunk. I think it was all totally wrong.

I want to end our relationship, I am getting nothing from it but something in my head is still saying "she is your sister".

Do I have a conversation with her and ask why she is not sorry for the other stuff, not just the slap round the face? Or do I just quietly (as possible) withdraw from contact? I would like an explanation.

She has form for huge arguments when drunk, but not the hitting. She seems to hold a huge amount of hatred, which in some ways I feel sorry for her having that feeling.

[LazyLouLou]

Well, you have 2 choices:

1. Simply disconnect. No more instigating contact and if she tries, ignore. If she sends in friends, remind them of this incident and tell them you don't want to cope with it any more.

1. Sit and write a calm letter, telling her how you feel, how flummoxed you are by her accusations and attitudes and that having hit you, she has crossed a line. Wish her well and then do as above.

You will never get her to see your pov. She won't ever agree you have a point, she will never see the error of her ways. You were right when you said she is your sister. This will give her a unique view on how to hurt you, how to abuse your relationship and get away with it. But she is not your responsibility.

Save yourself.

[Hissy]

Why the hell did you go and see her?

Think carefully about what you want to achieve here.

What you know you want is for your sister NOT to do this to you, for her to change and to treat you like normal people treat you. You have in some way shape or form communicated this with her.

She has been held down and told to leave, she still didn't and YOU left.

Read the following carefully and slowly:

She will NEVER change love. You have the sister that you have. She chooses to treat you like this because she WANTS to.

Nothing you have done, nor will ever do will change this. Only she can change, but she has to want to. She doesn't.

Your only plus point in all this is that she was seen by many, and it's not your word against hers, as is so often the way with people (and I use the term loosely) like her.

The letter won't make a jot of difference. it may be cathartic for you though. if this is the case, then do it, but sending it won't change a thing.

Email her and tell her that you don't accept her apology, and that you won't be accepting it either. Tell her that you won't tolerate this behaviour in your life and while you ought to have called the police on her at the weekend, you didn't because she is your sister.

As of now though however she is NOT, so any contact directly or indirectly will be treated as harassment and you will take legal steps against her.

She brings NOTHING to your life. Please end all association with her. Everyone who knows her will understand your decision.

[Hissy]

The little voice in your head spewing bollocks about her being your sister is FOG.

fear, obligation and guilt.

she is owed NOTHING from you. Cut her out and live happy.

[Letsgoroundagain1]

Some excellent advice here!

[Letsgoroundagain1]

Sorry sent to soon. I went over because I'm soft and stupid. But now I've realised I need to stand my ground. I love the FOG thing, so very very true.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Withdraw from contact completely as of now before you get further hurt emotionally or physically, you will never get any sort of explanation from her. She is an abusive drunkard.

You do not need her, you would not have tolerated any of this from a friend for instance.

Read up too on fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to toxic relatives; you have FOG in spades and that was really the voice in your head.

[Hissy]

No darling you're not soft and stupid, you want her to be the sister you need her to be, you give her chance after chance.

But the game has been changed now. No going back.

[lilivonshtupp]

I have recently gone NC (the past year) with a relative who was toxic.

The relief has been immense.

You have every right to withdraw. Perhaps keep birthday cards or suchlike if you still think there may be a ray of hope that she will change, otherwise I would consider this relationship to be too far gone to be worth salvaging for now.

[welshrarebitontheside]

I've been there with my toxic sister. Character assassinations esp whilst drunk are her MO. Her hatred knows no bounds and I happily went NC with her for the sake of my mental health. I also want to protect my tinies. The relief was palpable. Good luck. You might feel a bit grievy for going NC ; that is normal. But you are an adult and have the right to not be abused. X

[Letsgoroundagain1]

Welshrarebit ..::::: that's spot on it was a complete character assassination!

So, do I tell her we are now NC? Write her a letter saying I've made that decision and good luck blah blah? Or do I just withdraw contact?

[wallypops]

Just withdraw.

[welshrarebitontheside]

Agree to just withdraw also. Don't bother with bold statements. She sounds very unpleasant..surround yourself with people that leave you feeling good and not this distraught. . I've been there (with two siblings - please don't assume based on this i have some sort of personality disorder! Just v toxic family)..My friends (of 20 years) are my siblings and my rock. Life is easier this way although there will be a mental scar, damage is limited.

[welshrarebitontheside]

Ps. My toxic sister used to ALWAYS do the character assassination at a key event for me (think wedding, graduation and such times). She was really getting off on it. Don't know if that also sounds familiar.

[Vijac]

She sounds awful. That said if you still want to be able to see other family without a scene can you just pull back a bit without no contact. Be out of she phones, avoid text conversations, don't go on drumlen nights out together, sit at the other end of the table at dinner etc. and just enjoy everyone else's company.

On another note, is there one particular grievance that she really wants to discuss (but is going the wrong way about)?

