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Does anyone have a shoulder going spare today....

(20 Posts)
amiamuppet Wed 10-Jun-15 12:06:51

I don't have anyone to discuss this with.

Things have been a bit rocky in my marriage of 20 years for a little while now. But things have come to a head more recently since H got a very good promotion at work. He travels quite a bit and likes being away, although he doesn't admit it. When he gets back he lives the life as a single man, coming and going as he pleases, no notification if he is going to be late etc etc. He has a bunch of new friends with this position, most of them single and they go out for drinks after work often. If he does message and say he is going for A drink after work, then I know he wont turn up till after 11pm that night.

And we aren't walking distance from where he works either, so of course its the drinking and driving as well. Its is probably my biggest thing, every time if he says he going for a drink, i ask him to please not drink and drive. Of course, it goes in one ear out the other.

Lately, if i send him a message (we use bbm so I can see if he has read the msg), he doesn't even bother to read them, as its only me on bbm that messages him. Let alone answer.....

So last night he rolls in after 2am. It turns out that he and two other colleagues got stopped for drinking and driving. I think that he bribed them, as he wasn't arrested and made it home with the car. This morning our front door was standing wide open, my neighbour phoned me at 6.30am to tell me so.

I have had enough! Have two children 12 and 16. The eldest one is going through some major issues right now, and i really don't want to change anything in our home situation right now - it is going to affect him terribly and I just cannot do it right now.

So i said to H this morning, that after x date (appointment ds has) in a few weeks, he needs to have found someone else to go, as I just cannot live with such a selfish person anymore. I cannot sleep until he is home, I have a lot of other stress going on at the moment too - i have a business which is going under and I am dealing with this alone - he doesn't seem to care about that at all, and I am just left to deal with it and retrench the staff. We started the business together, but finance issues meant that he had to get a job elsewhere to have a set income - hence the job he does now.

This morning before i said I want him out, he came along with the I am so sorry story, the one I have heard so many times before. He said then that he got a shock last night with the police incident and now he realizes that he has to change things. I was so pissed off as I said that is what I have been telling him for years, but that fell on deaf ears didn't it. He then even went on to say that he now realizes he has a problem.... so i was expecting him to say he has a drinking problem, or a problem by the fact that he is soon to be divorced and shut me and the dc out of his life, but no, his problems is that he just cant 'switch off and leave" if they are all out for the night.... Pathetic!

So now I have had 3 messages from him telling me he loves me. That he realises that his behaviour is despicable. That he is going to change really this time. I have replied to none of them.

Why don't i believe this. I feel so broken and worn down. I try to be strong for everyone else, everyone always comments on how strong i am (i have been through a lot with both my dc's health recently). I am not strong anymore. I don't even feel like I have the strength to carry on today.

Thanks for reading if you got this far....

bladibla Wed 10-Jun-15 12:18:10

midlife crises.
You sound very lonely in all of this...and broken today.
I wish I could tell you it will be better tomorrow, all fixed. But whatever it is there will be at least a few tough days.
Maybe he learnt his lesson and the big reality check has opened his eyes.
However if he is enjoying himself, why would he stop altogether?
Hopefully he understands what his behaviour is doing to you. If not make sure he does and knows that you are considering leaving him.
I hope you have support. Counselling?
Whether there is a breakup or not I can say: It does get better. It did sound so patronising when I did hear this at the time. But it is true.
Big hug

scallopsrgreat Wed 10-Jun-15 12:20:08

You don't believe it because his actions are what matters and so far nothing he has done has indicated he is anything other than the selfish man you describe.

He wants his cake and to eat it.

He is in complete denial about his behaviour or the impact on you - as shown by what he thinks his 'problem' is.

If he truly committed to change then he can do that living somewhere else tbh. I think it is necessary that you have boundaries and he knows when he has crossed them. And the only way to impress that on him is to show him the door.

