Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Friends/family judgement re marriage breakdown

(35 Posts)
weedinthepool Wed 10-Jun-15 08:53:56

Hello, sorry I'm always coming on here nowadays to get advice, hope I'm not annoying people confused

I've been dwelling on this situation a couple of days and just wanted some objective opinions. Facts: Left my physically sexually, emotionally and financially abusive stbxh 9 months ago. Police started an investigation into a family member who sexually abused me and other girls when we were children 6 months ago. I'm getting therapy from Rape Crisis and have a new job and am studying for a PhD as well as being a newly single mum to 3dcs. Oh and I moved house.

So the last 9 months have been exponentially harder than is normal for me.

I am getting judged from friends, family, school mums and work colleagues on how I'm handling the whole thing. The things they are judging and commenting on are: when the dc's are with their dad I like to take trips abroad, only 2/3 days but this is ridiculous apparently. I've been going to gigs/festivals regularly (again when dc's are at their dads) and I look like I'm partying too much and then recently I was told off by a friend, who has just split with her H, because her crazy H has been 'stalking my FB account and has seen all the partying and MEN' (paraphasing her text) and us giving her shit and won't let her go in a trip with me. I have had 1 ONS and am seeing a younger guy very casually but that is it and the only things I post on FB are about food!

All the school mums have stopped inviting me to their gathering's, I don't know if it's because they don't want to associate with me now I'm a lone parent (I was the middle class mum with the 4 bed house and husband before so fit in with them?!) or what.

My family are going on about how much I go out, which is only when the dc's are at their dads (2 nights out if 7).

I'm so pissed off and stressed. I'm keeping going, I go to work, I keep the house tidy, I look after the dc's OK, I study when needed, I'm keeping my finances in order. So why am I feeling like I'm doing/handling stuff badly? What are all these judgements about? I'm trying to deal with crap stuff, yes I like to get a bit drunk at hhe weekends but that's not a crime is it? Aaargh sorry I'm venting and this is too long!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Wed 10-Jun-15 09:00:20

JUdgements are likely because:
You are not falling apart.
You are carrying on and having a Life, and quite a nice one by the sound of it. This shows you have enough money to do this, something that some people don't have when they're in your position, so they judge.
The lack of invitations to the married couple houses is normal under any circs - you are a newly single woman, you are therefore A Threat to their marriages. This shows how insecure they are in their husbands; but to be fair to them, it does happen that some husbands do feel that a newly single woman would be "up for it" as they're not getting any at home now and try it on.
Your family might be jealous again of your having enough money to go out so much, and even of your "freedom" when your DC are with their Dad.

But basically it's because you're ok. You're doing ok and they all think you shouldn't be, you should be A Mess. How very dare you upset their expectations!

mummytime Wed 10-Jun-15 09:08:47

A lot of it sounds like jealousy.

"recently I was told off by a friend, who has just split with her H, because her crazy H has been 'stalking my FB account and has seen all the partying and MEN' (paraphasing her text) and us giving her shit and won't let her go in a trip with me"
This sounds mad, and she has real issues - how can her H dictate what she can do if she's split with him? Actually even if they were still together I don't know what right he would have to tell her what to do. eg. I'm going to a party in a couple of weeks and leaving DH with the DC, I didn't ask him, just got it put in the diary and told him. If there had been an issue we'd have discussed how to solve it (the party is all female).

HellKitty Wed 10-Jun-15 09:09:19

I was a single mum in a new town and all was well for a few weeks. Then I was invisible. I was told by the only mum left talking to me (!) that her husband was worried I'd fill her head with all the exciting things I was doing as a single mother. Yeah, like washing and feeding DCs on minimum wage...! A male friend told me that some mothers might think I would now be after their DHs. As if.

