Confidence knocked - did I do the wrong things by my DP?

[yourstrulyjudy]

I have posted before about my relationship, and I have NC because I just want opinions on the facts given, so I can have fresh input (please be understanding about this!). I am doing better, but I keep questioning my behavior with my ex and wondering if it was me that caused the problems - I guess that's natural but I do tend to blame myself/look at my actions generally, and so this is no different. I think it would just help to understand my faults, I suppose.

We lived together for over a year on the doorstep to his work, and when I got a new job I asked if he would move more to the middle, so our commutes were equal (mine still longer, actually). He was reluctant, despite telling me he wanted to marry me and couldn't imagine life without me. He changed his mind lots, and we got to the point where we were about to sign for a tenancy in the middle of our places of work, and on the morning we were to do it, he changed his mind...again. I was devastated and was angry/upset. His reaction was to disappear to his parents' for 3 days, and to not see me at the weekend because he wanted 'space', all the while telling me he loved me and he wasn't re considering us, but the pressure had just got to him. I was left feeling VERY insecure, confused, hurt, etc etc and very lonely. If I had hurt him I wouldn't have been thinking about me..I would have been doing everything to make him feel loved and to show I was sorry for messing him about.

Anyway, we moved past that, (looking back I'm not sure how, as he refused to live in the middle and we lived apart), and he started being utterly shit at communication. Not in a nasty way, but from one week to the next I never knew when I was seeing him etc. He also started talking to his mum about things, and at one point, another woman, rather than me, which I found unsettling (big things, like where he wanted to live).

BUT, he did some lovely things for me. Buying dinner, always drove to see me, would say he loved me, cook for me, buy me treats etc. And when it all came to a head he said he felt pressured by me. This has made me question myself and who I am... was I wrong to expect my DP to move to the middle when my job changed? Was it unfair of me to be excited about still living together? Was I too intense?

I feel like I acted normally, but him saying he felt pressured has made me query whether the break up was all my fault. It's knocked my confidence in myself in relationships. I don't want to mess up again.

[FannyFifer]

He sounds like a selfish twat.

[bladibla]

It sounds like moving half way was too much for him. There is nothing you could have done to change this. However maybe, there would have been signs or warnings unless he was being deceitful.

It sounds like you wish you were still together or that things can carry on. It is clear that he does not want to commit and I guess this is hard for you to accept.

Being open about your feelings and having open talks rather than playing guessing games might help you not to fall back in this situation. Use your intuition. Counselling might also help to raise your self-esteem. If you feel worthy you are less likely to settle for someone who is not really into you and ready to commit.

You are worth more than just a few lovely treats, some people would put their life on the line for love. Why not for you?

[ineedabodytransplant]

I agre with FannyFifer, he seems to want it all his own way. Why should he move if he has to put himself out, use more energy and travel further? All he has to do is mention the word 'pressure' and you'll back down. He is mucking you about while throwing titbits your way to keep you sweet.

he's a twat

[QuiteLikely5]

No you weren't wrong at all but I think you were wrong for each other.

The things you discuss usually happen naturally within a relationship and the excitement is mutual.

I just don't think he was as much into a future with you as you were him.

[yourstrulyjudy]

Thanks both.

bladibla I know you are right. I started to feel confused because other relationships around me seemed to just do these things because it was normal for them - you move for your partner when you apparently want to marry them/are serious about them - to me, and to most others, that is normal. I found it very confusing for him to say he couldnt be without me etc etc, and then to keep changing his mind. And we were talking about a 40 minute commute here, not a huge, life changing one.

One of the reasons he cited for not wanting to move was because he would have to swap gyms...and he enjoyed going to the gym with his friends.

I was very open with him, and really supportive. I'm not sure I do wish we were still together - when I look back I feel angry at the way he made me think he was very dedicated, only to let me down regularly. At one point he even encouraged me to speak to my work to ask if I could move offices so we could more easily live together... then a few weeks later announced that he didn't want me to do that. It was a horrible time.

[bladibla]

Him preferring the gym over you says it all!
It seems he has messed you about big time!

[yourstrulyjudy]

When I mentioned that, he said I was being ridiculous and of course he didn't prefer the gym over me. He'd then make me feel loved again...I would trust him...and he would let me down again. I feel guilty for having wanted a normal relationship with him. Apparently his mother was against the move to the middle as well. It was just so much effort and drama, over what seemed to me to be an obvious and natural thing to do with someone you loved so much.