I think you are doing the right thing not replying to him and sticking to your guns about the deadline flowers.

pugglefan Wed 10-Jun-15 12:20:53

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He sounds incredibly selfish and self centred. No wonder you cant believe he is really going to change, he's let you down so many times before. And "can't switch off if they're all out" is a pathetic excuse, very immature.
I have no advice I'm afraid, but just wanted to reply.

tinymeteor Wed 10-Jun-15 12:24:23

You do sound very strong, if very tired. Go easy on yourself today, you are coping with a heap of stuff at the same time. If it's a day for switching off the phone for some sanity, do it. His remorse is not your problem right now - if you need space, take it.thanks

twistletonsmythe Wed 10-Jun-15 12:25:18

I don't believe him either - is just lip service designed to keep you in your box.

I am shocked he could bribe someone to not arrest him for drink driving though - what's that all about? Is this in the UK?

magoria Wed 10-Jun-15 12:27:49

He didn't care enough to change when he was hurting and upsetting you.

It is only now that there is some impact on you he cares.

It seems a case of too little too late.

I would crack on with separation, ask him to move out to give you space and if you want work on repairing the relationship.

See if he can do it before moving back in.

AnyFucker Wed 10-Jun-15 12:31:50

What magoria said

it looks like he will have to lose everything before there is any chance of change

that's if you still have the heart for it....I would not

magoria Wed 10-Jun-15 12:45:00

Sorry meant to say some impact on him

amiamuppet Wed 10-Jun-15 15:01:57

Thanks everyone. He is away tonight and back tomorrow. I am pleased actually as I just cant be doing with him today. Gives me tonight to clear my head a bit too.

rumbleinthrjungle Wed 10-Jun-15 15:15:02

I am sorry you're dealing with all this mess. Good that you've got some space, make good use of it and take care of yourself tonight.

CheersMedea Wed 10-Jun-15 15:15:46

but no, his problems is that he just cant 'switch off and leave" if they are all out for the night.... Pathetic!

This sounds like it might be binge drinking alcoholism. ie. just can't stop at one once you start. It is a type of alcoholism. Maybe worth exploring this with him? whether I'm right and/or whether he would be willing to explore treatment?

In short term, what about him living apart from you for a while? Or adopting a system where if he wants to go out drinking, he will stay in a hotel rather than coming home and disrupting your life/leaving door open/drink driving?

Sorry you are going through this.

whitsernam Wed 10-Jun-15 15:42:04

CheersMedea says what I wanted to say: sounds like a form of alcoholism, if he can't switch off and leave if they are all out for the night. ie: if he has one, he can't just stop there.

Also - I've seen that people who work away a lot have to learn how to handle the change when they are back with family. Family need to know when someone will be home, and to have them there and actually take responsibility; whereas when traveling they can just do as they please and even be waited upon. Lots of people have difficulty with this. I have no idea what the solution is, but he does need to grow up and take responsibility!!

Good luck, OP. This does not sound easy at all!! I've dealt with the binge drinking thing, and it takes a lot to change even if they want to. I understand how diminished you feel when they don't listen to you or stop the drinking because you ask them to. It is devastating.

wingsflyby Thu 11-Jun-15 13:24:01

He sounds very self-centred to be honest. The drinking thing must be hardest - is he not willing at all to address it? That would be a dealbreaker for me I think.

SandysMam Sat 13-Jun-15 08:23:01

In this day and age, I would say the police don't bribed for things like this. I would say that is highly unlikely and there might be another reason for him staying out til 2.30 and then feeling guilty...is this a possibilty?

SandysMam Sat 13-Jun-15 08:23:21

Meant don't GET bribed...

wallaby73 Sat 13-Jun-15 08:40:37

Seconded re bribing....highly HIGHLY unlikely.....everything is logged, processed, they have to account for every action, time...something in his "story" is not quite right, sorry. But is it even relevant at this point? I think you're doing the right thing x

LineRunner Sat 13-Jun-15 11:40:42

I agree the drink drive story doesn't ring true at all.

mix56 Sat 13-Jun-15 12:21:20

Don't back down immediately, if there is to be a lesson learned & if he is even able & indeed committed to learning it, then he needs to leave & see what is actions have led him to.
He is admitting he has a problem with alcohol, basically can't walk out of the pub, can't stop at one pint... or 2, or how many?
He needs to start with that problem, to be able to sort out any others.

WashingUpFairy Sat 13-Jun-15 13:11:46

I agree with the others. Coppers LOVE nicking drink drivers.

I hope you're OK.

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