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New woman already

(18 Posts)
twomanycats Sat 13-Jun-15 07:28:00

Morning....after a good few days of my separation and selling the house not being my immediate gut wrenching thought as I wake up I'm now back to square one after finding out that my exhusband has been on 'some dates' and was spotted by a friend on a Sunday afternoon at a 'family' location of all places - I could have been there with the kids!
I've posted a couple of times...we have two children, together 15 years, separated for 3.5 months.
I'm utterly angry - I have no right and of course I expected it but not so soon. Is that what they do? Was she around before we split? Probably....
How does someone switch off that quickly and onto to someone else.
They could have gone anywhere as two adults and essentially they've gone to hang out around the corner for all to see. Why shouldn't he? We're not together but it hurts so much - being wired up like a robot without feeling is clearly working for him. I'm back to being consumed by it all again and having a little vent - thanks for listening.

deckthehallswithdesperation Sat 13-Jun-15 07:35:14

From what I hear from my friends, this is exactly what they do.

Cancookdontcook Sat 13-Jun-15 08:50:38

Yes I was still reeling from the shock when he signed up to dating sites. At least he had the decency (yeah right) to tell me where he was taking his latest fancy woman in case he 'bumped into'me. In other words, would I please stay away from such and such a place to avoid the embarrassment of seeing me and the kids.

BreadmakerFan Sat 13-Jun-15 08:53:21

Some men can't cope without a woman to take care of them..

ALaughAMinute Sat 13-Jun-15 08:57:54

Sometimes they're so fucked up that they have to find a new woman straight away. Feel sorry for the bastard and enjoy your freedom.

Shinytortoise24 Sat 13-Jun-15 09:09:22

Maybe he wants to forget you

GoatsDoRoam Sat 13-Jun-15 09:14:37

This is complete anecdata, but I do notice that men jump straight into new relationships (sometimes with ambiguous overlap, when one or more women were being prepped so the man in question had a warm bed to jump into).

I also conclude, like Breadmaker, that some men can't cope without a woman to take care of them. It comes down to the gendered notion of women as caretakers, I think: men who subscribe to that notion need a woman in order to cope, whereas women can act as their own caretakers.

Chocamochalatte Sat 13-Jun-15 09:24:17

Oh mine did the same too, separated this year, decided to tell me on my birthday and wanted DTs to meet her after two months of us being seperated!!! Def on the back burner no matter what he tries to say...

frankbough Sat 13-Jun-15 09:32:59

I think both genders do it, some people meet others very quickly, some go on a promiscuous streak.. My friend split from his 16 yr relationship and moved in with another woman, who obviously had her eye on him as she sought him out whilst he was working and asked him for a date.. They are now living together...
Another friend met a woman at a party, started an affair, left his wife and moved in with her all within the space of 2 months, now he does need a mummy..
Not all men need a mummy, both me and my brother spent time on our own after our respective relationship breakdowns.. I know other men who flat out refuse to have anything to do with any women after the breakdown of their marriages..

GymBum Sat 13-Jun-15 09:41:42

Hi Op. I am so sorry to hear your pain. It's awful when people split and this happens. I will try and answer one part of your post. I will probably be judged and it may be hard for you to read.

How does someone switch off that quickly and onto to someone else.

I don't know the circumstances of your split so I can only give you an insight into mine. I was with someone for 11 years and for some years I did love him and never thought we would split. Over time things changed and I knew for some years although I cared for him, I didn't love him. I stayed because I didn't want to hurt him because I geniunly cared about him. Eventually I couldn't do it anyone more and ended the relationship. It was painful and I felt awful. There was no one else involved, I didn't have an affair and I never wanted to hurt him. However I did start dating about 3/4 months after our split. I had no intention of entering into a relationship I just enjoyed been single and dating. I stayed single (just going on dates) for a longtime before meeting DH.

I didn't move on quickly, I had emotionally/mentally and physically moved on at least two years before we actually split up. So starting dating so soon after the actual split seemed normal for me.

I do have to say for at least a year or so I never went anywhere on dates that I may have bumped into him. On a couple of occasions I bumped into people we knew and I was guilt ridden because I knew it was likely he would be told I was out on a date. I thinks it's unthoughtful and really hurtful for him to go somewhere that you may well have bumped I to him. Extremely inconsiderate and selfish.

This may not be what you want to hear but I just thought I would give you a different prospective. I never wanted to hurt my ex but I hadn't been happy for a long time and I wanted to enjoy been single and free.

GymBum Sat 13-Jun-15 09:42:48

Can I add. I didn't sleep with lots of people. I the main I just dated and probably unintentionally led a few people on because I knew I never wanted anything serious.

Melonfool Sat 13-Jun-15 09:42:54

I don't think three and a half months is that quick and it doesn't indicate an overlap. If the marriage hadn't been happy for a while then in fact it seems very reasonable he would like to meet someone new.

Littletabbyocelot Sat 13-Jun-15 09:48:26

My dad started dating very quickly after his wife (my step mum) died. He had genuinely no interest in anyone else while she was alive but was online dating within six weeks and in an exclusive new relationship in three months. He just couldnt be alone.

FredaMayor Sat 13-Jun-15 12:13:29

Men (and for all I know some women) can be quite solution-focused, particularly where they believe a new relationship will help them get over the previous one. It is rather insensitive of your ex to be out and about in places where he is known or where you might take your DCs quite so soon after your split.

twomanycats Sat 13-Jun-15 16:21:14

Thanks all for the posts - I really needed to let it all out this morning before I started the day. It is an option that he has been unhappy for a long time and moved on months/years before in his head but his leaving came out of the blue so for me it's all quick - he has said in reference to selling the house that it didn't feel quick for him so dating will be the same - he's ready and it's another thing for me to get my head around...bad luck me, happy him! It's all logical, perfectly fair and 'allowed' but it hurts to the very core and I could really do without it. I hope somewhere down the line that it will all get better - right now it's an open wound that won't close for me and bloody holiday for him. Bloody life!
Thanks all and hope you're having a great weekend xx

Blinging1973 Sat 13-Jun-15 16:24:00

My father started dating 2 weeks after my mother died. He's lost all his children over it but he doesn't care. He only cares about his own happiness and getting his end away with a woman. Some people are just assholes.

onionlove Sat 13-Jun-15 16:45:47

My ex is moving in with someone new 1 year after we split, he's known her six months (he says) its his fault we separated as he was unfaithful, he begged me for us to stay together but that was his last chance, anyhow I think some men just cant be on their own, but I do know some who believe its better to be single and find the right person and not rush things x

twomanycats Sat 13-Jun-15 17:38:25

i guess he's just met someone that he likes - life goes on etc and I don't have the luxury of not sharing a life with him in some way because of the children...I do wish I had a 'switch' for turning off the past and the emotion and the connection like he has. Happy pm people - I'm out for a drink or 5!
Thanks for listening ��

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