You've had a shit load to deal with, other people's insecurities are showing problems in their own lives, you are not the cause, catalyst or excuse. Enjoy your well deserved 'me' time and stuff them.

molyholy Wed 10-Jun-15 09:10:30

One word. Jealousy. You sound like you have had a whole lot of shit to put up with and now you are getting on with your (what sounds like a fantastic) life, and are fending for yourself, rather than congratulate you, it's easier for others to think you have 'gone off the rails', rather than enjoying yourself after all these years. Bloody good for you OP - carry on what you're doing, with a big fat 2 fingers to anyone who thinks you should be wallowing in self pity in a darkened room. Girl power at its' finest!!!

hellsbellsmelons Wed 10-Jun-15 09:15:29

I went through a similar phase when I split with my DH.
There were a few rumours but they soon died out when I put the record straight.
I just enjoyed it all and ignored all the crap.
I'm nearly 6 years down the line now and life is good.
Enjoy this phase and don't be put off by others.
Unfortunately, couples pick sides.
Most of the couples we used to hang around with, go on holiday with etc.. were ExH family so that part of my life finished. It was horrible but you do get over it.
You find new friends.
Just let what you can go over your head and try to ignore the negative shit.
This is YOUR life, you live it how you want to.
Be proud you got away from your abusive Ex and celebrate that and fuck the rest of them.

IrenetheQuaint Wed 10-Jun-15 09:15:50

They sound very judgemental, and yes, jealous. Plus perhaps surprised and disconcerted that you have apparently changed so much, people get used to someone being a particular way and are discomfited if that changes.

So long as you're not doing the school run stinking of fags and booze with massive lovebites on your neck you're probably just fine.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 10-Jun-15 09:17:20

People tend to want you to fall apart.

The school gate crowd are scared you're going to 'steal' their husbands.

Been there done that and to be honest I cut off family as they caused me more grief than ex as I expected it from him.
And I don't engage with the schoolgate crowd, don't like them because of how they behaved towards me.

I'd ignore, also step away from fb, I've spent far too long being unhappy to give a shit about what other people think. Give it a go 'tis v liberating.

weedinthepool Wed 10-Jun-15 09:20:39

Thank you all!! I just needed to check I wasn't completely misreading the situation.

The general message I'm getting from people is 'You suck at life' but actually I'm keeping going, I'm putting one foot in front of the other and I'm getting up everyday.

I'm lucky that I put a shit load of mental graft in my early twenties so my career supports me financially and motivation wise LOADS and my hobby also helps finance wise.

I just can't understand why friends want to tear me down when I'm getting back to being me. I was a shell of me a year ago, beaten, cowed, a mess then. Not now.

I like to think I'd be championing a woman who's broken free, not dragging her down.

weedinthepool Wed 10-Jun-15 09:24:01

hells fuzzy thanks, so it's all part of the process? I wasn't anticipating this at all!

Irene no love bites, fags or booze at the school gate grin I gave patsy from ab fab in my head now!

Chasingsquirrels Wed 10-Jun-15 09:29:18

Oh you are doing fantastically well aren't you!
Reading your post made me want to cheer for you - you must be SO SO proud of yourself.
(I was no where near being in the place you are 9 months after my exH left, and there was no form of any type of abuse at all).

I agree with all the other posters - it's jealousy.

Do you have any friends who aren't making these judgements on you? If so nurture those friendships.

I have two really close friends (from when DC's were small) who couldn't have been more fantastic when my exH left, and since. But there were some school mums who definitely did engage less with me. It hurts, but it's their problem not mine.

Keep living your life to the full - it's the only one you get!

Athenaviolet Wed 10-Jun-15 09:32:57

Yes I've had that experience of smug marrieds looking down their noses at single mums.

F* them.

Two words: crab bucket.

And envy , of course, but that's part & parcel.

weedinthepool Wed 10-Jun-15 11:26:34

premptive What on earth is crab bucket?

I hate being judged. It makes me so jittery. Nobody can judge me harsher than I judge myself but I was just starting to get a tiny glimpse if self esteem. I NOT a threat to their marriage, I don't even like or trust any men never mind slimy attached ones!