[MatildaTheCat]

I remember you posting about this before, possibly more than once? Can I say in the kindest way, you have to just accept this and try to move on. You have been over and over and over the whys and wherefores. It is sad, very sad. He had a worrying amount of pressure/ influence from his mother which was quite possibly a lucky escape from you.

None of us can know whether your actions made the slightest difference to the outcome. What I will say is that it's good you did what you did and had the opportunity to find out that he wasn't a stayer when you did.

Have you had any professional counselling to help you make sense of your feelings? You will be ok but dwelling obsessively on the details isn't the way forwards.

[bladibla]

I guess the key is that you loved him so much...and things were not on this level for him

[Toffeelatteplease]

Does it matter whose "fault" it was? Does it matter who was reasonable or not?

You can present the information in such a way that presents your ex as unreasonable. But I do wonder at anyone who accepts a job at a distance and then EXPECTS a partner to move, whether that is forty minutes away or two hours. It could be that was the only place you could get work, or it could be that you wanted to move and force the issue. It could be either reasonable or unreasonable.

Either way it doesn't matter. It wasn't compatible behaviour. Neither of you could get your needs and wants met whilst being in a relationship with the other.

[yourstrulyjudy]

Thanks matilda I am actually ok. I'm just not the sort of person to not want to step back and look at my own actions - I care about my behaviour and would hate to go through life not realising that perhaps I made a big mistake.

I'm starting to see, (and have the confidence to realise), that I just did my best by someone who clearly couldn't function in a realtionship... IF he was serious about me and genuinely loved me, then it's hugely sad on his part that he didn't know how to do right by us as a couple, and IF he didn;'t love me or was at all serious about me, then he clearly had issues by the way he was so adamant to make out that he wanted a life with me, when he actually didn't. What a headcase. I know I acted transparently and openly. I just need the confidence to not let his pathetic excuses of 'feeling pressured' make me think otherwise.

[yourstrulyjudy]

toffee This job was very specific, and something that I had to take and my DP was 110% encouraging as it made a HUGE difference to out outlook in terms of buying a home etc. It was in that sense very life changing. I actually told him I wouldn't take the job if he was uncomfortable with having to move (and I meant it!!) - he made out that he was very very willing to still be a couple and not break out lives apart.

I've genuinely presented the information as it was - not to make him out to be unreasonable - indeed, that was the point of the post, to ascertain if I did mess up.

[bladibla]

I agree Toffeelatteplease . Many times in the past I have tried to change something about my partner or requested that they do something. It hasn't worked. Acceptance that this is the partner and these are the circumstances is perhaps healthier that believing we can change them. My late DP has not replied to my requests. I just have to back off and accept that we can live happily enough as it is.

[Toffeelatteplease]

But that's the whole point. You may have messed it up you may not. but right now you are essentially looking for the validation that you were right and your DP was wrong.

It doesn't matter. You were not compatible. Take from it that

[yourstrulyjudy]

I want to understand what I could have done better, and why he acted like he did towards me. If I have done something wrong, I don't want to repeat it.

[Bogeyface]

But the issue isnt so much that she wanted to move and he didnt is it? Its that he flip flopped around between saying "yes lets move" and "no I dont want to" right up to the point of them signing a tenancy agreement. That says to me that he was never going to reliable and either couldnt or wouldnt be as committed to their future as he said he was.

Seems to me that unless he got everything his way, he played silly buggers and there is nothing the OP could have done about that. I also suspect it would have got worse as time went on.

[yourstrulyjudy]

bogeyface If my DP had come out with it and stuck by his thought that he absolutely would not be willing to move, then I would have questioned the relationship, anyway. I would have found that very odd for someone who claimed to love me so much and wanted to build a life with me. And I think my DP knew this - he knew it would upset me and that's perhaps why he lied about it...hence where the comment of 'pressure' came from.

The subsequent lying, messing me about etc made me feel like he had absolutely no respect for me, and was a completely selfish person. I gave him every chance to walk away and he just strung me along. I see friends whose partners moved MILES AND MILES to be with their OH...I discussed the job loads with my DP and even offered not to take it, and he still behaved like he did. I feel bruised, I guess, and like I wasn't worth it, yet other women seem to be with men who very much believe they were worth it.