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Enough is enough.
Step slowly away, do not make eye contact.
Taper off gradually over weeks/months/years...or go cold turkey; either way, emotional detachment will be an important component of your new boundaries. I agree that having a conversation (if that would be possible) or confrontation would ultimately work against you.
It goes against what we've been taught brainwashed regarding family ties etc, but it really is ok to not care about your sister. She has worn your care out. Used it up. Your duty card has been punched out. She could not really expect that you would be a continuously renewable resource for her ego supply. No, I bet that she has been dumped by friends before...And should not be at all surprised that you are not going to put up with her behavior anymore, either. No guilt for you here. That all belongs to her. (Can you tell I have gone NC with my "lovely" sister? Yep, going on 7.5 years.)

[Letsgoroundagain1]

Well I've slept on all your good advice, woken this morning stronger. I'm more resolute about going NC, this isn't the first, second or third time that she has done massively awful things to me.

Apart from the extremes, anyone she meets with me, she tells them what a "dreadfully spoilt child" I was, I was "ruined" by my parents (I was dreadfully I'll as a child, life/death situation, in hospital for many months, she says my parents then spoilt me) none of my other siblings say this about me. I know that sounds pathetic, but why tell everyone we socialise with. I don't think I was spoilt in fact quite the opposite, but anyway that's by the by.

On another occasion, she disclosed to my husband that we (including another sibling) had been abused as a child, I had not discussed with my DH, for no reason other than I didn't want to, I coped in my own way. She had no right to do that, when I challenged her, she just said "you've got a strong marriage, you'll get over it" no apology, no accepting that she was wrong and it was not her place to tell him, it was mine if I wanted too.

She won't like me going NC, she won't be able to dictate or interfere with my life, or use anything that I say or do against me.

As others have said, I already fell liberated. She goes home in about 10 days so it'll be easier then, but I can cope with the next few days.

I'm really sure she will not try to see me, she is so headstrong, that somehow her verbally and physically attacking me will be my fault. But if I don't see her, then she cannot twist or manipulate any conversation to make me in the wrong somehow.

Thanks for all your advice.

[Wishful80smontage]

Op you are doing the right thing. She's sounds beyond awful- physically attacking you and violating your privacy telling Dh about the abuse- that's so low.
Please keep strong.

[Letsgoroundagain1]

Thank you wishful.

[JimmyChoosChimichanga]

I haven't spoken to my sister for over ten years and it's bliss! Join me in the sun - it's lovely!

[Letsgoroundagain1]

Well she tried to call me yesterday morning, whilst I was at work.......as if I could talk then.

But I ignored the call.......step one done.

[LineRunner]

She sounds quite damaged. She needs to get herself some professional help, maybe. What she did to you was awful and unacceptable.

[Letsgoroundagain1]

One of the people there did say that to her about getting help. She will minimise this and just try and brush it under the carpet.

[Meerka]

hitting you is a good excuse to say No More, if she does get to speak to you. Ok it's the emotional stuff that's the problem, but the hitting is a great peg to hang it on .... it may have been a backhanded blessing.

She's likely to make quite some efforts to get you to slip back into your role. Bullies don't like it when their targets escape.

Plan how to handle it and if it gets that far down the line consider going to the police under the Harassment legislation. disgracetotheYchromasome knows how it works. Hopefully it won't get that far. But record -everything-. That record will help if things do go to extremes.

Stand your ground even if she sends intermediaries to try to get you to be in contact with her again. Being able to say that you don't trust her not to hit you again should really be something everyone understands.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

Thanks for the endorsement Meerka, and what everyone else said.

[Letsgoroundagain1]

So........I've been fine as sister has been away, she is back today and I feel my stress levels rising, been awake since 3.

There is an afternoon function planned for tomorrow, which both of us will be attending, I'm not wanting to pull out as it is a present that I contributed to for another member of the party, she hasn't contributed to it. it was to be followed by an evening at the pub. I've asked that I attend the afternoon, I won't go to the pub, from what others have said she will turn up at the afternoon anyway. She is that unreasonable. So do I pull out altogether if is ascertained that she is going? I don't want to in a way as its like she is in control and I'm being "left out", I certainly won't be going to the pub, don't want to be around her drunk again!

One of the things she was "assassinating" me for, was on a scale of 1-10 maybe a 6/7 serious over a situation that happened 13 years ago with two of my other siblings. It had nothing to do with her, myself and the other siblings have long long put it behind us. Yet she felt she had the right to bring this up, again NOTHING to do with her, and start telling me I was wrong. Now I think she dug this relic up in an effort to say that one or other of the two siblings had told her at the time, I was out of order. Was she trying to put a wedge between me and the others? It's pretty desperate over something short lived and well gotten over 13 years ago.

I will be so glad when she goes home!