Oh well I'm sure it will all settle down. Fingers crossed. Sat at work still trying to work it out hmm

weedinthepool Wed 10-Jun-15 11:27:24

Typos due to pathetic all phone, sorry.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Wed 10-Jun-15 11:30:42

Tall Poppy Syndrome might be a part of it too - sometimes people jus don't like to see people bettering themselves, so they try to cut you off at the knees to keep you "down" with everyone else.

mojo17 Wed 10-Jun-15 11:48:48

Urgh yes I've had the married women not letting me even talk to their dh and then the married men of friends of mine actually trying it on!
Do you live in a fairly small town? As I do, small town mentality, you soon find out who is really in your corner, but it is a revelation
I even had one married man back away from me as I approached him once at a children's sporting lesson to check which one of us would be doing the lift the next week as he didn't even want to be seen engaging with me at all, needless to say no more shared lifts for our children happened after that which made no sense as we lived in the same street. What a waste of time and petrol etc

You will get through it, time will teshow people how honourable you are, it just shows everyone else's insecurities

pocketsaviour Wed 10-Jun-15 11:54:56

Yes I was thinking crab bucket.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab_mentality

I just can't understand why friends want to tear me down when I'm getting back to being me. I was a shell of me a year ago, beaten, cowed, a mess then. Not now.

Are these friends (leave aside your family for now) people who you've known before you were in an abusive relationship, or people you've met since? Because if it's since - or if you were in that relationship getting beat down for a long time - they are used to you being a certain way, i.e. a victim. When your main relationship is dysfunctional, you will often find that you have a lot of tangential dysfunctional friendships as well, and most of these should probably be dropped.

Colleagues and school gate mums I would put down to jealousy and crab bucket, TBH.

With regards your family, was your decision to report the abuse frowned upon and discouraged (perhaps covertly)? Because I would imagine those who disapprove of your decision are latching on to your new life as a way to put you down without saying "Hey weed, WTF are you doing exposing the family name in this way, don't you know it's your responsibility to keep the secret of abuse and carry this burden and fuck you for being a victim, it's all your fault anyway" angry

pocketsaviour Wed 10-Jun-15 11:55:44

Errrrm, sorry, bit of projection from my own issues going on there confused

weedinthepool Wed 10-Jun-15 12:54:11

Yes, yes and yes pocket unfortunately. My family were complicit in the abuse (not participants but turned a blind eye) and are now having to answer uncomfortable questions from the police, maybe that's where the disapproval lies?

I live in a village, attached to a small town and yes the friends who have only known me inside the marriage at the ones judging. My 3 best friends who knew me before, and who H basically campaigned to remove from my life, have all been amazing. None of them have dc's so its these amazing women who I've been travelling and festivalling with. Perhaps I just need to listen to them and fuck the rest?

mrsdavidbowie Wed 10-Jun-15 13:02:30

Oh yes, god forbid a divorced woman should have fun. shock
I divorced recently and as expected the dinner party/BBQ invites from couples dried up. Fair enough.

Interestingly the most unsupportive reaction is from my brother ( who cheated on his first wife),
He still emails RX h as " he' s a nice unlike and I've no issue with him"
Even when I've told him about the EA and the fact that ex h thought he was a knob

I have met someone ( early days) and am awaiting the patronising comments
.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Wed 10-Jun-15 13:39:47

"Perhaps I just need to listen to them and fuck the rest?"

YES! This. grin

twistletonsmythe Wed 10-Jun-15 13:40:26

They do sound v jealous.

And a husband of a so called friend going through your FB? He sounds unhinged. Please block him, and anyone else negative in your life.

And get out there and have as much fun as humanly possible - good for you. Wish I could join you!

catswag Wed 10-Jun-15 13:56:35

why would people want the op to fall apart??

avrilinca Wed 10-Jun-15 14:14:07

Absolutely fuck 'em. Your life sounds brilliant (and quite like mine smile ) - I'm not invited to the schoolmum clique events either, which is neither here nor there, really, because I always have better things to do.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now