[Toffeelatteplease]

Most people who really don't want to do something, but fear it will be the end of a relationship, will flip flop and be flaky.

The fact is that you need someone who would move miles and miles to be with their other half regardless. In the end he needed to stay close to his family and friend networks.

Neither of those expectations are to my mind unreasonable. They are however totally incompatible and whole situation very very sad.

Most people forget the whole lyric of the Meatloaf song " I will do anything for love but I won't do that". Everyone has there limits and boundaries. Your just need someone with compatible limits and boundaries.

[yourstrulyjudy]

Thanks toffee, I understand what you are saying. To my mind, though, someone who can't face moving 20 minutes further from his work doesn't really have it in him to be in a long term relationship, no matter what the other person is like. Life happens, and I was willing to compromise, he wasn't, and lied along the way. A confusing mess.

[CarbeDiem]

It doesn't sound like you were responsible for messing anything up - he sounds quite selfish.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

He didn't love you more than he loved his easy commute and gym buddies. Sad but not your fault.
My DB and his DP left their hometown together because she started a degree 60 miles away. They moved to a town neither of them knew because it was about halfway. He did this without question because he loves her. It didn't even occur to him to suggest she had a longer commute than him since it was her who 'left' the town. That's normal for a relationship that is going somewhere. Your xp is a coward for not being straight wi you but ultimately your relationship just wasn't strong enough.

[yourstrulyjudy]

Thanks for your reply Ehric. I think the way he acted compared to what he said was the biggest mind mess of all. And that's why I've found it so hard and tried to see if I did something wrong.

I agree that when you love someone and you know how to have a healthy relationship, you do these basic things without question. It wasn't all that much to expect in light of the way he spoke about us, and having seen my friends' and their partners make these compromises without it even coming up as a topic of conversation (it's juts a natural thing), it caused me to resent my DP a lot, and led me to believe he was very selfish.

His mum was against us living together, and she has such a strange view of relationships (as does his dad to an extent, too)... it seemed he had unconsciously adopted that mindset.

[Momagain1]

You did act normally, including struggling to cope with his behaviour as if were reasonable, just different. I am glad you finally accepted that even if he is a lovely man, je is not the lovely man for you. Nor were you right for him.

[CheersMedea]

was I wrong to expect my DP to move to the middle when my job changed?

Wrong to "expect" definitely but totally not wrong to ask/explore the possibility.

Generally, though there's no right or wrong about this kind of stuff. It just depends how much it matters to you and how much you are willing to compromise for another person.

Before I got married, I deliberately bought a property that was an easy quick commute for me. It was a central reason for my choice of location because I spent long hours at work and often had to get black cabs home late at night - which for longer journeys becomes astronomically expensive.

There is NO WAY I would have moved to a further commute for a partner. No way. It was a big thing for me to be able to get home quickly. I wouldn't have cared who it was or how much I loved them - I'll see you at the weekend if that's easier.

It's just what suits you and what's important. In your situation, I'd also be taking into account stuff like what matters to him in his lifestyle (the gym thing), how stable your respective job markets are (if you are likely to move again soon, what are you going to do? make him move every year or so?) and how strongly you felt about it.


Was I too intense?

Impossible to say. "Intense" is more about attitude really than actual behaviour. Maybe you were and he felt pressured to move (but then it sounds like he was being pressured to move).

Generally what I'd say in terms of relationship compromise on anything, if someone doesn't want to do something, it's a bad idea to make them. They should come willingly to the middle or not all all.

People vary about what matters to them so a person being selfish on one issue doesn't follow they will be on all issues.

[CheersMedea]

To my mind, though, someone who can't face moving 20 minutes further from his work doesn't really have it in him to be in a long term relationship, no matter what the other person is like

I really don't agree with this at all. You're missing the point which is that relationships are about compromise generally.

You are in effect saying "move 20 minutes further from work or I'm out the door". That's no different from saying "I'm not moving 20 mins from the place I like". Do you not see that?

There are lots of other solutions to this problem - including living apart for a bit.

In reaching any compromise, you need to take into account how important the issue is to the other person as well.

It maybe the outcome is that both feel so strongly about it that there is no middle ground and the relationship is over.

But it doesn't follow that not meeting in the middle on every single issue means a person who doesn't have what it takes to be in an LTR.